Every time I come to this site Daily Strength I am so saddened by what all survivors go thru.  At times I just want to scream.  I want to scream and yell and stomp my feet and say STOP IT.   At times I so wish I could take my pain away, make it go away.  I feel as tho 20 years is enough time to heal.  Now I want to experience the healing and not feel.  Today I feel spacy again, like I am not in my body.  It has to be a body memory, the rape which I still do not see in my mind.  It is there, oh yes it is there and it haunts me.  I want to see what happened to me when I was 9 or 10.  But I cannot not see YET.  As long as there is trauma locked up in my mind and body I will not rest.  I am angry also.  I am angry that because of someone elses uncaring, insensitvity to me as a child that I have to go thru this day after day after day.  I am damn mad.  I am mad that I am not the only one who has been traumatized.  I could understand a disaster, floods, hurricanes and even war as trauma.  I am not negating someones trauma as being real and frightening but to be a child and not get help, not get comfort when you are being abused I think is by far a worst trauma.  Of course that is all I can relate to being abused.  That as a child I had NO ONE, no one to save me.  How sad for the little child I was.  You would think now that I am dealing with it, it would not be so painful, but it is.   At least children traumatized by things other than sexual abuse they have a voice for their pain.  It was too dangerous to speak.  I had no voice.  I had to take it over and over and over again.  Had I said something, I would have been beaten and certainly not believed and even if I did say something it would have been ignored.  I was ignored.  The foster parents should never ever have taken in 10 children.  They were not good parents to their bio children who all turned out but one to have a drinking problem which  in turn made their drinking turn them into bad parents.  It is a cycle.  5 bio children who were abusive to their kids.  These foster parents truly were terrorists.  I hate them with every breath that I breathe.  I hate them because at 60 years old, I still feel the pain, the anger, the rage and the grief of never knowing love or compassion or a sense that I was an okay child.  I thank God I did not do any of those things to my son.  I respected him and loved him.  It is a miracle that I was the parent I was and still am.   I think living with my mother in law and when she is bitchy and lies about her behavior, it sends me back to being that little girl once more.    Guess I thought when I moved in with my mother in law that she would be the mother I never had.  Well that has not happened.  She can be just as abusive as my other 2 foster mothers were.  It brings it all back, all the pain, the agony, the despair that I will never have a mother who loves me for who I am.  It is like a constant reminder my mother in law is about how cruel mothers can be.  Need to keep my expectations really low right now regarding her.  She will never change, she is 90 and never dealt with her issues.  I am and I think that is a threat.  Oh well, I need to do this for me.  I need to feel all that is necessary to feel to heal.  So this is today.  Tomorrow will be different.  I see that no bad situation lasts forever.  Maybe I am really feeling some of the core issues that have been repressed and layed dormat for 40 years.  Wow, I have a way to go, but for my sanity and my peace of mind, I will take this rocky road.  I will stumble, and fall and take 2 steps back, but then take 10 steps forward.  This is how recovery goes I would think.