Today I am feeling spacy. Usually when a memory is coming up I feel that way. I so wish I could remember most of what happened as a child. Guess I will have to just wait and see what the EMDR therapy will bring up. Sometimes i have to say, it gets really old to have to go thru this one more time, but this time with the emotions I was not able to express as a child. I have cried more in the last 20 years than I have in a life time. Crying was not safe as a child. I would have been yelled at or discounted for whatever I felt, so I stayed quiet. I cannot be quiet any longer. The pain was too great, the memories too awful to be quiet ever again. I will tell my story over and over and over again. It has to be told. There are way too many women out there who have been either raped, which for me as a child, I was raped. I have called what happened to me as a "soul murder". My sprit was broken so many times as a child. But it really was not broken because here I am, alive, surviving and thriving. I will beat this!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not let my abusers rent space in my head. They have for 60 years. But-----first I must go thru this time to become a stronger more intergrated person. So I wait, I wait for whatever comes out of my psyche that will help me better understand the anxiety and fear I go thru every day. Today I face my fear. It cannot hurt me, only relieve me, because now I understand the why's. No one, absolutely no one will ever hurt me as the foster family I lived with did. May they rot in hell.
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Hey, we are almost neighbors. I live in Oil City, PA, about an hour and one-half north of you. I sympathize with your pain but until you go through the pain you cannot get well. I was molested by a step-dad/grandfather. When my parents were killed in an auto accident, my grandparents adopted us. I, like you, hope my tormentor is rotting in hell. No child should have to go through what we did. But, I am now on the survivor side and like you, I tell my story to other women on a regular basis just to let them know they are not alone. Good for you for getting some help with this.
Thank you for your uplifting words. Yep, we who have had to suffer at the hands of others are pretty amazing people. I applaud anyone who makes the choice to go thru the pain and to have a voice. I am a poet as well and have read some of my poems over the years at the Rape crisis center here in Lancaster, PA. I thank God I now have that voice I did not have as a child.
I have been in therapy since 1987. I would not change a thing Sunset, not a thing. I am a stronger woman and am now assertive when it comes to others. My poems are my voice. Think I will post my \"My Name is Shame poem here on this site. I think everyone will relate to the poem. We are the Phoenix rising from the ashes of our abusive childhoods.