Wel...tonight has been one huge eye-opening experience for me....this is going to be a long on! All these months, all these years, I finally realized tonight what a very selfish person I have been...No wonder he left! I decided tonight that I needed to think about all the things that I have done wrong with our relationship & decided to write him a letter of apology....here it is...  Dear Brendan,This letter isn't about begging or coercing you regarding us in any way. Nor is it about manipulation of any kind. I've asked you for these few minutes so that I could extend to you a sincere a very heartfelt apology. I know that you're probably thinking that I'm up to something considering just the other day I was telling you that I would never give up on our marriage but as I said in my last email, I have done a considerable amount of thinking & soul searching.... I sit here now with you, emotionally naked, without any of my masks of defense. I'll start way back before we even got married. I began chipping away at our relationship with petty, little things. I would get upset with you when you didn't want to make love or if you didn't do things my way. If you said something, I would analyze it to death as only I can. I didn't trust in your love for me even back then because I didn't believe in myself. I didn't believe I was good enough for you. I repeated this pattern time & time again throughout the years, picking away at you whenever things didn't go as I had hoped or planned. On our 7th anniversary, I went out with a friend instead of being with the one person that meant the most to me. I look back & I know had it been reversed, I would've been devastated! I was so selfish... Looking overour almost 10 years together, I've come to the realization exactly how selfish I have been. I didn't love you in a healthy way. I loved you in a very self-serving way. By that I mean that I loved you but I always wanted or expected your love in return. I continuously manipulated in an attempt to selfishly fulfill my needs. Never once did I consider your needs. I hadn't realized until recently that I do that because I dont love myself. I didn't realize that if I loved myself, I wouldn't have had to depend on you heavily to fill that void.  I have been so extremely stupid & self-seeking that I didn't open my eyes enough to see us slipping away. Even when we nearly split up a few years ago, it was all about me, how you had hurt me. I didn't stop to see how you were hurting. Fast forward to November & December when we began seeing eachother. Again, it was my own self-purpose that destroyed the one chance of bringing us together again. I immediately became selfish, manipulating & tried to control once again in an attempt to fulfill my needs. I didn't have the insight then nor did I take the time to really listen to what you needed. All I could see at the time was my need to get you back & ease my pain.Not once through that time or even since you left, did did I really consider any pain you might've been in. I was so completely focused on my hurt & blaming you every step of the way. Now I am opening my eyes & taking a long hard look at myself & as I said in the email...I dont know how you stayed as long as you did. I am so sorry for all that I have done. I am so sorry for all that I have put you through. I am sorry for hurting you. I put you in complete control of my happiness & made you responsible for all my feelings & my whole identity. I can only imagine how much pressure that has had to be on you over the years. In my blind attempts to hold onto you, I have made my biggest fear come true. I have lost you...I have pushed you away.  I am doing this now as a baby step in my recovery & my discovery of myself. I haven't liked what I see so far but I need to forgive myself in order to progress.  I dont expect forgiveness from you because I know you must have an incredible amount of anger & hurt, not to mention distrust for me. But I hope & pray that someday, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for all I have done to you. I am so truly sorry.... Now I let go of you in true love because I can no longer expect anything in return....                                                                                                    Pam   I am so emotionally tired now...maybe tonight, i can sleep.