I typed a long letter to my former mate.  It was helpful to express what needed expressing, without necessarily intending to give it to him (doesn't seem productive).  I noticed how much I need to work on my communication to remove blame and criticism.  And how I have put myself last with him and putting up with bad behavior, a form of dishonesty that just left me deeper and deeper in the dirt.  I got to the point where I got pushed too far and just gave up, I let my boundaries down and now I have put up a wall.  It is interesting to see how this is going to go.  Problem is I know when not in committed relationship he tends to be promiscuous, I'm on the route of celibacy, so I just don't want to go back there with him.  I'm glad I can come here and express myself without contacting him.  It is still hard and I'm doing it one day at a time.