3 Days before Beta
Still no symptoms. I now that I will be vaguely disappointed on Friday when the pregnancy test comes through negative but I guess right now I have other things to focus on.
Last night I completely lost it. I had made up a huge batch of Winter meals to put in the freezer. I had written what each one was and the date it was made. Throughout the process I was fine until I thought.."what if I am doing this in case I am no longer around soon?" I know that sounds melodramatic, but I work with melanoma patients and I have seen how treatment ravishes he body. What happens if I have to have that treatment and can no longer look after my family. I broke down. I cried myself to sleep last night, and I am crying about it now.
Rationally, I know that there is a significant chance that I will still be here in five years, but I guess there is always going to be a little voice n my head saying, what if I am the small percentage that doesn't make it. Geez, I feel so sick just thinking it.
I also know that there is absolutely no point in worrying about it. By getting upset and stressing about it all, I am achieving nothing. I know that by worrying about worst case scenario, the consequences of worst case scenario will not be diminished. I also know that worrying and stress produces cortisol and increases the body's tendency to hold onto weight and make the emotions feel very negative. This also achieves nothing. So basically, it is time for me to switch into lizard brain mode and take the emotion out of it. By the end of next week, I will hopefully know the outcome of the tests. If it is a bad outcome, and my days are numbered, I don't want to waste any of them on negative emotions. Rather, I want to continue being grateful for the amazing people I have in my life, not least of all my brilliant husband and beautiful son. I want to find joy and beauty in the little things and live large.
I know this is all completely irrelevant to infertility. I started out on this forum like most others, desperately longing for a child. I was finally granted my wish and now we are going through FET again. Up until about 3 weeks ago, that was the biggest focus in my life...and now it suddenly is just that....my life is now the biggest focus...and I want to make it count.
Last night I completely lost it. I had made up a huge batch of Winter meals to put in the freezer. I had written what each one was and the date it was made. Throughout the process I was fine until I thought.."what if I am doing this in case I am no longer around soon?" I know that sounds melodramatic, but I work with melanoma patients and I have seen how treatment ravishes he body. What happens if I have to have that treatment and can no longer look after my family. I broke down. I cried myself to sleep last night, and I am crying about it now.
Rationally, I know that there is a significant chance that I will still be here in five years, but I guess there is always going to be a little voice n my head saying, what if I am the small percentage that doesn't make it. Geez, I feel so sick just thinking it.
I also know that there is absolutely no point in worrying about it. By getting upset and stressing about it all, I am achieving nothing. I know that by worrying about worst case scenario, the consequences of worst case scenario will not be diminished. I also know that worrying and stress produces cortisol and increases the body's tendency to hold onto weight and make the emotions feel very negative. This also achieves nothing. So basically, it is time for me to switch into lizard brain mode and take the emotion out of it. By the end of next week, I will hopefully know the outcome of the tests. If it is a bad outcome, and my days are numbered, I don't want to waste any of them on negative emotions. Rather, I want to continue being grateful for the amazing people I have in my life, not least of all my brilliant husband and beautiful son. I want to find joy and beauty in the little things and live large.
I know this is all completely irrelevant to infertility. I started out on this forum like most others, desperately longing for a child. I was finally granted my wish and now we are going through FET again. Up until about 3 weeks ago, that was the biggest focus in my life...and now it suddenly is just that....my life is now the biggest focus...and I want to make it count.
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