Update
I just wanted to write a quick update. My last journal was during a pretty rough time. I am doing much better these days.
I've started planning a nursery and really getting excited. It's been nice to feel like it's ok to be happy.
I had the thought the other day...this is really going to happen this time. I'm going to have a real, actual baby...that is all mine. I don't have to share, I don't have to give it back. I'll be the one needed to soothe the tears...who can make everything better.
I still have a random bout with anxiety here and there. It's more of a physical reaction than an emotional one, which has been kind of strange, since anxiety generally begins as an emotional/mental process that begins to exhibit physically. I get the racing heart, rapid breathing, etc out of nowhere. If I can't find a trigger, then how do I combat it? That's been the frustration anyway.
We got the kids sent to their mom's for the summer. My anxiety level dropped drastically after that. I feel bad about that. I love them. But I really just needed them gone right now, I think.
I talked with my Dr at my last appointment about the anxiety. She said that she is 100% sure that exhaustion is playing a part. She said if I'm tired at all, I should sleep. She gave me a prescription for Xanax - along with assurances that it would absolutely in NO WAY affect the baby negatively - and said that if I absolutely need it, I should take it. I'm trying to stay away from that. But, like she said, which is worse? Completely losing my shit and having to be hospitalized or taking a pill to calm my system down?
My therapist, in her wonderful therapist way, pointed out that maybe I still had some grieving for the lost pregnancy to do which was preventing me from being able to acknowledge this pregnancy. I realized that I was truly feeling that loving this baby was going to feel like I was just forgetting the last one. She had me do this amazing exercise where I wrote a letter to the baby I lost. It cleared so much pain out of my chest...I felt like I could breathe again. And it made it ok to love this baby.
My therapist also gently suggested that maybe I take a break from DS for a while. She felt that maybe hearing/knowing about every single thing that could possibly go wrong at any point...maybe wasn't a great thing for me right now. I've struggled with this. I don't want to be the person who gets support, but then can't give it. But I think she may be right. I have to stop letting the fear take control. Which means I need to surround myself in positive thinking.
So....I've been getting on less. I still check in here and there and read journal updates and such. I want to get to a place where I can offer support. You ladies have done so much to help me through the most difficult times of my life. But I guess sometimes we have to take care of ourselves before we can be of any use to others.
I pray for all of you and think of you often. I pray that God will comfort and heal all of our wounds - whether fresh or scars.
I've started planning a nursery and really getting excited. It's been nice to feel like it's ok to be happy.
I had the thought the other day...this is really going to happen this time. I'm going to have a real, actual baby...that is all mine. I don't have to share, I don't have to give it back. I'll be the one needed to soothe the tears...who can make everything better.
I still have a random bout with anxiety here and there. It's more of a physical reaction than an emotional one, which has been kind of strange, since anxiety generally begins as an emotional/mental process that begins to exhibit physically. I get the racing heart, rapid breathing, etc out of nowhere. If I can't find a trigger, then how do I combat it? That's been the frustration anyway.
We got the kids sent to their mom's for the summer. My anxiety level dropped drastically after that. I feel bad about that. I love them. But I really just needed them gone right now, I think.
I talked with my Dr at my last appointment about the anxiety. She said that she is 100% sure that exhaustion is playing a part. She said if I'm tired at all, I should sleep. She gave me a prescription for Xanax - along with assurances that it would absolutely in NO WAY affect the baby negatively - and said that if I absolutely need it, I should take it. I'm trying to stay away from that. But, like she said, which is worse? Completely losing my shit and having to be hospitalized or taking a pill to calm my system down?
My therapist, in her wonderful therapist way, pointed out that maybe I still had some grieving for the lost pregnancy to do which was preventing me from being able to acknowledge this pregnancy. I realized that I was truly feeling that loving this baby was going to feel like I was just forgetting the last one. She had me do this amazing exercise where I wrote a letter to the baby I lost. It cleared so much pain out of my chest...I felt like I could breathe again. And it made it ok to love this baby.
My therapist also gently suggested that maybe I take a break from DS for a while. She felt that maybe hearing/knowing about every single thing that could possibly go wrong at any point...maybe wasn't a great thing for me right now. I've struggled with this. I don't want to be the person who gets support, but then can't give it. But I think she may be right. I have to stop letting the fear take control. Which means I need to surround myself in positive thinking.
