It was a good day today.  Went to a church I have never been to before.  It was called the Community Mennonite Church.  Was going to meet my friend there but she decided to not go.  I found the people of this church to be warm and non-judgmental.  That is so important to me to not be around people who I sense are judgmental.  Since I have judged myself harshly for many, many years and now am a lot more compassionate with my inner child, I stay away from judgment.  It seems to be an out reach kind of church.   I know in my heart I so want to help others who are suffering.  At times when I feel my own pain, I think I might not be as effective in others lives because I can easily cry when they cry.  But I know in time I will be strong enough to be there for others.  I have known ever since I started this journey that as I heal, that healing can be passed on to others.  I call my healing a gift.  A gift from God.  I could not  have said that when I first started this journey.  All I wanted was for the memories to just go away.  Now that I have opened Pandora's box, thre is no turning back.  I am committed to healing and remembering as much as I can about my past.  In remembering I see I have so much compassion for that little girl I once was.  I look at children the age I was when abused and still to this day cannot understand anyone harming a little child.  I cannot fathom that a adult would want to cause that much pain to a child.  As long as adults do not face their own demons, be it sexual abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse they will in fact pass that hatred onto their children and others as well.  It is a vicious cycle abuse is.  How this world could be healed if all people who had abusive childhoods delved into the pain surrounding their past. I thank God I did not abuse my son.  In fact I was the opposite.  I never spanked him, never believed in spanking and would do time outs instead.  I talked to him often about him having his own feelings and that is was okay to feel anger towards me as his mother.  I did not repeat my past onto my son.  I am certain there were times I was not there for him as when I was acting out with other men.  I know if my son were to confront me about the kind of mother I was, I would be able to handle it.  How could a mother who was so wounded know how to parent a child.  I was carrying a wounded 3 year old inside of me.  My hope is that I did not damage him too much.  Guess some of that is mothers guilt.  He knows he is loved by me .  My hope is that is enough for him to grow and believe in himself.