Anger
On Saturday, I got a hand written card from my doctor. Telling me she was thinking of me and to hang in there. She is so amazing, I just love her. But of course, that opened the floodgates.
After days of not feeling well - crampy and sore from ovulating, oncoming cold, itchy full body rash that won't go away, emotional shit - I lost it. I am SO ANGRY. I just feel so angry. Not at anything or anyone. Just angry.
Why the hell does everything have to hit at once? When I'm already broken beyond belief? I SHOULD be able to have a child. Anyone who wants a child should be able to have one. No one should have to go through this hell. I just want to scream and cry and throw things. I want to have a full on tantrum right now. My poor husband. He asked me yesterday if I was 'done being PMSy'. Which of course made me want to scream and cry and throw things and yell "I'm not being PMSy. I'm grieving my child! And I'm so angry that I lost it." That's what it is. I'm so angry that after going through so much to even get pregnant...I lost it. My body failed again. I couldn't even grow a baby. I feel like such a failure.
I know none of that is logical or true. I know that shit happens. It's no one's fault. It just happens. But oh my heart hurts.
After days of not feeling well - crampy and sore from ovulating, oncoming cold, itchy full body rash that won't go away, emotional shit - I lost it. I am SO ANGRY. I just feel so angry. Not at anything or anyone. Just angry.
Why the hell does everything have to hit at once? When I'm already broken beyond belief? I SHOULD be able to have a child. Anyone who wants a child should be able to have one. No one should have to go through this hell. I just want to scream and cry and throw things. I want to have a full on tantrum right now. My poor husband. He asked me yesterday if I was 'done being PMSy'. Which of course made me want to scream and cry and throw things and yell "I'm not being PMSy. I'm grieving my child! And I'm so angry that I lost it." That's what it is. I'm so angry that after going through so much to even get pregnant...I lost it. My body failed again. I couldn't even grow a baby. I feel like such a failure.
I know none of that is logical or true. I know that shit happens. It's no one's fault. It just happens. But oh my heart hurts.
Replies
I\'m so sorry. You have every right to grieve. For some (like us), It\'s not easy to get preggo and when we finally get preggo, it\'s like a slap in the face to lose the pregnancy. So do take time to grieve and be angry. Please remember, you did nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself and keep sharing. Big hugs.
What a wonderful doctor- I\'m so glad you have her support. Thinking about you!!
My heart aches for you hun, I\'m glad you know that this loss is not your fault and that you do not deserve this. But I know it doesn\'t change how you feel. Its cruel and unfair that you struggled to get pregnant only to lose it so early. I am so sorry you are faced with yet more heartache and loss. Take your time to grieve, I am confident that you will heal emotionally but it will take time. Thinking of you ((HUGS))
I am so very sorry. I wish I had something to say to take away the pain, but you know I know all too well that isn\'t possible. My therapist said its good to feel the anger from this, as it helps the healing process. I hope you find some peace and comfort and the pain lessens. It\'s really so very unfair. I\'m glad your doctor is so sympathetic and kind. Sending you big hugs and tons of support.
I\'m so sorry you\'re going through this. That any of us are going through all our own heartbreaking versions of this.
And I completely understand the anger.
I have been in a major anger phase (not the first of the past year...just one of many) in the past week. Where I feel cynical and frustrated and wish I could direct it at something or someone but there really is no something or someone to blame. Which I think makes it harder then to find an outlet for it.
My therapist taught me an anger release technique that involves a certain way of breathing and using a tennis racket (I use it on our ottoman)---when no one is home. And yelling with every strike of the racket. It does make a difference. To move that energy OUT.
He says it\'s even more effective to do it in the presence of someone (e.g. spouse). And you stand up when you\'re done and make eye contact. It\'s \"owning your anger\" and \"holding your place of power\".
I know this probably sounds goofy but it works. I haven\'t done it with my husband though. Only alone. Or with my therapist.
I will find that after doing it for a few days...the force at which I do it lessens in intensity until finally I hit a day when I realize I don\'t need to do it anymore.
It might come back weeks or months later but then I just return to the exercise and do it again.
Thinking of you. I know the anger can be so very difficult to manage. And I second what others said---what an amazing dr. you have to have sent you a personal note.