My story
I thought we were happily married. I was the happiest girl in the world. He was sweet, attentive and overall kind. At the end of January, the nightmare began. I got an email from a woman saying that he has been having an affair with her for the past 3 years. That night was hell. He came home, we fought, cried, fell asleep at 7 am. What he confessed was that he met a girl BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, it was just a platonic friendship. He said nothing ever happened. I asked him how come he never told her he was married if it was just a friendship, and he said he doesnt know why...he even confessed he has only seen her twice after we got married and that on those days he took off the wedding ring...
Sounds crazy right?...
Soooo I forgave him, splitting up didnt cross my mind, i believed him and I knew he made a mistake.
Sadly I couldnt leave things alone, I cried myself to sleep just thinking about what they did together. It was hard for him, but in all honesty I only had a bout 1 month to deal with this sadness.
Sure enough he was tired of making me feel better and said that if i dont forgive him, to let him know so that he could leave. He didnt want to be with me if i was not willing to forgive him. I understood his point...but I was pressured to say..yes i forgive you. There was one night where i was crying, having some wine and he came into the room and laughed and said i was ridioulous. The anger took over me and i got up and slapped him. I know i shouldnt have but I felt like my feeling to him were a joke.
I became very insecure, I admit it...but he didnt care. He would go out till 5 or 6 in the morning and tell me that he doesnt need to tell me where he is. That he is tired of having to report to me. I was so hurt.
One night we got into a huge fight and he became so aggressive, verbally and started threatening me. He would follow me everywhere i went. I went to the kitchen and I grabbed a knife and told him "Leave me the **** alone" he walked away.
The next day he woke up and told me that i was an abuser, that he no longer knew if he wanted to be with me. he told me that from that point on, he would no longer focus on my feelings. He wanted to focus on himself. He was tired of worrying about my feelings.
This is where the nightmare began. He told me he needed his space. He didnt want any of us to moveout but just wanted space for himself. I wasnt sure what this meant. But i agreed. I would come home evryday, tell him i loved him, and he would tell me he didnt want to talk, he just wanted to be alone. He didnt even want me to ask him about his day.
I did this for 3 months. I was just another piece of furniture. I would come home and just hide in the room. The times that i did talk, i would cry and tell him that i loved him and that i was so sorry for what i had done. That i wanted to show him that i loved him. He said he didnt care, that i could show him i loved him by leaving him alone. Since april we did nothing together, no dinner, no movie, he just began to completely ignore me.
He began to tell me that he doesnt think he could forgive me, therefor he doesnt want to be with me. I begged and begged and told him I could change.
Around that time the girl emailed me again and told me that if i was still with him, and that if i was, I was a pitiful woman. You can imagine how much this hurt. I cried and told him and he told me that he was sorry but he didint care to make me feel better anymore. I sucked up my feelings forgot about my feelings and focused on him.
He began to treat me like garbage. Telling me i was a sad individual, how can i not see when someone doesnt want to be with me. He began to call me pitiful.
I know i was acting pitiful. He clearly told me he didnt want to be with me..but deep down i felt like he still cared, like he still loved me. I thought that with love and patience I would be able to fix things, but i was wrong.
Things began to get worse. His words get worse and worse.
Calling me a pitiful b****A low lifeSad Person
He would constantly threaten to leave me. And i would do anything to keep him.
We even got to a point that he would tell me..."Ok, if you shut your mouth and go in the room, i wont leave.
I wasnt even allowed to cry in the room. If he would hear me cry he would tell me to shut up.
The day he left i kissed him and told him i loved him and that i hope to see him later. I had a feeling he would leave but i told him to wait so we could talk and just end things civilly. he swore he wouldnt.
I was at work and got a text that said "sorry"...and this is where the nightmare began.
I have lost all dignity of who I am with this man.
Yes, I was wrong for putting my hands on him and threatening him with a knife. But i just felt enraged and betrayed. Even after he got caught, there was no increase in love or attention. I will have you all know that him and I are no longer together. He actually left He had packed all his things and left while I was at work. Can you imagine how I felt? So betrayed. That same morning I had begged him not to leave, that we will talk thing through and he agreed. I come home to find an empty closet, 1/2 empty filing cabinet. That is all he took. I found a letter, in that letter he said that this was the only way things could of been done. That he hopes I don't contact him. Not once in that letter did it say I love you, thank you for all the memories...nothing. I called him right away...crying and asking him to come...just to have a conversation. SO far, he has refused to see me or talk to me. He said he has no interest in fixing things. He said that he has realized he has been married to selfish person because I had not given him the space he needed. I went no contact for 1 week, and I gave in..told him that i loved him and that we can work through anything. Once again I was shut down. He wont talk to me, idk what kind of person can stop loving another person from one day to another. He would yell he hated me, he hated us. He has destroyed every dream I had. Having kids, having a home, spending my life with him., You know, I always read that people who get married young usually leads to divorce...but i though we were the exception. I am just hurting. I dont want to start all over again.
