Oh this is frustrating. I have been clean and sober since Oct 28, 2002 but I quit takingdaily bipolar medications officially May 15th, 2006. I tried to change the goal but can't seem to. Like anybody really cares anyhow!! :)I know that xanax and ativan can be habit forming but they aren't for me because I don't like them. I've always hated benzos. They make me feel low, dirty, and depressed. Especially xanax. Ativan is more dangerous for me so I'm real careful with it. I never take it more than 3 days in a row and never more than one time in a month. Sometimes my mania is worse than others but xanax knocks it to the ground. There is a recovery period of a few days afterward. But it seems to work. I have worked on sleep a lot. So if I still don't sleep more than one night and the next night I'm struggling I knock it out. Can't afford to go without sleep. That is what causes me to get really out there. That and sugar intake.I quit sugar 7 months ago entirely. I also gave up white flour. Talk about hard work and resentment. But now I am reaping the benefits. In fact my 32 year long eating disorder seems to have evaporated into thin air. I eat all the fruit I want and I don't seem to want to over eat it. It's great. I am very happy about it although being so clean seems disgusting. I never wanted this for myself but I'm into facing reality and trying suggestions these days and I could no longer live in the denial that my eating disorder was not making my condition worse. I can't believe I have freedom from food obsession. I have to plan my food and keep good things to eat on hand. But I've been on a pink cloud. I started eating some whole wheat lately and that seems to be OK.So me, I had to give up smoking, sugar, junk food too, and psych drugs. It's a tremendous achievement. I needed all kinds of help. But now, I have to admit life is even better. My weight used to fluctuate 10 pounds and now it fluctuates only 3. What a difference. I started out going to OA meetings but most of the people going are not practicing abstinence from their eating disorder. But I did find it helpful in the beginning. I gave in to eating a cookie and some fudge over Christmas and it immediately brought on the craving to eat more. It took a couple days for it to subside but I didn't give in. I just went to lots of AA meetings and tried to be of service. I love AA. I am proud to be a member of a fellowship of people who chose to walk in reality and support eachother to the best of their ability. It is awsome, magical. I have the best friends a person could dream of having and plenty of them. I also go to a BP support group every week that I love and I am an active member of the mental health community. I use crisis workers quite often to bounce my insanity off when I have too much for AA. We love eachother now. Like I said, it doesn't matter what I'm feeling, behavior is everything to me. I am a loving, smart person, and I chose to act that way no matter what. I owe ammends to the world. Anyway I don't think anyone gives a rats ass or ever reads my journals. That's ok. This is probably all I'll write in here. I have no wish to participate in people's insane thinking. I am solution oriented. The BP website was a letdown for me. But oh well, I know where I came from and we are all on different parts of the journey into recovery. Peace and Love.