I am sitting here with a cold.  Have diabetes.  Blood sugar is high.  Oh well part of being human.  I have read some of the posts on this site and how I wish I could reach out to all those who suffer as I have suffered.  I read about forgiveness and in the 20 years of dealing with the abuse, I am not about forgiving.  How can I forgive when I am still going thru the pain of remembering.  Who knows, I might never forgive.  Forgiving would be like, someone hitting me, and immediately I forgive them.  One has to first feel the anger, feel the rage, feel the anger and go thru that process of feelling before they ever forgive.  I am still in the process.  The only one I could forgive at this point is myself.  I can forgive myself for not knowing what I know now.  I can forgive myself of acting out of my pain in my marriage.  I knew no other way than to repeat the abuse in all the affairs I have had, the threesomes.  I am glad I have no desire to do those things again.  If I did now, I would be taking 10 steps back in my recovery.  I have grown and know me a lot better and what I need and want in my life.  No one, I mean no one will ever hurt me as I was for 23 years living in that foster home.  I have to undo 23 years of a belief system that does not serve me well today.  I am not stupid, I am not ugly, I am not a bad person, but I sure believed that for 40 years.  I carried so much shame inside of me. and now realized that was not MY SHAME.  The abusers were the ones who should have carried this shame inside of them.  I was a child, a precious child who just needed to be loved.  They took advantage of that vunerability in me.  Certainily my foster father did.  I was taken from my bio mother at 2.  I probably showed on my face that I was lost.  I hate my foster parents for the numerous times they tried to break my spirit.  I am living proof they have not broken my spirt.  I am stronger than they ever were.  I chose to go deep into the pain, and come out the other side of stronger person and effective person in my life as well as in the lives of others.  I AM THE PHOENIX RISING FROM THE ASHES OF MY CHILDHOOD.  I can only soar.  Some days I don't feel as tho I have the wings to soar, but the next day I find I have the courage to go on.   I cannot quit.  My God, that is so strong a feeling in me.  I cannot quit.  I have worked sooooooooo hard to become whole.  I cannot go backwards, only forward.  In time my dream is to help others to heal.  I cannot help others until I have helped myself.  Only then will I be an effective helper.