Feeling good

I am now in my second week of working at the club.  What a gift!!!!!!!!! I never thought I could say that my job is a gift.  I see how much I have grown and also that I have now chosen to work at something that has meaning for me.  Most of my jobs were in the clerical field.  I never liked what I was doing back then.  I was a gopher, go fer this go fer that, do what I say.  Here in this environment there are no bosses, there is no hierarchy.  I feel competent that I can be a help to those who are suffering from a mental illness.  Since this is based on recovery, I too am in recovery so I can better relate to the struggle of becoming whole.  I know on a very deep level what despair, sadness, anger, hoplessness feels like, for I too was there at the beginning of my journey.  It take a lot of fight to go thru recovery.  It takes committment to your healing as well.  If you are not committed to go thru the struggle, the struggle will show up in your life over and over again until you look at it, feel it, and then come to a better place with it.  I have done those things.  Still am doing those things since recovery is not an event, it is a process.I know had I not felt compassion for the inner child, had I not felt empathy for the inner child, I would not be able to help those who are struggling.  I would not see them really.  I am so fortunate that I was given the faith to believe that healing was possible.  That is all we ever need is hope.  Without hope what direction would I have gone.  I probably would have taken my life had I not had hope.  I clung to hope in the beginning of my journey.  I used to think what if all this work, all this therapy, all this crying is in vain.  I now see none of it was in vain. I am stronger, more assertive, kinder to myself, and like the person I have become.  Guess that person was always there but there were so many doubts in me that I was of value. I no longer feel that way.  Still struggle with my self esteem.  Think that is common in most people if they were to be honest, wether they were abused or not.  But I do sense wholeness, serenity, and some peace of mind.  I remember in the first few years of recovery, my goal was and still is to find inner peace.  To know when I die that I have fought the good fight, and now can go with a sense of acomplishment that I healed.  Healing has been and still is very important to me.  Since it affected every part of my life undoing 40 years of shame will take time.  But I will do it