I don't believe this. Up right now typing in this dang journal....
I was asleep actually pretty soundly. Woke up to a cat trying to expel a furball of all things. Managed to save that from the carpet in time. Then 1/2 later my niece comes in before curfew (that's a good thing).
But then, lo and behold I can't go back to sleep. The thoughts just come pouring in to my open crevass of a mind and take over. Breathing quickening again with that whole feeling of sadness.
I've never been one to easily fall back to sleep, but is this within my own control now or outside my own control? Am I being a big baby about this whole thing? Am I perpetuating my own drama? It seems like I shouldn't be feeling these things and thinking these things, but it just seems to be taking over my whole psyche right now. I don't want to give in to it, but it just seems to creep in and take over. I wish there was someone to talk to. I haven't really had anyone through this. Parents are great, brothers are great, but they don't talk to me about it. Am I some sort of D-word Leper now?
What the hell am I doing here? Just after Daylight Savings Time changed!!! Is it a full moon or something. It's dark outside and everyone else seems to be tucked in for the night in my surrounding neighborhood! Why can I not be?
I wish I could just shut my own voice up and quit badgering myself. Oh, and the scenarios I work up in my mind. Am I self-inflicting my own pain?????
Talked to my stbx sister-in-law tonight for the first time in over a month! Hhhm, why hasn't she called me? I've known her for 18 years and thought we had a pretty good sis-in-law relationship. It's like this isn't happening or something. I don't know what I'm expecting from anyone, but I guess I need to vent to someone.
Saw a therapist the second week after I was told about the assdumb wanting the divorce. Came highly recommended. I wanted to talk to her about how to cope with everything, am I on the right track, what do I do in the future... She was more concerned with how I'm going to hire an expensive attny. and what I'm going to/need to get out of assdumb and take him for all he's worth.
Well, I didn't follow that advice and I've done okay so far there, but what about my emotions? Didn't they count enough to talk about them then?
I guess I'm feeling a little discounted or something. My feelings don't exist; therefore, I shouldn't even be on here writing this...
Why am I sitting here right now????
I was asleep actually pretty soundly. Woke up to a cat trying to expel a furball of all things. Managed to save that from the carpet in time. Then 1/2 later my niece comes in before curfew (that's a good thing).
But then, lo and behold I can't go back to sleep. The thoughts just come pouring in to my open crevass of a mind and take over. Breathing quickening again with that whole feeling of sadness.
I've never been one to easily fall back to sleep, but is this within my own control now or outside my own control? Am I being a big baby about this whole thing? Am I perpetuating my own drama? It seems like I shouldn't be feeling these things and thinking these things, but it just seems to be taking over my whole psyche right now. I don't want to give in to it, but it just seems to creep in and take over. I wish there was someone to talk to. I haven't really had anyone through this. Parents are great, brothers are great, but they don't talk to me about it. Am I some sort of D-word Leper now?
What the hell am I doing here? Just after Daylight Savings Time changed!!! Is it a full moon or something. It's dark outside and everyone else seems to be tucked in for the night in my surrounding neighborhood! Why can I not be?
I wish I could just shut my own voice up and quit badgering myself. Oh, and the scenarios I work up in my mind. Am I self-inflicting my own pain?????
Talked to my stbx sister-in-law tonight for the first time in over a month! Hhhm, why hasn't she called me? I've known her for 18 years and thought we had a pretty good sis-in-law relationship. It's like this isn't happening or something. I don't know what I'm expecting from anyone, but I guess I need to vent to someone.
Saw a therapist the second week after I was told about the assdumb wanting the divorce. Came highly recommended. I wanted to talk to her about how to cope with everything, am I on the right track, what do I do in the future... She was more concerned with how I'm going to hire an expensive attny. and what I'm going to/need to get out of assdumb and take him for all he's worth.
Well, I didn't follow that advice and I've done okay so far there, but what about my emotions? Didn't they count enough to talk about them then?
I guess I'm feeling a little discounted or something. My feelings don't exist; therefore, I shouldn't even be on here writing this...
Why am I sitting here right now????
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