WTF

ok, i consider myself lots of thing, but never a rude person, but at this very point, i am like...WTF life? what the hell is going on?! last week i was at the hospital with my mom , thats why i didnt changed my status or even enter tot he page, but i was happy, for the first time in a very long time my mom and i had a laugh, also..after danielle past away (my gf, well, now ex-gf) i was so sad, that even though ive suffered anorexia for years, i start eating my feelings, so last week, for the first in a long time, i star doing exercise again (which i looove) and start healthily pulling down weight again, and tehn i come back on monday enter to this page and read a couple of messages from a couple of friends, htat made me feel..that i was no longer alone, what im trying to say is thatt from last week, even though some struggles, it was teh first time in along of time many good things happened, and i was so thankfull, i thouhgt..my time to recover from..evrything in my "support group" list to recover, i felt motivated again, and now, im stuck here singing to Paul Mccartney´s "Yesterday", because i was so motivated to keep losing weight, recover grades when school come, so motivated for everything, even had a good dream (i´ve been having only nightmires for years) and i woke up, so damn happy on tuesday (yesterday) and my father was not home, and..i wont say what happened, he didnt die iif thats what you are thinking, but i will just said all those good thing are gone, well, not all, i still got this page and the friends i´ve made here, but hten everything is gone..again, and even more, and at momets like this i would call Danielle, but 1) my phone was stolen 2) she is dead,, and i miss her, i still cry about her at night and imagine her embracing me to keep me calm as she used to, as my mothe rdid as well when i was a baby, before she got sick, and before she sort of hate me. But the worst of all, even though this is going to sound stupid AF is that i dont feel a thing, at least i try not to when my dad is around, then i do, but..if you are reading this, and you have kids..havent you ever felt, you had to be stronger, even though you want to cry, you didnt cry..because you need them to see you strong? because you know is you get sad, they are going to be sadder?, my dad just enteres in crisis, and this is the first time i see him..weak..as a baby, when he came home..he was crying, crying as waterfalls, and again for the first time in a while, he hugged his mom, he didnt even llok at me, he went straight to his room, and when he said hi later, even though i..know much thing about my dad , i know how he is, and know his problems, and sometimes i know he doesnt give a shit about me..he´s still my dad, and it broke my heart to see him that way, my family is doomed by now, and i have no idea of what are we going to do, my father is already alcoholic enough, and im afraid worst things may happen if he is depressed, and my gamma, she is just very upset, also because my uncle and my aunt are moving to canada on monday, and she has to say goodbye again, I tried to keep smiling yesterday, but all i heard everywhere were staff like "what a day", or my gamma saying she should have left us, and i write to my mom..and well, she doesnt give any shits about it, she is just so mad at the things my dad has done that she is blinded by that hate..which i think is not good, even more because of her health problems, and im eating my feelings again, i just cant stop, and im just sp worried about everything that my periods of motivation are shorter, i still have them because even though this was...a not so positive jouranl entry, if you know me, or at least people that d..recognize that im a very positive person, you may notice, most of my journal entries are thankfull thoughts and those stuff, but still, even though i could try be always positive, but my weight, my sleep, my drawing, and other small little things, just show that depressive, human side i have too and idk, thats why i worte this, cuz i neede to write my thoughts somewhere, and i wanted, that maybe writting i could understand, how everything changes from one day to another, i thought i already understood that when she passed away, or when my dad left us, or when my mom got sick, or many other times, but no, because i just noticed those where ..only one thing that changed, and around that there where consequences, but now, everything just..scalated quickly