Christmas
While Dina only died in April of this year this is the second Christmas we are celebrating without her. That really sucks to think about. Last year she was 10 days removed from very nearly dying and still not completely out of the woods. This is my daughters fourth Christmas but only two of those were celebrated with her mother. That breaks my heart, especially since she was under two years old for both of those. The likelihood that she will have any memory of celebrating Christmas with her mother when she gets older is likely 0%. I cant put into words how much that pains me.
Last year I woke up and did Christmas morning as best I could with my daughter. I will say that her excitement made it easier on me than I expected it would have been. After playing and hanging around the house for a bit we got dressed and went to my parents house. She stayed with them while I went to visit Dina in the hospital. That was not a way that I ever envisioned celebrating Christmas with my wife. But I can actually look back and recall some happy memories. Dina would say as she started recovering that Christmas Day was the first day that she started having a memory of, when the fog started to lift so to say. And in hindsight I agreed with that. I felt like that day was the first time we really communicated with each other (through writing and other means, not talking). It was amazing give the previous 10 days that I was able to feel like I could talk to her at that point and she understood everything I was talking about. Then it came time for me to leave so I could spend more time with my daughter and try to give her as normal a day as possible. As I was saying my goodbyes to Dina (hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc.) she reached up with her left hand and put her hand on my cheek and just held it there. I immediately broke down, but in a good way. And Im getting teary-eyed right now just writing about it. I needed that in the worst way at that time and it was as if she knew. It was the first time her hand touched anything other than my hand since December 14th, when I left her the night before everything happened. And to be honest, at that point it felt like the first time she ever touched my face. Despite everything that has happened since then I still look back at that a year later as a very happy memory. I woke up that morning thinking it was going to be the worst Christmas ever and left the hospital feeling pretty damn happy. A great Christmas gift indeed.
Merry Christmas Dina!
Last year I woke up and did Christmas morning as best I could with my daughter. I will say that her excitement made it easier on me than I expected it would have been. After playing and hanging around the house for a bit we got dressed and went to my parents house. She stayed with them while I went to visit Dina in the hospital. That was not a way that I ever envisioned celebrating Christmas with my wife. But I can actually look back and recall some happy memories. Dina would say as she started recovering that Christmas Day was the first day that she started having a memory of, when the fog started to lift so to say. And in hindsight I agreed with that. I felt like that day was the first time we really communicated with each other (through writing and other means, not talking). It was amazing give the previous 10 days that I was able to feel like I could talk to her at that point and she understood everything I was talking about. Then it came time for me to leave so I could spend more time with my daughter and try to give her as normal a day as possible. As I was saying my goodbyes to Dina (hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc.) she reached up with her left hand and put her hand on my cheek and just held it there. I immediately broke down, but in a good way. And Im getting teary-eyed right now just writing about it. I needed that in the worst way at that time and it was as if she knew. It was the first time her hand touched anything other than my hand since December 14th, when I left her the night before everything happened. And to be honest, at that point it felt like the first time she ever touched my face. Despite everything that has happened since then I still look back at that a year later as a very happy memory. I woke up that morning thinking it was going to be the worst Christmas ever and left the hospital feeling pretty damn happy. A great Christmas gift indeed.
Merry Christmas Dina!
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