Depressed
Really depressed and panicking that my bad days are piling up, which means it can be the start of a new relapse, which last 2 months, can't sleep, can't take care of myself and in bed awake 8-4pm.
The POTS and heat stroke have gotten worse over the last year, basically filled with anxiety all day about any type of movement. I see from my other journals that I am sometimes much more positive. I have such major irritability and intense anger alot of the time, I get so sick of myself. And depression is a big one, new to me only in the last 7 years. I know there are a lot of good growth and awareness things happening with me, just "don't feel the love" lately!
Im even irritated when people try and pep talk me. One of the reasons I'm looking forward to writing a stand up comedy thing on CFS is because you can really be angry, shocking and honest. Sometimes I go out for a walk at night and I'm slashing the air, using the F word, etc... FEELS DAMN GOOD.
I don't have the energy to put an appropriate nice ending, but I know I have great DS supporters. Thx for letting me be honest.
(any one else terrified of summer! It is Soooo hard on me.)
The POTS and heat stroke have gotten worse over the last year, basically filled with anxiety all day about any type of movement. I see from my other journals that I am sometimes much more positive. I have such major irritability and intense anger alot of the time, I get so sick of myself. And depression is a big one, new to me only in the last 7 years. I know there are a lot of good growth and awareness things happening with me, just "don't feel the love" lately!
Im even irritated when people try and pep talk me. One of the reasons I'm looking forward to writing a stand up comedy thing on CFS is because you can really be angry, shocking and honest. Sometimes I go out for a walk at night and I'm slashing the air, using the F word, etc... FEELS DAMN GOOD.
I don't have the energy to put an appropriate nice ending, but I know I have great DS supporters. Thx for letting me be honest.
(any one else terrified of summer! It is Soooo hard on me.)
Replies
Hang in there. There\'s always new supplements you can try. It gives hope. How about MSM?
http://www.amazon.com/Kirkland-Signature-Strength-Glucosamine-375-Count/dp/B002RL8FD4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399785000&sr=8-1
Really do understand where you\'re at. Try not to panic, even though I do the same thing myself when I crash.However it just increases the crash time.We always expect the worst, based on our repeated past experiences.It may very well not be a 2 month crash this time pouty, it may be a short one, so don\'t programme that.So sorry you are really depressed.When your energy is zapped ,it\'s difficult to rise above it all, I really understand that.As for the summer, you can\'t avoid it so better you embrace it somehow.I didn\'t go to sleep until 2am and woke up at 5.30 am.Feel like a total train wreck today.I copped stress from other people yesterday, had the worst mothers day ever.Then of course, I let all the stress get to me and couldn\'t sleep.When I finally fell asleep , some idiot phoned me and woke me up, saying wrong number sorry.Ugh!! So then the whole night was stuffed and now I\'m on this damn bed again all day.Feel like swearing myself, but it won\'t help. So hang in there , pouty.If you had energy, you wouldn\'t be irritated, angry, or depressed.You would be smiling girl and going out for sure . It\'s just so bloody hard to put up with this rotten illness, I know.So don\'t freak, try to stay calm and rest again.You know the pattern will change again, and some better days will happen . I\'m here for you anytime and you know you have so many wonderful friends to support you.Love, Di
Pouty, I understand the depths of depression very well. It can roll in suddenly like dark clouds gathering before a thunderstorm. Mine can be triggered by something negative or hurtful someone has said to me, or from feelings of being left out of my family \"circle.\"
I have found comfort here at DS, listening to music about God\'s power to deliver us, and even an unexpected phone call letting me know that someone out there in this world cares for me.
I do hate it when someone says \"I know exactly how you feel\" and they really don\'t have a clue. I do know God is faithful and will give us strength to endure these trials. I don\'t always succeed in having a positive attitude everyday - that\'s hard for me to admit, but it\'s true.. I cry if I need to. But I know God hears our cries when we cry out to him, even through a torrent of tears (speaking of myself - I cry alone when I get frustrated). I agree with Di...there is tremendous support here on DS. There is freedom here to say how you really feel, and receive support and feedback.
xo
Lulu
xo
Lulu
Thx to all, your comments have been so encouraging!
Hi Pouty! I totally am with you about the fear of summer coming. I am totally heat intolerant. I just do terribly in the summer....can\'t even step outside most days. Last summer it was in the nineties almost every day. RIDICULOUS! So far this year,it\'s still a bit chilly, and that\'s just fine with me!
I hear your depression thoughts! I always fear of going into a relapse when I feel the crash coming. I think some people don\'t relapse.....so they don\'t know how long these crashes can go. I missed October and November of last year. I get what you\'re saying. Once you\'ve been through that long a time \"down\" you do go a bit crazy worrying over if it\'s going to happen again! It didn\'t happen to me. I just went through a two weeker, and it\'s letting up on me already! PTL for that!!!
You will be ok. We all know exactly what you are talking about. Glad you journaled how you are feeling! It\'s so important. Especially when we look back at our journey with this illness. We can see patterns, (like the bad summers) and we can prepare ourselves better for what lies ahead!
One day at a time, my friend! xo