I come here and try to get some perspective and motivation to move past whatever it is I try to avoid.  It surely brings up a lot of stuff being here, multiple issues.  Easy to avoid one in favor of another.  Of pressing, gnawing importance is my list of amends waiting to be done.  I can write about why I do or don't want to do it, and still not do it.  I can make a plan or continue to avoid it, to no avail.  What does comfort me is to pray for the willingness to be willing, pray for God to remove my procastination, and continue to do my prayer and spiritual readings and take opportunities to be of service.  And take that first step and look at that list, and pick the next one i feel able to make.  I have some ready to go and I'm not willing.  God!  I need help.  I suppose I need to surrender it to God.  I have to look at how far I've come instead of how far I want to go.  A girl from our meeting died, drunk, a newcomer.  I am sad I neglected reaching out to her more.  God!  Please help me to be grateful.  This forum is amazing, for me to be of service and offer support to others, and to ask and receive support.  I am really grateful I can do this.  Since I've gotten back in this relationship it is not all peaches and cream.  I suppose I am dreading another play of our breakup or an argument.  God!  I surrender to you, I can only do my part.  It feels exhausting to put somone first in my life that has presented me with such an unstable situation to be in, to participate in.  God!  I am so tired of it, of feeling stuck and of being scared.  It is time to write a God letter.  I surely am in need of some help.  I feel like a lamb being lead to slaughter, that is how rediculous I feel investing in this thing that has torn me so far apart, and he has no concept of any part he has played in my pain.  God, please help me.  It is not his fault, I am a volunteer, and he is only human, he is not God.  You are and I seek to make you my higher power, not him, my life is worth more than to put it in the hands of someone who though he meanes well doesn't really have a lot to offer right now in the way of health.  Not that I'm any better.  I don't want to live life ignorant to my awarenesses, it is exhausting.  I am just not doing well with this gnawing feeling that this relationship I am in though not all bad has the potential to be very harmful for me emotionally.  We are just not at that level where emotionally I feel safe with this person, I am so comfortable overlooking these things.  I guess I have pressure mounting of all these commitments I have I put myself through... currently I'm a temporary covering for a secretary when the agency said its a receptionist (I haven't been a secretary before and I'm scared I won't cut it and will lose face to admit it, so far so good).  I am scared to have Dad be in business with me with me making payments for his car he's selling me, and his insisting I not repair it (and it needs repairs, surely this is faulty reasoning and it is up to me to set somethings straight).  Surely it is not wise for me to invest in a boyfriend who has broken up with me 3 times in 2 months due to my feelings being hurt and his just complete inability to acknowlege it.  Its just sick and shows how little I value my inner life.  I am living in a messy cluttered stuffed room that has me depressed and overwhelmed.  I have put off step 9 for months.  I avoid reaching out to friends.  I need some fun in myu life and still I'm not sure what that is other than the ways I like to entertain myself.  I do have a friend I can call and meet up with, I will make that commitment now, I will call her tomorrow and touch bases.  I am not alone and there is hope for us.  At least I'm not where I used to be.  I am getting a little better every day, sometimes more than others, some days I backslide.  Overall I am getting better I'm clean and sober, I left an abusive career, I have let go of hurtful people, I am remaining accountable, I am moving forward and sustaining some semblance of health even if it is far from ideal, I am growing if I choose.