So....I've been getting on less. I still check in here and there and read journal updates and such. I want to get to a place where I can offer support. You ladies have done so much to help me through the most difficult times of my life. But I guess sometimes we have to take care of ourselves before we can be of any use to others.
I pray for all of you and think of you often. I pray that God will comfort and heal all of our wounds - whether fresh or scars.
Replies
I love that you are feeling better :) And I can relate to and understand so much of what you said.
I can understand the guilty feelings of feeling relieved that your stepchildren were sent away to their biological mom for the summer. But it\'s so understandable that you feel that way. You have been through a lot and now you have a baby on the way :) And all the exhaustion, etc. that goes along with that. It is perfectly ok to want/need a break and to have more time now to take care of you.
I love that you are feeling more excited----that the anxiety for the most part is giving way to feels of this all sinking in. That this baby is yours to keep :) And that you\'ve started planning the nursery and recognize that it\'s ok to be excited. This is all wonderful news.
It is also ok to still have anxiety at times. It\'s very ironic that you bring up \"physical anxiety\" for which you can\'t attach a cause. Because my therapist was just talking to me about this --- this week. That sometimes there is anxiety that is initiated by thoughts which then leads to the physical symptoms. But sometimes there is physical anxiety that kicks things off and then our mind tries to get involved and attach thoughts to it. He said that when we do this---trying to engage the mind in the process and figuring out what is \"causing this\" it actually exacerbates the anxiety.
He said when you have pure physical anxiety with no obvious known cause....to get in your body and breathe and the physical symptoms will continue but you won\'t be adding to it by attaching anxious thoughts to it as well.
I think your therapist is so spot on about having unresolved feelings/grief about the pregnancy you lost. This is so normal. I don\'t think anyone enters a subsequent pregnancy with everything resolved.
Also, I wanted to say that I think your therapist\'s advice to stay off or limit your exposure to DS is also spot on. I have seen a number of women do this (take a break from DS) either when they are having a hard time and DS is inadvertently making it worse. Or when they are pregnant and DS (again, inadvertently) becomes a source of new things to worry about.
Whenever I feel like I need a break from DS....there is some feelings of remorse....but I tell myself and I have told others on here as well----that DS is not a life contract.
Yes we love each other and care about each other. But we also always need to make ourselves come first in these situations.
This is a support group. And if it is not serving its purpose for us at a given point in time or is someone (again, inadvertently) making things worse....then it is ok to take a break or break off completely.
I have had a number of DS friends deactivate their account and then we stay in touch through email. Because it became too painful/too anxiety provoking to stay on here.
I had anorexia/bulimia in college and I was in a real (non-virtual:) support group. At first it was heavenly to hear of others going through the same thing (there was no Internet---no online support groups then)....so this was a godsend to be able to connect with others who truly understood the agony.
But over time....after a couple months, I noticed that it was actually feeding (no pun intended) into my issues. Because maybe I would be having a better week and i would feel pulled down by hearing of others who were stuck. And it would mess with my head hearing about others thinking they are fat and purging, etc......when this was the very cycle I was working through so hard (via therapy) to break. I tend to internalize a lot and absorb everything like a sponge. And so eventually I sent a really heartfelt letter to the support group and explained why I decided to exit.
We know you are a good person :) We know you care :)
You and your baby are most important right now so you do what you need to do.
I support you with whatever you decide and send you thoughts of calm, strength, comfort, and shared excitement for the beautiful baby you are growing :)
Glad you\'re feeling better and getting excited!
So glad u are in a better place and finding healing. Like you I have been focusing on the positives and sometimes that means I am not able to be on DS and offer the same support as I used to. Will be thinking of you! Xoxoxo
I am so glad that you are feeling stronger friend. *HUG!! It\'s ok to take the breaks that you know you will benefit positively from. DS can be a great support but, it can also drain a person. While it\'s great to spill our guts on here other folk\'s drama doesn\'t need to become your drama and make your stress level shoot up. You have a wise therapist. Enjoy your break. I will be thinking of you friend. Keep us posted on your world when you can.
Thank you for your encouraging words. It helps more than I can express. But you all know that! :)