My Journal
I just joined this site today, April 10, 2013. I'm not sure how to proceed, but am willing to do whatever I need, want or must to be a happier and better human being. At the same time, I hope to explore new possibilities and horizons, while trying to deal with adversity and the very real prejudice against disabled people in todays world. I see a therapist who seems to understand the complex catacombs of child/parent pitfalls, as well as helping me be a stronger person and guiding me in trying to navigate those catacombs.
What most people don't ( or don't want to) understand is that we don't choose to be disabled, it's thrust upon us and we try to make the best of a bad situation. Nor do we see ourselves as fitting into that "disabled" picture. I choose to say that I have spinal issues and limitations - rather than calling myself "disabled".
Unfortunately, because I try so hard for "a normal life", others sometimes don't see how hard I work at trying for that elusive state. Because I don't whine and complain all the time, I am dismissed as a fraud and malingerer. If I'm not whining..I must not be in pain..right? Wrong.
Because I try to hide my pain, I am seen as not hurting and therefore able to do more - whether I am "running on fumes" or not. I take full responsiblility for my own "over-doing" and have, indeed, suffered for it. I blame no one but myself when I do that. It's a fault I have...not wanting to disappoint someone or ask for help, so I push through the pain. Haven't we all done that? And haven't we all suffered for days afterwards because of it? I have learned that I have to admit my limits and not allow others to emotionally blackmail me to push beyond those limts. People take offence at that word..blackmail. However, no matter what word is used..if the situation repeats itself after limits being said...the act remains the same.
Unfortunately, that causes unwanted reactions from people. So..I have to decide..what's worse? The pain and inevitable permanent physical damage done by pushing beyond what I should do...or the pain of discord with the people I have tried to help? Let's not forget the denial by those people of my limits as well putting their own wants before those limits. No one wants to have to admit that they do things like that...no matter whether it's a concious or subconcious act. The test of truth is..will they accept their involvement and talk through a workable conclusion..or take the stand of an answering accusation in the way of denial?
I have even been accused of "fooling" a large group of Doctors and Surgeons, simply because I didn't want to have to work anymore. I am constantly amazed at the power of suggestion and range of "control" that those accusations afford me, over professional people who have trained for a long time, dealt with the sort of injuries I have for a long time and (most likely) seen their fair share of true malingerers....yet have collectively diagnosed me as "disabled" and treated me for two decades. I have always wondered - how did I manipulate exrays and MRI's to reflect injury when there wasn't one? I guess I don't understand my own "powers". :P
I truly feel that the people in my life who have labeled me and abandoned me when I could no longer "be of use"... do so for the sole reason that they are afraid I will ask for some sort of help. Something I very rarely have done. I try to BE helpful...not ask for it.
I live my life with the attitude that it's not "over" because of my issues...it's different. I have found easier and more "doable" ways to deal with a lot of things. I have also had to let things go when I was made to realize they were no longer within the scope of what I could physically do.
I also am willing to admit my short-comings and have tried to make amends for my wrong-doings - past and present. Heaven knows I have had my share and then some. The main problem there is that those sort of things only work when all parties are willing to make them work. I refuse to label myself "victim" ...yet also refuse to Be labeled unfairly by others.
People need to see that not only am I aging...but I am dealing with a physical "disability" as I age, along with all the limts that come with it.
I guess standing up for myself and seeing all that is the first step in my emotional freedom. I just wish the cost of standing up for myself wasn't so high.
What most people don't ( or don't want to) understand is that we don't choose to be disabled, it's thrust upon us and we try to make the best of a bad situation. Nor do we see ourselves as fitting into that "disabled" picture. I choose to say that I have spinal issues and limitations - rather than calling myself "disabled".
Unfortunately, because I try so hard for "a normal life", others sometimes don't see how hard I work at trying for that elusive state. Because I don't whine and complain all the time, I am dismissed as a fraud and malingerer. If I'm not whining..I must not be in pain..right? Wrong.
Because I try to hide my pain, I am seen as not hurting and therefore able to do more - whether I am "running on fumes" or not. I take full responsiblility for my own "over-doing" and have, indeed, suffered for it. I blame no one but myself when I do that. It's a fault I have...not wanting to disappoint someone or ask for help, so I push through the pain. Haven't we all done that? And haven't we all suffered for days afterwards because of it? I have learned that I have to admit my limits and not allow others to emotionally blackmail me to push beyond those limts. People take offence at that word..blackmail. However, no matter what word is used..if the situation repeats itself after limits being said...the act remains the same.
Unfortunately, that causes unwanted reactions from people. So..I have to decide..what's worse? The pain and inevitable permanent physical damage done by pushing beyond what I should do...or the pain of discord with the people I have tried to help? Let's not forget the denial by those people of my limits as well putting their own wants before those limits. No one wants to have to admit that they do things like that...no matter whether it's a concious or subconcious act. The test of truth is..will they accept their involvement and talk through a workable conclusion..or take the stand of an answering accusation in the way of denial?
I have even been accused of "fooling" a large group of Doctors and Surgeons, simply because I didn't want to have to work anymore. I am constantly amazed at the power of suggestion and range of "control" that those accusations afford me, over professional people who have trained for a long time, dealt with the sort of injuries I have for a long time and (most likely) seen their fair share of true malingerers....yet have collectively diagnosed me as "disabled" and treated me for two decades. I have always wondered - how did I manipulate exrays and MRI's to reflect injury when there wasn't one? I guess I don't understand my own "powers". :P
I truly feel that the people in my life who have labeled me and abandoned me when I could no longer "be of use"... do so for the sole reason that they are afraid I will ask for some sort of help. Something I very rarely have done. I try to BE helpful...not ask for it.
I live my life with the attitude that it's not "over" because of my issues...it's different. I have found easier and more "doable" ways to deal with a lot of things. I have also had to let things go when I was made to realize they were no longer within the scope of what I could physically do.
I also am willing to admit my short-comings and have tried to make amends for my wrong-doings - past and present. Heaven knows I have had my share and then some. The main problem there is that those sort of things only work when all parties are willing to make them work. I refuse to label myself "victim" ...yet also refuse to Be labeled unfairly by others.
People need to see that not only am I aging...but I am dealing with a physical "disability" as I age, along with all the limts that come with it.
I guess standing up for myself and seeing all that is the first step in my emotional freedom. I just wish the cost of standing up for myself wasn't so high.
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