Back off meds again. The stomach ache came on in spite of topamax and then heart palpitations and face muscle twitches. Finally I like had enough. But I got a brake. Now the rough part is getting back to normal without getting back to whacked out. I have a friend talking me through it. Nighttime when I'm alone is not the time to problem solve he says. Only think of bluebirds feeding their families. Drinking kava tea and eating turkey helps, getting plenty of exercise and seeing friends during the day. It's a lousy time detoxing from any drug whether it be mental or physical or both. I really don't know how many times I can do this but I already feel healthy again and it's just day 4.  So I guess this is my road. I'll try harder to stay out of the manic shit. I gave into it. I forgot what a bear it could be. Now I remember. Medication fucking sucks. I don't understand how people can take it. I just can't ignore my body fucking shreeking at me to stop it. May be that doesn't happen to other people. I'm fucked but so are you. In the long run who is to say? Called an old BP friend and she was freeking out cause she has colen cancer. Cancer is no fucking joke. And now she can't take her meds. Just food for thought. As long as I don't commit suicide and let myself give in to the LIE that life sucks, I have nothing to fear. I hate fucking stupid weak people. Good luck you all. If the economy collapes and you can't get your meds anymore may be then you'll be looking for some real solutions. Until then this bipolar site is fucking bullshit and I know it. Nobody gives a fuck about anything but keeping their stupid statis quo as we fucking kill the planet. Thanks for helping me feel so alone.