I dont excactly know why but I have a real hard time believing in God. I know there is something out there more powerful than us but I'm not sure what it is. I was brought up catholic, and my parents made us go to church and do all the things(cofession,confirmation,etc.) but they never went with us. The older kids brought the younger kids,so that put a damper on my beliefs.Then with the priest molestings and all. I was sexually abused by my dad and to this day will not forgive or forget, so I feel for the victims of the church. And just the fact of children getting sick and dieing and thinking what God would do that to young children.Also I'm not to sure I believe all the stuff in the bible has really happened,why not have these things happen now so we can see them too. But on the other hand I belive Bruce is in heaven. I become very confused. Anyway my point to this journal is I feel like I'm missing out on something. My life can be very depressing with Bruce gone and not liking my job and knowing that I have to work there because I'm the only one left to pay the bills. My friends and family that believe say they will pray for me that things get easier. And I listen to people here saying God helps them get through this . I feel like I want to turn to God and really dont know how to do it. I have felt for 46 yrs that he was someone that people just made up to make them selves feel better but now I'm not sure. I wonder if I turn to God will he show me how to be happy again and how to cope better with my everyday life. My sister believes very strongly and says she survived her cancer because of her faith. I used to think that was hogwash. Then why didnt everyone survive . But with so many feeling better with God maybe there is something to this. Can someone give me advice on what I should do. I want to pray but am afraid God will think I'm a hipocrite, I'm not sure how to except him in my life and not be angry that he allows kids to be sick and nature to cause such death and devastation. Please help me try to figure this out. What kind of church would I go to if I dont want to go back Catholic. I dont want to offend anyone but I cant get passed the molestings as I have been there myself. Thanks to all of you here for being such good friends.