I went today to a family violence meeting. It was very interesting. The subject was forgiveness. Hmmm interesting subject. One I am not there with at all. There were about 20 people there from all kinds of agencies. The person holding the meeting was a woman who wrote a book called The Deepest Wound. She is a survivor of abuse as well. The book is on the internet. It is a sad account of a woman who was so traumatized by her mother. She is a strong, courageous woman and when I read the book I cried. Ah, the F word. One I have literally skipped over whenever I read a book on sexual abuse. I know why I would skip over it. I was not ready and still am not ready to forgive. As long as I feel what I am feeling, how could I possibly forgive. That is putting the cart before the court. I got validation in hearing what was said at this meeting. Forgiveness comes in its own time and Linda Crockett, the person leading the meeting reinterated how important it is for caregivers, therapists, and pastors and anyone dealing with a survivor to not push the forgiveness issue. I said for me it negates what I know is part of the process. It is like saying forget it, it was the past and it is over. Well as a survivor it is never over. Yes, I have become stronger but I still feel, I still cry, I still do not remember the rape I know happened to me. The absurditity of saying to forgive when you have not even gotten into the anger and rage and sadness is really absurd. Forgivness if ever takes time. I think the wounds have to be healed first before one ever forgives. I do not want to hold onto my rage and anger, and it has disappated during my years of recovery, but it can be triggered real quick when my mother in law is nasty and meanspirited. So, no I am not over with it. I have a lot of work to still do on my healing. I have had 40 years of denial, and to think I am at a place of forgivness is just not possible for me. I do not feel quilty for not forgiving. I will not feel guility if I do not forgive. References in the Bible were brought up about Jesus on the cross said "forgive them for they know not what they are doing. I did not hear the words from Jesus, I forgive them. He asked His Father to forgive them. And that is what I am doing. I am asking God to forgive them because in my heart I am not ready. I am an open loving person but I have my limitations as well. When you have been abused for 23 years by 2 foster families, it will take me some time to work and process all that I denied for so long. I will give myself that time to process and work on loving me first. All other things will fall into place in a timely manner. First things first.
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Wonderful journaling jeanette...I learn alot from your journals.....You are not passing on the abuse that you suffered to anyone else or to yourself, your are working hard on yourself healing that is I feel the important work that you can forgive yourself and maybe is it is meant to be the ones that abused you...keep doing your good work on yourself all else will fall into place.....Great journaling :0)
I agree with Janis in the previous comments.
Yeah being asked by others to forgive and forget. That\'s when my \"F\" bombs reenter by converstion.
Take care.
Jenna
Thank you both for your comments. I posted the poem I read at this meeting. It is a very powerful poem that I hope all survivors on this site will read and think about. That poem is my voice and I am sure the voice of many here on DS.
That F word has plagued me during my entire healing journey. This culture pushes forgiveness on us. I don\'t believe it\'s necessary to forgive to heal. I read \"The Courage to Heal\" in my 20\'s and that helped me deal with the forgiveness brigade. It was one of the first books I read on SA. The authors have a chapter on forgiveness and say letting go is important but that the only one we need to forgive is ourselves. They go further saying that anyone who believes forgiveness is necessary to healing shouldn\'t work with survivors.
Interesting whenever I get really angry about the abuse someone will come out of the woodwork and just tell me to forgive. I\'ve had professionals, survivor friends, spiritual teachers, etc. push this on me -- just made me feel worse and the healing process harder. I found their comments offensive and insulting.
We all have our own path. You know what you need to do to heal.