It is Tuesday morning and I am feeling good.  Just read someone on this site her poems.  Love to read poems from other people.  It truly, as I see it becomes the voice of the child, the outrage of the child, the anger of the child, the sadness of the child.  As long as I hold in what the voice of my inner child needs to express I feel I will not heal.  Whatever way I can express the pain I will do it.  The emptying of my soul has been very cathartic.  Who would have known I had all that despair inside of me.  Well, I chose not to hold it inside any longer.  I see that some people here on DS are just starting their journey.  I know I am at a different place in my journey, so I need to be a lot more understanding of those just starting this journey.  I remember when I tried to be a counselor at the Rape Crisis center.  Went thru the training in 1988, a year after I started therapy.  I was in the militant, angry stage of my recovery.  I could not understand that the survivors I talked to were not angry over what happened to them.  Now I understand, it is a process.  Everyone is at a different place in the process, and that process need not be pushed because I want to see them in a different place.  So I respect wherever someone is in their journey.  I eventually had to quit being a volunteer counselor, because I saw I was raw with feelings and was not ready to counsel anyone, but instead had to do my healing.  I tried a few after to go thru the training and again found I was not ready to help anyone but myself.  Even a 2 years ago I wanted to help in the Domestic Abuse shelter and after the second training and crying over a video I saw, knew once again I was not strong enough to help others.  So I respect that about me.  I can only be effective in my own life first before I even thing about helping someone else.  All I can do here is tell of my story, my process and express the hope I now have that healing is possible.   I see it in my life.  I am assertive, and sense a balance in my life that I never thought possible.  But to get here was very very hard.  There are still memories that I do not remember, fragments of my childhood and not a very clear picture of those years and what really happened.  I have one more week of my job and off on another adventure working in the clubhouse with mental health members.  My hope is that I do a good job.  I think I have the usual doubts when starting a new job.  But I will go there believing I can do a good job.