I guess I just have to pick one of those entries? Anyway I had a revelation. I kind of like seroquel. I guess it's my favorite because it works right away and it buffers my thinking and I dream and stay spiritual. I'm taking topamax with it now and I have no hunger pangs from it. Pretty cool. I actually feel more connected right now than I was last week. I'd got into such mania that I lost my connection. That's what I live for so it was getting scary. Anyway that isn't my revelation.I feel sometimes like I am unworthy of my blessed life. I have such a rich beautiful life. My therapist tells me to stay with the positive and like if you knew me you'd know I have to stay out of worldly avents, can't watch news, or hear negative babble too much. Even lame TV shows that show how shallow we are as a human race really disturb me. Getting back to the point, sometimes I allow myself to look at all the shit in the world and I'm like so why is my life so fucking good? I let myself feel totally unworthy. Then I think I should just get a fucking job and be a good pon somewhere. My therapist laughed at me and told me he'd give me about 4 days max at a job and I know he's right. It never worked in the past. I think of myself as a burden to society. You know what's a burden? The fucking war! And a whole bunch of other shit the govt. spends taxes on. And there is a rising # of sick people being diagnosed every day and if I can keep trudging, I help them. Fuck I'm a peaceful person. I no longer hurt anyone. The Universe blesses the hell out of me. See the seroquel is slowing me down so I can see the truth, oh thank God. I deserve to live because I was given life. Life isn't about $. Look where that attitude has got the world. Okay so I'm worthwhile again. I try to help people. Shit I stay alive for others at times. I care more about what's going to happen to you if I get too out there than me these days.Anyway, I'm not quite grounded yet. Sleep pattern is all over the place. But I'm feeling more connected and I'm going to stay on the meds for a while and remember what a dangerous head I had. It's been a very stressful time. It's medication time for me. It's all right. I wonder if the seroquel/topamax mix works for anyone else. In the old days the antipsycotics had very serious side effects. Anti depressents were just stupid. I come out of depression naturally with work on diet, exersize, sleep, and inspirational activity. Mania has always been my problem. And I do get psychotic. But I never started trying the antipsycotics again till 2 years ago when my sister got cancer and I was taking care of her and went off the deep end. They now work the best. I'm feeling lucky I found something. And seroquel will kick your butt witch is what my mania demands. I was on 800 then. Now I'm up to 200. The stressors are out of my life so we're hoping that 200 will be enough.