Sounds crazy right?...
Soooo I forgave him, splitting up didnt cross my mind, i believed him and I knew he made a mistake.
Sadly I couldnt leave things alone, I cried myself to sleep just thinking about what they did together. It was hard for him, but in all honesty I only had a bout 1 month to deal with this sadness.
Sure enough he was tired of making me feel better and said that if i dont forgive him, to let him know so that he could leave. He didnt want to be with me if i was not willing to forgive him. I understood his point...but I was pressured to say..yes i forgive you. There was one night where i was crying, having some wine and he came into the room and laughed and said i was ridioulous. The anger took over me and i got up and slapped him. I know i shouldnt have but I felt like my feeling to him were a joke.
I became very insecure, I admit it...but he didnt care. He would go out till 5 or 6 in the morning and tell me that he doesnt need to tell me where he is. That he is tired of having to report to me. I was so hurt.
One night we got into a huge fight and he became so aggressive, verbally and started threatening me. He would follow me everywhere i went. I went to the kitchen and I grabbed a knife and told him "Leave me the **** alone" he walked away.
The next day he woke up and told me that i was an abuser, that he no longer knew if he wanted to be with me. he told me that from that point on, he would no longer focus on my feelings. He wanted to focus on himself. He was tired of worrying about my feelings.
This is where the nightmare began. He told me he needed his space. He didnt want any of us to moveout but just wanted space for himself. I wasnt sure what this meant. But i agreed. I would come home evryday, tell him i loved him, and he would tell me he didnt want to talk, he just wanted to be alone. He didnt even want me to ask him about his day.
I did this for 3 months. I was just another piece of furniture. I would come home and just hide in the room. The times that i did talk, i would cry and tell him that i loved him and that i was so sorry for what i had done. That i wanted to show him that i loved him. He said he didnt care, that i could show him i loved him by leaving him alone. Since april we did nothing together, no dinner, no movie, he just began to completely ignore me.
He began to tell me that he doesnt think he could forgive me, therefor he doesnt want to be with me. I begged and begged and told him I could change.
Around that time the girl emailed me again and told me that if i was still with him, and that if i was, I was a pitiful woman. You can imagine how much this hurt. I cried and told him and he told me that he was sorry but he didint care to make me feel better anymore. I sucked up my feelings forgot about my feelings and focused on him.
He began to treat me like garbage. Telling me i was a sad individual, how can i not see when someone doesnt want to be with me. He began to call me pitiful.
I know i was acting pitiful. He clearly told me he didnt want to be with me..but deep down i felt like he still cared, like he still loved me. I thought that with love and patience I would be able to fix things, but i was wrong.
Things began to get worse. His words get worse and worse.
Calling me a pitiful b****A low lifeSad Person
He would constantly threaten to leave me. And i would do anything to keep him.
We even got to a point that he would tell me..."Ok, if you shut your mouth and go in the room, i wont leave.
I wasnt even allowed to cry in the room. If he would hear me cry he would tell me to shut up.
The day he left i kissed him and told him i loved him and that i hope to see him later. I had a feeling he would leave but i told him to wait so we could talk and just end things civilly. he swore he wouldnt.
I was at work and got a text that said "sorry"...and this is where the nightmare began.
I have lost all dignity of who I am with this man.
Yes, I was wrong for putting my hands on him and threatening him with a knife. But i just felt enraged and betrayed. Even after he got caught, there was no increase in love or attention. I will have you all know that him and I are no longer together. He actually left He had packed all his things and left while I was at work. Can you imagine how I felt? So betrayed. That same morning I had begged him not to leave, that we will talk thing through and he agreed. I come home to find an empty closet, 1/2 empty filing cabinet. That is all he took. I found a letter, in that letter he said that this was the only way things could of been done. That he hopes I don't contact him. Not once in that letter did it say I love you, thank you for all the memories...nothing. I called him right away...crying and asking him to come...just to have a conversation. SO far, he has refused to see me or talk to me. He said he has no interest in fixing things. He said that he has realized he has been married to selfish person because I had not given him the space he needed. I went no contact for 1 week, and I gave in..told him that i loved him and that we can work through anything. Once again I was shut down. He wont talk to me, idk what kind of person can stop loving another person from one day to another. He would yell he hated me, he hated us. He has destroyed every dream I had. Having kids, having a home, spending my life with him., You know, I always read that people who get married young usually leads to divorce...but i though we were the exception. I am just hurting. I dont want to start all over again.
