I don't even know where to start. There are constantly 100 different thoughts in my head and I don't know where to start. I know that I want to get out of this relationship. Ten years with an alcoholic. Emotional abuse, manipulation, empty promises...I'm tired. But then my mind starts to wonder if I am wrong. What if leaving is the opposite of what I should do? What if I need to be more supportive and helpful. I told him (multiple times) that if he wants to save the relationship then he has to make the effort, seek out the counseling, whatever it takes to make him better. I feel like me doing it for him is a waste of time, that he needs to try to help himself. But is that wrong? Should I make all the calls and set everything up for him and then see if he follows through? I have tried to get him to go to meetings, but he refuses. Says he doesnt want to talk to other people about his problems. I tried to set up counseling at one point, but he said that it was too expensive. Now he is at the point that he comes home from work (or sometimes doesn't) gets a shower, tells me he will be back (or sometimes doesn't) and walks out the door. I usually dont see him again until 10 or 11 at night. Last night (Thursday) he was out until 11, came home stumbling and slurring his words and then yelled at me because I asked him if he was going to eat with us but then I put the food up before he got home. I asked him at 7 if he was going to eat with us, my daughter cleans the kitchen before she goes to bed so yeah, I had her put the food up. Now he is laying in bed saying he's sick and can't go to work. Wonder what caused that sudden onset mystery illness?
There are several things that make me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. First, his mom walked out when he was a kid. He and his younger sister were raised by a workaholic dad who did what was needed to support them, but was distant emotionally. He is the opposite. He is intensely emotional in every sense. He has a severe anger problem, passed to him and his sisters from his mother; and it has caused him many problems. He has actually gained some control over it, but once he gets set off it's pretty scary. It has caused incredible strain on his relationship with his dad, who isn't speaking to him at the moment due to his last out burst. He says its been like that all his life, everyone turning their back on him. Which makes me feel guilty because I am thinking of doing the same thing. He used to be incredibly emotionally abusive, calling me names, yelling at the top of his lungs because "it was the only way he could get me to listen", but he has gotten better about that as he has gotten older. He's 35 now, 25 when we got together. So I know that he loves me, he has to if he made that much effort to work on his anger, right? The other issue is that I have two daughters. One is biologically his, the older is not. He loves both so much, and has always treated my daughter just like she is his. He calls her his daughter, never his step daughter, and he has been there cheering her on and wiping her tears, as a dad should. I know that he loves all of us. And when he is sober he is great. He is an amazing friend, the one who actually shows up to help you move, or whatever else he may be needed for. I love hanging out with him, he is funny and we have a lot in common. But then there is the flip side, and he doesn't have to be drunk for it to come out. Sometimes he is just in a mood and nothing is right. Then there is the fact that my daughters are watching us and learning about how relationships work. I know this first hand, as I grew up in an alcohol/addict house myself. My partner is so much like my dad it is scary, down to the explosive temper. Both amazing friends, not so much as husband/partners. I grew up watching the exact life that I am living, and creating for my daughters now. I want better for them, I dont want them to end up in a relationship like this, I want them to be happy and healthy but that is not what they see. I try really hard not to fight in front of them but when he gets angry and yells he doesnt care who hears, and gets even angrier when I try to tell him what he doesnt need to say in front of/to the kids.
I'm not perfect by any means. I was (am?) an addict too. Mine was pain pills, and eventually Methadone, and I was addicted for a long time, as was he. Getting off of Methadone was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but my kids, and what is best for them, was more important to me. He also got off of Methadone, but I guess he replaced it with alcohol. I have never experienced detoxing from alcohol, but I can't imagine that it could be worse than Methadone. He worked just as hard as I did to get off of it... If he could do one, why not the other? Why can't his family be enough? But then I feel that these thoughts are unfair, who am I to say what is harder for him? ...which leads me back to my indecision.
I have asked him to leave before and he refuses. He says this is his home too, and he is right because we both worked to make the payments. However it is in my name alone, and financially it would be easier for him to get a one bedroom or studio apartment somewhere if he were to leave. My kids are 16 and 8 so I would need a 3 bedroom since they are really too far apart to share a room. His (step)mom suggested that I get a restraining order and have him evicted. He has told me things in the past like "if you leave me, you better do it while I'm at work or something because it won't be pretty" or "If we break up and you get with someone else, every time I see him on the street I'm gonna beat his ass, I dont care where we are." He also admitted to stalking an ex girlfriend. He doesn't hit me, but I am scared to leave because I know that he is going to freak out and I don't know what he would do. I dont think he would hit me, but I really don't know. He did once before, but I hit him first. He was trying to pull a fuse or something out of my car so I couldnt leave and I smacked him across his back because he wouldnt stop and I couldn't move him. I was just as wrong. He did stop then, to stand up and smack me back, across my face. I took the opportunity to quickly leave, but my kids were in the car and that day is one of my biggest regrets; I hate that they saw that. They were much younger, the little one definitely dont remember it, hopefully the older one wont either. He has never apologized for that, just says that he barely even hit me. But neither of us have gotten physical since. Well not with each other. He punches walls, tore half of our porch off once cause he caught me smoking a cigarette, and otherwise abuses inanimate objects. Honestly I would rather just pack my kids up and leave myself, give me and my girls a fresh start, but financially I just dont see it happening. Not without me staying until I can build up much more of a savings. So my choices are stay and keep my mouth shut until I can save enough to get started on my own, I will also have to take a second job to afford the bills each month, or have him evicted and we stay in our home. The thought of putting him out with no place to go makes me feel awful. I dont know if he can find his own place and pay his own bills. I do all of that. He goes to work and comes home, thats it. Well, besides going to hang out with his friends everyday. He doesnt have to think about anything beyond that. He doesnt do housework, he doesnt do any of the kid stuff unless I specifically ask him, he doesnt have to think about bills, but he blames his alcoholism on stress. And on me for nagging so much, and his parents for not being available etc..
