I am here for help of myself primarily because I can really be of no help to anyone else unless I can admit what help I am in need of.  My issues for being here included primarily a breakup (we've been off and on and are currently back on), recovery from alcoholism and addiction, recovery from abusive relationships, interest in abstinance and celibacy, and overcoming shyness.  I was at a job that allowed me to be online and use this resource, then I was off the last week, now I am at another temp job that allows me to use this resource.  So I need to use it.  First, I thought the relationship was over, and I chose to return to it, and it has been so good, and it terrifies me because of how bad it had gotten, and actually he is quite worse off than I have ever seen him if I am honest, and this is something I can overlook because it is not always so obvious.  Oh!  What is so hard about this, is the sponsor I had said she couldn't help me with my relationship problems, it certainly is ok, so I've gone to some support groups for that which are effective.  However, I do need to keep up with my sponsor about what is going on with me, and I am just afraid to tell her I am back with him, because she had started to advise me to the contrary, and the last time this happened I stalled to tell her, and there had been no contrary advise like now.  It makes it so hard, I guess I have that need for approval, or I don't want to burden her, and I'm afraid of people judging me.  I must remember what has happened in my support groups, and call on that strength I've gotten, and not try to expcect anyone who doesn't understand to understand (I don't think she understands). I know she means well.  I hope to find someone else I can talk to about stuff with him, it is not what she signed up for.  I feel so bad. 

 I realized when I saw the abstinance and celibacy group I qualified.  It was my chosen circumstance before this relationship.  Now that I've chosen to return, I don't qualify for that group.  It is still a part of my past, and maybe my future.  I do decide that outside of this relationship it is a good path to be on.  At this point I would rather be in the relationship.

 I was able to attend a meeting at my home group since I felt comfortable being at the same meeting with my  boyfriend.  I will hope to take my sponsor's advice on this and continue to attend meetings where I can have some privacy from him.  It is so hard for me to be in this relationship knowing what a people pleaser I am and how I tend to just be oblivious to the callings of my own heart to enjoy the company of another.  It is a form of escape from responsiblity to myself.  I feel like I have in the past when I get back into a dysfunctional relationship that I would not  be eager to share about it with my loved ones, that I have complained so much in my pain that it seems betrayal to go against that which I so firmly wanted to be apart from.  Now I am surrendering to the love between us and any healing that can occur from our ability to learn from this breakup experience.  Oh God.

 In the meantime I am making payments on a car that is much cuter than I've ever known.  I've gotten a completely new hairstyle (my boyfriend was quite happy with these changes).  My boyfriend is going through a lot of changes that are exciting, including a new career.  He said he wants to move, and maybe we could get a place together!  This has my head spinning, it's like "wow".  I turned down a seasonal temporary position I was due to start next week. I'd gone back and forth with " I will/won't be there" this is embarassing.  It is God putting me where I need to be.  So I chose to say yes to a much more local position that would probably be a better fit to what I would choose to do in the future.  It is in an area where I've thought I would like to work.  It is temporary and allows me to go online as I am.  It is also supposed to be in the interim during the time off of the last temporary postion I was doing last week, and I think I like this one alot better!  I may tell the agency I'd like to stay here as long as possible.  We'll see!  I passed a background check which feels good.  I have my own key, which is a gift to have such responsibility.  I also was supposed to be a receptionist, it turns out I'm filling in for a secretary.  I am anticipating I may not have the experience to perform something that may be asked of me, and it is up to me to be willing to try and ask for the help I need.

 I feel better for journaling, being accountable, staying in touch with what is important to me which is the ability to have some access to my inner life and let other people in to help me with it.