Replies
Tell em both to fuck off and leave you the fuck alone....they are making you sick....don\'t let them do that to you anymore. You can do it :-).
INCREDIBLE, he has been having an affair for 3 years, yet he still managed to twist things totally around to make it sound like your fault. I would say HE is the abuser.
I know you feel horrible, but one day, I hope soon, you will wake up and realize he did you a HUGE favor by leaving. You definitely deserve someone who will treat you better than that jerk!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
WOW....I see so many similarities between our situations, the only difference is I have a daughter.Your EX used the exact same tactics as mine which is to put ALL the blame on you, shifting it off himself and have you feeling that you owe him an apology. Sounds ALL too familiar. I\'m so sorry :-(
This is sooo sad for you and I\'m soooo sorry you have had this happen. I do know that even though you made mistakes your husband acted the way he did, because you caught him in his lies and he felt guilty. He had to make you the bad guy so he could continue his \"other life\". THIS IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM IS YOUR FAULT and you couldn\'t have done anything to change this!! I promise you, this isn\'t because of you.
I hope that you come to realize you are worthy of love and companionshipe and you still will have dreams come true for you. They may be different in time and once you get thru this you will be soooo glad. I\'m sending prayers your way!! SO SORRY this is happening/happened to you. You don\'t deserve this!!!
I have been in the same situation except im not married and it was a 13yr relationship. I have found out about other women and i ended things and then returned when he would make me think i was over reacting and it wasnt what i thought or was told ..im still dealing with this now and i trying to stay away. The only difference is your husband actually did you a favor by leaving because you dont need him and out of sight out of mind..Unfortunately mine wants to stay around and this is far worse and more difficult. Consider it a blessing that he is gone and you can pick up and enjoy the rest of your life in peace without worrying who is going to email you next or show up at your door...Keep your head up and i totally understand your grief.
Thank you Agarg, you are right, the constant wondering of where he is, what he is doing was honestly just bringing me down. I hope that down the road I become thankful for this. In this moment it\'s just pain.
I hope that you find the answer in the situation you are living in. Just remember we all DESERVE to be treated with respect.
Along with the others here my story is similar, I\'m sorry you\'re going through this. I feel like I am catching all the blame in my relationship as well, I am willing to accept some of it because I didn\'t trust afterwards and that led to problems.Seven years after the incident there are still trust issues and now it seems to be the end.
I am going through a very similar situation. My husband left while I was at work but he didn\'t say he wad going to leave or anything like that. We had a very good week and I work on weekends. So after a good week, I headed to work \"bright eyed and bushy tailed\" we kissed, hugged, and said we loved each other. He left while I was at work without telling me anything and hasn\'t talked to me at all. It has been 3 weeks. But be has decided he \"needs to clear his name\" and he had messaged everyone possible and told them complete lies to make himself look better. He messaged people I work with, people I work for, my friends and family. Its getting very frustrating! He left me! He should either come back and work on our marriage or he should just do the divorce and leave me alone. Of course I would rather him come back and work out our marriage. Prayers for you and all the ones who commented. Anyone who is going through this kind of pain needs many many prayers. The pain is unimaginable and unbearable.
It\'s called \"Gas-lighting\" and \"Blame-shifting.\" He can\'t take responsibility for his transgressions, so he manipulated you into thinking that you\'re at fault for everything. It\'s tough for you to appreciate it now, but he really did you a favor.
Oh, my friend, it is CLASSIC for the betrayer to make the betrayed feel like a crazy person.
Mine did it, to, but a bit differently. My anger was white hot at times. Violence and that\'s aren\'t
Sorry.
Violence and threats are not an answer, but they don\'t define you. You\'re not a bad person. I did much worse (i grabbed him by the neck and it left red marks) and I have forgiven myself. It was a wake up for me. It was wrong, but I learned from it.
Be good to yourself. It\'s obvious that your husband is an abuser. Emotional abusE is so damaging. Find a therapist. It\'ll hurt fir a While, but you\'ll recover
Let It be a wake up for you.