I dont know...This all sounds so 'woe is me', but that is not my intention. I have been exploring my options and trying to figure out which direction to go, Im just having a really hard time with the decision. I have made an appointment to start talking to a counselor, because I obviously dont have a handle on things myself. I go to my first appt on Wed so we'll see how it goes.
There are several things that make me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. First, his mom walked out when he was a kid. He and his younger sister were raised by a workaholic dad who did what was needed to support them, but was distant emotionally. He is the opposite. He is intensely emotional in every sense. He has a severe anger problem, passed to him and his sisters from his mother; and it has caused him many problems. He has actually gained some control over it, but once he gets set off it's pretty scary. It has caused incredible strain on his relationship with his dad, who isn't speaking to him at the moment due to his last out burst. He says its been like that all his life, everyone turning their back on him. Which makes me feel guilty because I am thinking of doing the same thing. He used to be incredibly emotionally abusive, calling me names, yelling at the top of his lungs because "it was the only way he could get me to listen", but he has gotten better about that as he has gotten older. He's 35 now, 25 when we got together. So I know that he loves me, he has to if he made that much effort to work on his anger, right? The other issue is that I have two daughters. One is biologically his, the older is not. He loves both so much, and has always treated my daughter just like she is his. He calls her his daughter, never his step daughter, and he has been there cheering her on and wiping her tears, as a dad should. I know that he loves all of us. And when he is sober he is great. He is an amazing friend, the one who actually shows up to help you move, or whatever else he may be needed for. I love hanging out with him, he is funny and we have a lot in common. But then there is the flip side, and he doesn't have to be drunk for it to come out. Sometimes he is just in a mood and nothing is right. Then there is the fact that my daughters are watching us and learning about how relationships work. I know this first hand, as I grew up in an alcohol/addict house myself. My partner is so much like my dad it is scary, down to the explosive temper. Both amazing friends, not so much as husband/partners. I grew up watching the exact life that I am living, and creating for my daughters now. I want better for them, I dont want them to end up in a relationship like this, I want them to be happy and healthy but that is not what they see. I try really hard not to fight in front of them but when he gets angry and yells he doesnt care who hears, and gets even angrier when I try to tell him what he doesnt need to say in front of/to the kids.
I'm not perfect by any means. I was (am?) an addict too. Mine was pain pills, and eventually Methadone, and I was addicted for a long time, as was he. Getting off of Methadone was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but my kids, and what is best for them, was more important to me. He also got off of Methadone, but I guess he replaced it with alcohol. I have never experienced detoxing from alcohol, but I can't imagine that it could be worse than Methadone. He worked just as hard as I did to get off of it... If he could do one, why not the other? Why can't his family be enough? But then I feel that these thoughts are unfair, who am I to say what is harder for him? ...which leads me back to my indecision.
I have asked him to leave before and he refuses. He says this is his home too, and he is right because we both worked to make the payments. However it is in my name alone, and financially it would be easier for him to get a one bedroom or studio apartment somewhere if he were to leave. My kids are 16 and 8 so I would need a 3 bedroom since they are really too far apart to share a room. His (step)mom suggested that I get a restraining order and have him evicted. He has told me things in the past like "if you leave me, you better do it while I'm at work or something because it won't be pretty" or "If we break up and you get with someone else, every time I see him on the street I'm gonna beat his ass, I dont care where we are." He also admitted to stalking an ex girlfriend. He doesn't hit me, but I am scared to leave because I know that he is going to freak out and I don't know what he would do. I dont think he would hit me, but I really don't know. He did once before, but I hit him first. He was trying to pull a fuse or something out of my car so I couldnt leave and I smacked him across his back because he wouldnt stop and I couldn't move him. I was just as wrong. He did stop then, to stand up and smack me back, across my face. I took the opportunity to quickly leave, but my kids were in the car and that day is one of my biggest regrets; I hate that they saw that. They were much younger, the little one definitely dont remember it, hopefully the older one wont either. He has never apologized for that, just says that he barely even hit me. But neither of us have gotten physical since. Well not with each other. He punches walls, tore half of our porch off once cause he caught me smoking a cigarette, and otherwise abuses inanimate objects. Honestly I would rather just pack my kids up and leave myself, give me and my girls a fresh start, but financially I just dont see it happening. Not without me staying until I can build up much more of a savings. So my choices are stay and keep my mouth shut until I can save enough to get started on my own, I will also have to take a second job to afford the bills each month, or have him evicted and we stay in our home. The thought of putting him out with no place to go makes me feel awful. I dont know if he can find his own place and pay his own bills. I do all of that. He goes to work and comes home, thats it. Well, besides going to hang out with his friends everyday. He doesnt have to think about anything beyond that. He doesnt do housework, he doesnt do any of the kid stuff unless I specifically ask him, he doesnt have to think about bills, but he blames his alcoholism on stress. And on me for nagging so much, and his parents for not being available etc..
I dont know...This all sounds so 'woe is me', but that is not my intention. I have been exploring my options and trying to figure out which direction to go, Im just having a really hard time with the decision. I have made an appointment to start talking to a counselor, because I obviously dont have a handle on things myself. I go to my first appt on Wed so we'll see how it goes.
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