Well I repied to a site. Sometimes I think I get into this factual sounding... I don't think this disease is factual. It's about people with passion. I replied to the question, does it get worse as we get older and I came to the conclusion that it does both. I got to be ready for anything these days and that's scary.I think a man made a good point. A lot more shit happens as you get older. Friends start kicking off, killing themselves, parents become unhealthy and die, blah blah etc. Real life. It's been a very hard year for me and I'm not going to go into it but mania is my brain's answer and I find myself in another unstopable epasode. I have to take seroquel or I can't sleep again. I'm bummed and discouraged because it absolutely ruins my connection to the universe god whatever you want to call it which is where I get my peace from. So it's kind of a catch 22. I take it to stop a tiring rampage my mind keeps going on, but it keeps me from attaining the peace I really need. So I'm feeling very bummed. How did this happen? How did my head get into another state? Well it was stress. Fuck I had a lot of it. So I'm kind of getting ready to go into a depression which I used to sometimes welcome believe it or not. But this time I'm kind of fearing it cause I had a terrible depression, just 2 days, that reminded me how aweful it can get. It was drug induced from adavan. That's why I went back on seroquel and topamax, my prn drugs weren't working. I was taking seroquel in the morning too and it's good I don't have to do that anymore. So it has been 2 years. I'm up and down all the time but every 2 years I skyrocket or so it seems. This idea of looking for patterns has never really worked. It's like figuring out a childs sleep schedule. You figure it out and then they grow and need a different one. So blah blah this is boring. My attitude should be better. I just drove my truck with 224,000 plus miles on it to the tip of Baja and back without insedent. Now it has 227 plus. I was one with the universe. It was very cool and one of the biggest fucking risks I have ever taken. I thought I was done with that. I'm lucky to be alive and have had such an experience but I'm kind of in shock about it too. And of course my head is still running. Oh stop please! I just want to get into trouble. I want to see just how far I can push it and it's not even about beng one with the universe anymore.But I'm ready to take control for now cause my mind is telling me I can do it again soon. I'm already planning to drive across Canada to Alaska. I made both plans at the same time. I'm going to do it to. There is no stopping me. Am I out of control? I just don't fucking know. My therapist says if I die doing this stuff I'm doing what I love. But that was just in one scense. I have my family convinced that I know what I'm doing. I scared my mom but she has no idea. I don't know if you've been to the Baja but it is a totally dangerous place to be traveling alone in such and old car especially. On the Canada trip I may be accompanying a friend which will make it much safer for me I hope. I still don't know where I'm getting the $ and I have to pay my credit card $200 a month. I don't know, I don't know. What's living for anyhow?