3 weeks of healing

I wish I could give you all hugs. I can connect with your anger, your pain, and your bewilderment. It's only been two weeks since my husband formally told me that he is a woman. I was upset, angry, hurt, felt betrayed, abandoned, like he was this selfish human being that perhaps never loved me at all. We were together 2 years before we got married nearly 3 years ago. They've not been entirely happy years. He is my second husband and step-father to my two barely teenagers. They love him, respect him and listen to him exactly as they do me. He and I fought our way around a carousel, sometimes around the country because sometimes we live 2600 miles apart. He left our home almost a year after we got married and went back to his home he was originally from. We stayed together, we worked it out, our love for one another was stronger than our knowledge that something was wrong and when we came to the end of our long road together it was on the side of the freeway in Santa Cruz where vacation came to a grinding halt a month ago. It was impossible, we'd failed in our marriage but there had to have been a reason two people who loved one another so completely were unable to get along. I began to think he was crazy, bipolar and needed medical attention. His behavior was erratic, and hurtful. I came back to home 2600 miles away waiting for the end. He told me over the phone and by email that outside he was a beautiful, almost six foot man with the most beautifully male face I've had the pleasure of looking upon in person, but inside his mind and his heart he was a woman like me, smaller, delicate, girly girl in dress and appearance complete with all the trimmings and how much he desires to be the person he truly is. My husband died that day, described to me that the person I'd fallen in love with on the outside was a careful mask, a facade where he had tried to be everything I'd ever wanted in a man, a husband, a father and he did wonderfully at times but he was a lesbian inside and he'd been overwhelmingly overcompensating to be a man as he was "supposed" to be. He cracked under the weight of trying to be something he wasn't. I hurt for him, for the knowledge that I'd just lost the man of my dreams I'd thought. It was the most soul-tearing pain inside, like I was literally watching him die and yet he still talked to me. I listened to him for hours and hours as we used to do. We sat up for days doing little but talking to one another on the phone for a solid week. We needed more help so we reached out and he joined a support group that helped introduce him to other people who understood what he and what we are going through. He has acceptance, love, no judgement, and understanding and I needed the same environment for myself. I joined this but quickly became fearful of all the anger I understand but cannot allow myself to become a part of it. It saddens me to see this I happening to so many other people but in much more terrible ways. I wish that your spouses had been as gentle with you as my spouse has been with me. I found a different support network: Straightspouses.org for spouses who are heterosexual. I haven't called them yet and I will only during the times my children will be away. I need help for me to understand, to grieve, to let go of my anger, to accept and be able to move forward. With all the bads in our relationship it's quite surprising that I found myself staying married, I had a new chance and a new beginning for a fresh start to get to know the woman who'd been there all along in my life, who was still my best friend, still loved me desperately, but wanted to change to look more feminine. I am heterosexual, a tomboy/sometimes dressy woman. The bads in our relationship were caused from his jealousy of how I looked, the perfume I wore, the dresses I wore, the makeup I could freely play with and the handbags. Her perception and behavior was in equal to a teenage girls envy of the older beautiful woman, who reeked of sophistication and class. The one each girl finds to model herself after for who she wants to be when she grows up. I started watching videos on youtube for understanding too, I delved thoroughly into what had happened over the years. I'd grown up with two transgender teens as close-knit family and friends and so I think I'd figured out that he displayed some similar signs of being transgender well before but denied it to myself. Both of my family members though had been able to come to terms with who they were by the time they were in their 20s, my husband had met me and he immediately gave up who he was so he could have the family he always wanted. I found Jennifer Navarro on youtube and she has stayed married to her spouse even though he transitioned fully and they are raising their kids together inside an environment of love and acceptance and this is what I have chosen for myself as well. There are many of us without any support and lost loved ones who were not willing to open their minds or understand. He told his 83 year old grandma who took the news so well and told him everything was ok. She loved him no matter what gender he truly was, always had, always will, His mother's unacceptance and terrible reaction when he was 12 made him hide who he truly was for 20 years and his grandma was happy for him if he could now be able to be who he truly was and be so lucky as to have his wife and kids love, acceptance, and support and strength to stay together. It is a crazy life I've had trying out the normal and staying together will mean I have to come out to my side too. I've been asked if I'm secretly a lesbian? Why else would I stay married? I've been called a sexual deviant for staying and loving her anyway. The person I loved did not die, only the mask I'd thought I was with. I completely love her just as much as I did him. I'm scared of the sex part but there's no rush into any of that. I'll stay through hormones and supply ice cream and chic flicks, through Facial Feminization surgery and hope she'll be a beautiful butterfly, through advice on how to wear make-up, hairstyles, cocoa butter for when her breasts grow, mannerisms, and she has great style already. I know it isn't a choice most of us would make but I am apparently an exception to the rule anyway because my husband has been loving, gentle, kind and understanding to me and told me he wants to work it out and be with me and the kids through the rest of our lives. Best friends, always. A fairytale maybe but one where I'll give 150% to try and so will she. I hope everyone who is walking on this road with me finds some peace and love tonight. I give you all hugs, love, and understanding of what it's like to go through this. Hang in there! Whatever the outcome. Just because one door slammed in our face doesn't mean there won't be another one in the future where we can still be happy and find peace