SAD....

 It's been so long since I've journalled. Things had been going quite well for so long. Then winter came. Wow! It has knocked me on my ass this year. I've never experienced depression like this before where my logical, intellectual side is struggling with my unlogical, emotional side. There is something wrong.. I feel I'm not quite "right" & I've never felt this before. I have done some research on here as well as the web & am convinced that I am either suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or maybe thyroid disorder... Whatever it is is effecting my day to day living profoundly these days. It almost feels as though I'm in a vacuum of depression but I can see outside & know that I'm ok but can't pull myself out of it. It started almost immediately after the rush & excitement of Christmas. I've not experienced that before. Weird...The worst part is that after all my work & attention to myself & self growth, in that vacuum is exactly where all the memories of hurt, pain & anger are for my ex. I don't want to be there again. I was feeling ok with things before this & I feel I'm backsliding now.Then my logical side kicks in & I know it is all just my mood (for whatever reason) & I continue to try to pull myself from the grasp of the dark vacuum. I joined a website over the holidays.. The 100 Day Challenge, which is all about co creating your life & future.. I was so excited about that. I even had a woman randomly approach me at the library in December to tell me that I had one of the most positive & warm auras she had ever experienced & that whatever I was doing, I should continue as it was obviously working for me. It was a little weird but it made my day. I have become very interested in quantum physics & the power of positive thought & that validated that my hard work was shining through... then less than two weeks later, I was down here.. being sucked in by negativity, self doubt & hurtful feelings of days long gone.. Sigh...I have made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow in hopes of getting to the bottom of this. I need to find out what is wrong with me.. if it is SAD or thyroid or something else.I had a scary thought early this morning when, once again, I couldn't sleep... What if I'm bi-polar? I have worked with mentally ill people for many years & I really don't like the thought of that...I will try to be positive though & hope that it isn't & that somehow, something will help... I want to shut off the vacuum.. I'm tired...