here we go again

Friday 5-9-08 was 1year for Bruce. I've been trying for now 1 year and 2days to get over him being gone. I feel like crap right now,but for the last few days I was ok. I cant stand these up and down emotions. I apologize but I thought that reading the emotional ups and downs on this site was contributing to my dispair. I've come to realize its just the way it is. I cant stand it. I am so afraid that 5-10 years from now this is how its going to be. I wont make it.All weekend everyone was here and couldnt believe how great I was doing, I couldnt believe how great I was doing. Now everyone is gone and I feel horrible. I need to know this sadness isnt going to last forever.I want this ride to stop and I am so sick of saying that. When is it going to end.   I'm glad you all were so understanding when I decided to take a break. I was trying anything I could think of to start on with my life. I hate that its still on my mind all the time. I dont want to only be Bruces widow I want to be Lori again. I long for that more than I long for his arms around me. I'm always realistic and try not to long for him to be with me,long for his arms around me. Why would I want to put myself through that,long for something I know can never happen again. Thats what gets me so worried about longing for a normal happy life because I'm so afraid it may never happen again.  I need to be happy again and for more than a few days at a time.  You cant run away from grief it has this uncanny way of finding you.