It's been a little while since I wrote here last. I had a really bad day yesterday. I was home alone pretty much all day & that;s when I miss him the most. I have been fighting with him so much lately & he doesn't understand that it's because I am so hurt. i texted him yesterday & told him I was really missing him. He texted back & said "Is everthing alright?" I told him I was just having a very bad day. So he had Olivia call to make sure I was alright.....A while later, I texted again & asked him if there was any chance for us. When he texted back he said that after all that has happened recently (referring to me be angry with him), that no, there was no chance. Then I became really emotional & called him. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself. I was sobbing telling him how much I missed him & still loved him. I told him that it is unfair that he judges based on what's been going on because it's all the pain that I'm in. So that's pretty much where I'm at right now. It has been 8 weeks as of today...Only 2 months but it feels like it has been a lifetime! i dont even think it would work now if we got back together because of all the damage & pain in me. But I cant let go....I'm trying so hard. How do you turn off 10 years of love? when I broke up with my oldest daughter's father years ago, I went out & slept with someone else & that helped me to let go then....should I do that this time? I'm not as young and foolish as I was back then. I worry that if there is some small chance that we'll get back together, I'll have that on my conscience. I dont know what to do to allieviate the pain. I am so lonely & lost & I still miss him so much!
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I go through the struggle of what to do myself. Everything that has happened has got me to questioned my beliefs and my very goodness. I did consider going out and just having that one night stand and as easy it is to find a person to do it with it really wouldn\'t mean anything to me. Life has meaning to me and what I do in it does. What I do effects other people are life and everyone in it are tied to each other in one way or another. I respect myself to much and what I believe in to compromise who I am. Pam we were done wrong and yet we still try to do right. I too would like anothe chance but even if that happen and as each day goes by and my wife still causes damage to our marriage it will be twice or three times as hard to repair the damage. With how strong my commitment is my wife would have to prove to me that she has to be equally or more commited than before and I don\'t know if she could be because she failed and crossed that line. I may be able to forgive for the things she has done but trust will always be an issue. I pray for you and your path you must take. Please trust in yourself, I know at times that is hard to do with all the emotions going on, but deep down inside you will know what to do.
It\'s so hard isn\'t it. I used to be amazed at how he could just flip the switch and stop caring about me. It seemed to happen overnight. But I think the fact that we can\'t means we have hearts and integrity and took our vows seriously. At least you can look back at your failed marriage and know that you tried and that you didn\'t betray him. I think I would feel cheap--and even like I\'ve sunk to his \"easy way out\" level if I had a one night stand, though I\'ve been tempted. When I actually did have an opportunity, I couldn\'t even really flirt, I just froze up, even though on some \"intellectual level\" I thought I should be able to flirt and have fun. This tells me that I\'m not ready (duh) and I think it would be wrong to use another person in order to get over my problems. That\'s the kind of think my stbx does and I\'m better than that.
The less contact you have with him and less time you spend alone, the easier it will get and the less desperate and tempted you will feel. It\'s torture. I coped by watching a lot of movies on weekends and trying to make sure I left the house--to meet friends, go grocery shopping, something.
After much debate, soul searching & clue searching, I am pretty certain now that he has not been messing around....I wanted so badly to believe that he was because the anger felt better than the self doubt. He has told me repeatedly that he left simply because he wasn\'t happy & that was too hard to accept. So if i messed around at this point I think I\'d be dropping to the next level myself.
While I was out last night, the band played a Faith hill song I\'d never heard before. \"Like we never loved at all\". If anyone needs a good cry, check it out.