I get to celebrate Dad's birthday and try not to get overwhelmed by the thought of a family get together and see how blessed I am to have family who does love me who I can connect with (we're not perfect!).  I went through the list of amends I owe and was pleased it is not as lengthy as I'd imagined.  I made some progress with this today by writing one letter and have hopes of asking a mutual friend to get us back in touch.  My sponsor says I will feel better after it.  It's funny how that gnawing feeling that I did something wrong like the case here and when I go to elaborate just how my thoughts lacked what specifically I did until I get the words down, it is a therapeutic process.  I didn't even bother to tell my sponsor it looks like my on/off boyfriend are off again, this time without a profession of such, like once before, just avoidance after a disagreement.  It's so YUCK.  I am getting stronger by not crawling back or taking the blame for his part (yes I have defects that contributed I need to surrender to God).  It felt good to reach out to people via email and phone today.  I am blessed I have this job that affords me some free time as well as a chance to be useful and fill in for someone as a temporary, I am truly blessed.  I worked my other job last night and I am grateful I am able to do that, though it was a long day,  I am glad I still slept a relatively full night of sleep (6 hours, not bad).  I'm grateful I didn't take the usual commuter temp job this time of year and deal with hours in traffic and early rising time, it still is a loss that I'm not there as I did enjoy it.  God put me here at this job and that is good.  As for my beau I love him I just don't think he is always healthy for me and he is really not in a good way at all and I can't change him, it is quite frustrating though I am learning to accept it.  He needs help I cannot give him.  He's been suicidal.  I have done all I can to help him and I'm not giving up trying to help him, it's just that his despondency brought me back this last time and his close friends are also having a desperate time and I just know that when I'm dealing with an abusive angry man who is in denial how can I possibly save him without losing myself?  There is guilt there and yet there is strength for letting him find his way.  God.  I'm so mad at how he treats me and blames me for it and how I've taken the blame so many times.  I'm tired of it.  I told my sponsor I will go to a meeting I haven't been attending tomorrow, I need that accountability of making commitments so I'll do stuff.  Yes I do.  I'm glad for this helpful forum it's really been a Godsend.