Journal
Lately I've been quite seriously contemplating throwing in the towel on this whole baby thing. I'm afraid that sounds flippant, but I'm sure you know it is not. It is heart wrenching and I'm sure if I really let myself feel the full emotion of what that meant, I'd be a train wreck right now. Which is perhaps much of the reason it's on my mind. I just don't want to be a broken, shattered woman. And I'm afraid that's where I'm headed if we continue down this road.
Maybe I've just missed that part of my life. Maybe I should just accept where I'm at. 36 and unable to get pregnant, for whatever reason. Maybe I should stop fighting it and just learn to find happiness in a life and future with Matt and our fur kids.
I think this and I feel peaceful, instead of anxious. But then I see how cute Matt is with little kids and my heart aches.
For whatever reason, I haven't ovulated since my miscarriage. Well, I did 2 weeks after, but not since. When I had an ultrasound around CD10 my Dr only saw 2 small follicles on my right ovary, so she said it was unlikely I would ovulate this month. So I've just dismissed the possibility from my mind. And it's been nice to not be getting anxious or wondering or worrying or thinking about it every minute of every day. Last night I actually had to look at a calendar and figure out what cycle day I was on, instead of just knowing immediately.
We planned to do Femara with my next cycle in an effort to get my body ovulating again. I think we'll go ahead with that, but I find myself dreading getting back on that emotional roller coaster.
Ever since I miscarried I have just felt so utterly broken inside. I mean, women are made to create and nurture children. That is the purpose of our existence, right? So how broken am I that I not only can't create one, but when I do I can't keep it alive. I know that is destructive thinking and I try not to let those thoughts get a foothold in my mind, but they just persist.
One of the leaders in my church gave a talk in October about how when we are broken by life's painful circumstances we should remember that we are in the hands of the ultimate potter, who will tenderly piece us back together again. It was a beautiful talk that really touched me. It was one of those moments when I felt the message was directly for me, because the wording of being 'broken' was exactly how I have thought of myself over the last few months. Broken inside.
I feel like this month, knowing there just isn't even a possibility, I've felt like I've started to mend, started to be pieced back together. You know how after something fragile has been dropped, broken and then glued back together you have to be extra careful? The wrong jolt or bump in the wrong place and it will shatter again? Well, that's how I feel. Like I have to be careful because the glue isn't dry. And even when it is dry, will I be able to keep from shattering when infertility pushes me off the shelf onto the tile floor?
Right now, I'm not sure I want to take that chance. Maybe it's time to cut my losses. I mean, we did get pregnant once, on our own. Maybe it's time to just leave it in God's hands and move on.
I love my husband dearly. And if I get to spend the rest of my life with him by my side...I'll count myself damn lucky.
Maybe I've just missed that part of my life. Maybe I should just accept where I'm at. 36 and unable to get pregnant, for whatever reason. Maybe I should stop fighting it and just learn to find happiness in a life and future with Matt and our fur kids.
I think this and I feel peaceful, instead of anxious. But then I see how cute Matt is with little kids and my heart aches.
For whatever reason, I haven't ovulated since my miscarriage. Well, I did 2 weeks after, but not since. When I had an ultrasound around CD10 my Dr only saw 2 small follicles on my right ovary, so she said it was unlikely I would ovulate this month. So I've just dismissed the possibility from my mind. And it's been nice to not be getting anxious or wondering or worrying or thinking about it every minute of every day. Last night I actually had to look at a calendar and figure out what cycle day I was on, instead of just knowing immediately.
We planned to do Femara with my next cycle in an effort to get my body ovulating again. I think we'll go ahead with that, but I find myself dreading getting back on that emotional roller coaster.
Ever since I miscarried I have just felt so utterly broken inside. I mean, women are made to create and nurture children. That is the purpose of our existence, right? So how broken am I that I not only can't create one, but when I do I can't keep it alive. I know that is destructive thinking and I try not to let those thoughts get a foothold in my mind, but they just persist.
