I haven't been on here very much recently. I am really struggling with everything. I have been seeing the pastor of the church around the corner from me. He is trying to help me deal with my anger....there is so much! It is eating me up inside. I know in my heart that I need to forgive Brendan for all that has happened...I just dont know how. I think I am holding onto the hurt & anger because it makes it easier not to miss him or grieve our marriage. It gives me some degree of control over this situation....I dont know how to let go of that control. And I dont want the pain of missing him....it hurts inside way more than hating him. I also know that I need to ask Brendan for his forgiveness for all the harsh words I have spoken to him especially over the past 2 weeks or so. Again....I feel if I ask him to forgive me, I am admitting that I have been wrong & then he gets to feel superior once more. I cant stand the thought of that! I dont feel that I have been wrong for my feelings but I do feel that the way I have expressed them has been wrong. I know that if he didn't hate me before, he certainly does now after all the cruel things I have said to him.  The pain inside is killing me & I am turning more & more to the church & God trying desperately to work through this & be a better person after all is said & done....I am hurting so much.... Thank you to all my friends on here who have continued to give support even when I have gone into hiding...I pray for you all & hope the best for each of you.