Numb...
Today marks one week since my loss...I can't believe a week has gone by so fast. It weird...today wasn't a bad day. I took my mom to the airport and stopped by a friend's house to keep my mind off of things...and actually laughed and had a good time. It wasn't until I got home did I start to feel bad again. I was mad at myself for not being down. I guess I have it in my head that I am supposed to be sad and crying all the time. I'm not sure how I am supposed to deal with this????
Moments go by and all I can do is think of my children and then I have moments when I can actually hold a conversation with someone and not cry. I just don't know. While I am elated for others who are having babies and are pregnant...I am utterly pissed off because I wonder why the hell did mine have to end. What did I do wrong? I know it is not my fault and I shouldn't blame myself...I can't help but feel some sort of self pity or sadness. I want my kids back!!! I want to wake up from this nightmare and it is just that...a nightmare!!!! I want to wake up tomorrow and it would be two weeks ago when all was right in the world....I am back picking out cribs with my husband....not funeral urns for their ashes.
I want the pain to go away. I want to touch my belly and not suddenly combust into a river of tears. I want to be able to walk into their room and not break down!!! Is that too much to ask????
Why me????? I am not saying that I am better than anyone who has lost...far from that. I just want to know why do I have to go through this after all we went through to get pregnant.....why???
Moments go by and all I can do is think of my children and then I have moments when I can actually hold a conversation with someone and not cry. I just don't know. While I am elated for others who are having babies and are pregnant...I am utterly pissed off because I wonder why the hell did mine have to end. What did I do wrong? I know it is not my fault and I shouldn't blame myself...I can't help but feel some sort of self pity or sadness. I want my kids back!!! I want to wake up from this nightmare and it is just that...a nightmare!!!! I want to wake up tomorrow and it would be two weeks ago when all was right in the world....I am back picking out cribs with my husband....not funeral urns for their ashes.
I want the pain to go away. I want to touch my belly and not suddenly combust into a river of tears. I want to be able to walk into their room and not break down!!! Is that too much to ask????
Why me????? I am not saying that I am better than anyone who has lost...far from that. I just want to know why do I have to go through this after all we went through to get pregnant.....why???
Replies
I am so so sorry for your loss hun I can\'t even begin to imagine the pain you are in... your right it isn\'t fair no one should have to deal with that heart ache... you are in my thoughts and prayers
I have often asked myself the question \"why\" as well. I am surrounded by many women with 4, 5, 6, 7...even 8 or 9 living children.
I find that it causes me so much pain to ask these questions---to try to make sense of something that cannot be made sense of. As if everything should work out fairly. Yet I still fall prey to engaging in this sort of thinking from time to time. It\'s human to think this way.
Just wanted to tell you that I understand your outrage and your questions. I have many of those same feelings and questions of my own.
And I am so sorry that you are going through something so life changing. So excruciatingly painful. It takes so long for the reality to sink in. Because your reality has been 2 babies on the way. And suddenly that is changed and you\'re asked (by life) to accept something so contrary and so devastating.
There is nothing fair about it. And there is nothing easy about it.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I can\'t imagine how you are feeling right now, and I wish you could wake up from this nightmare. I\'m thinking of you often friend.
My heart aches for you. There\'s no wrong way to grieve. You are entitled to all of your feelings. I\'m praying for you. Xoxo
I know your heart is broken and it seems so very unfair. I\'m very sorry. I just don\'t get the Why part of it. Like why did you have to go through all that happiness only to have this happen? One of life\'s greatest questions...
Thanks ladies!!! Your kind words mean a lot to me.
I have asked myself the same questions a million times. Loosing babies is something noone should have to endure. The further you get into pregnancy the harder it is. I highly suggest grief counseling...it has helped me and my husband tremendously. Also, let me know if you want the contact information for Dr. Davis or Dr. Haney. They are the 2 top TAC doctors in the world and I know talking to them really helped us get a plan and move forward. We had our 2nd late term loss in September (I had a failed transvaginal cerclage). I spoke to Dr. Davis about 2 weeks later and had my surgery in November.
There is no reason to explain such a loss and no one way to grieve. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
I have no words to say how sad I am that this happens to anyone, and right now that this happened to you. You are a strong woman but this is too much for anyone to bear especially alone, lean on anyone and everyone you can, you will be forever changed by this but you will recover. In New Zealand we say Kia Kaha friend, this means stay strong in Maori.
Oh no.I don\'t know how I missed this.I just went back and read your last journal to.I\'m so so very sorry for your incredible loss. You are right, it doesn\'t make sense and its not fair. Beautiful names you picked for your precious babies. Big hugs