One of the leaders in my church gave a talk in October about how when we are broken by life's painful circumstances we should remember that we are in the hands of the ultimate potter, who will tenderly piece us back together again. It was a beautiful talk that really touched me. It was one of those moments when I felt the message was directly for me, because the wording of being 'broken' was exactly how I have thought of myself over the last few months. Broken inside.
I feel like this month, knowing there just isn't even a possibility, I've felt like I've started to mend, started to be pieced back together. You know how after something fragile has been dropped, broken and then glued back together you have to be extra careful? The wrong jolt or bump in the wrong place and it will shatter again? Well, that's how I feel. Like I have to be careful because the glue isn't dry. And even when it is dry, will I be able to keep from shattering when infertility pushes me off the shelf onto the tile floor?
Right now, I'm not sure I want to take that chance. Maybe it's time to cut my losses. I mean, we did get pregnant once, on our own. Maybe it's time to just leave it in God's hands and move on.
I love my husband dearly. And if I get to spend the rest of my life with him by my side...I'll count myself damn lucky.
Replies
Awesome journal friend! You\'ve painted a vivid picture of yourself right now and I can sense the peace in your words. I realize you are not over come with peace right now and still have anxieties like most of us deal with daily. But it sounds like you are healing and allowing yourself to be healed, rather than staying stuck in the pain and the hurt and all the other crummy emotions, which of course never completely go away but be do move on, we learn, grow, heal, get stronger.
I think you are already stronger than you realize, even if the glue hasn\'t set yet, you have picked up the shattered glass pieces and are creating a beautiful new picture window.
I can relate with wanting to throw in the towel and not deal with all the maybes, what if\'s, why not me\'s, will this month work, melt downs if it doesn\'t, etc. So for now, just take care of you, continue to heal and know that its ok to walk away for a bit to make sure YOU are taken care of.
Remember....yes women were made to create and nurture, but we were made for so much more! We are partners to our husbands, we are strong working women, we are caretakers to family, friends, loved ones, we are unique in the gifts and services we can provide to the world....whether that be volunteering at a shelter, working with under priviledged youth, nursing a sick family or friend back to health, supporting friends that are struggling, volunteering with the elderly, loving and caring for our fur babies....the list goes on.
Your value is not measurable friend!
XO
What an open hearted journal. I don\'t think I could have responded any better than CaliCutie has.
There is a WORLD to be said about having your soulmate by your side.
I know many women who have children but as for the marriage.....eh. I hear them complain/male bash, etc. And they sort of throw themselves into the mom role (and I\'m not an advocate of that) and everything else falls to the wayside.
I\'m not saying that having a beautiful marriage eliminates the heart\'s desire for children....in fact perhaps it could be said that the more beautiful the marriage....the more heartbreaking it is when having children has been met with challenge after challenge.
So I do hear your heart\'s desire and the intense emotional pain you have been through.
But you are so right...you are incredibly blessed to have your Matt.
My husband and I have been through 3 miscarriages in the past year.....and I relate very much to what you said about being shattered into a million pieces and the constant repairing and the glue not drying.
I feel that.
What a beautiful, honest journal. I really love Cali\'s point of how we are made for so much more. Don\'t ever forget your worth friend :)
Wow, I could have written this journal. I feel like you reached into my own heart and wrote so much of what I am experiencing. I love what CaliCutie said about us women being meant for so many things in addition to being Mothers, and I agree. And as great as it is to have a wonderful soulmate to go through life with, it doesn\'t take the pain away from wanting a child. I think of you often and I hope you find some peace within, no matter where this journey leads. I\'m here for you.
Broken is a fitting word. Take time to heal. In time, you\'ll gain perspective. Move forward with your life. Take a little break. After a while, it\'ll become clearer whether you want to \"throw in the towel\", or keep trying trying a variety of avenues to have a child.
I\'m in my forties. A few years back, I couldn\'t take all the treatments, stress, and disappointments anymore....so hubby and I took about 9 months off. No treatments. No baby talk. We lived our lives and got physically and mentally healthy. I started going to acupuncture. In time, I realized that I still had a little bit more in me to keep fighting to have a child. In time you will know. Wishing you peace.