3 months.......

Today marks the 3 month anniversary of Bryan's death. Really though it just feels like any other day. It only just dawned on me about 10 minutes ago. I did the same things  I always do. Went to work and came home. Nothing at all eventful. When I think about it missing him is very hard. Missing someone you'll never be able to see again is a strange and eerie feeling. It bothers me that I don't have any faith or practice any religion. If I did I could at least have the thought that I will see him again one day. But I don't feel that way at all so that's very frustrating. All I have is the hope that I will see him in my dreams sometime and I'm still waiting for that. I haven't had a single dream with him in it since he died. I sometimes sit and wonder why this happened to me. There are so many others who have lost loved ones and I wonder why it has to happen to anyone? If we could die at the same time, peacefully. then no one would have to go through the daily sadness that follows afterwards. That isn't a practical thought though so I'm not sure why I think things like that. I'm just waiting for it to get better. Just when I think I feel okay something triggers memories and makes me lose it again. It passes a lot more quickly than it used to though. Now I mostly only get upset when I hear a song. I know that I will be upset on Friday when we "bury" him and I know I will be come Christmas, New Years, and the day he was diagnosed. It will be okay though. I have to just keep telling myself that.....