3:56 am
Okay, I woke up at 3:09 and have just been sitting here having all of this stuff run through my mind. My allergies are killing me, why are there are tons of dead fish in the lake, why hasn't the air conditioner turned on, why didn't I get even one Mothers Day card from my four kids (a text from each but still...), I worked my ass of for the week before and again on Mothers Day (I am a florist) and got nothing. Not one "good job" from my boss but he will be sure to give me shit about the overtime. Clearly another issue I will have to cover with my therapist. Today at work my assistant tells me she is going to retire. She is my rock, my mentor, my sanity there at work and she is a friend. I cried and I haven't stopped. If this were paper it would be an ink stained mess. Never in my life did I ever think that I would be where I am today. Totally lost. I hope this is the bottom of the pit because I don't think I can go any further down. I feel no purpose to go on, I am not a priority to anyone, my work sucks, my non existent life sucks and as a person according to the daily affirmation of others, I suck. Geez, this is pathetic. I want to just wake up and realize this is all a bad dream but oh yea, that supposedly already happened when I left the marriage. Crap, I have to go tend to my pile of Puffs. WTF?
Replies
While you may not feel you have a purpose there are tons of people who appreciate what you do and who you are.
You are obviously good at what you do and you have a boss who doesn\'t appreciate you. Think of all those people who send your flowers to family.
You realy should feel at least good that your kids did text you. I am having to text more and more. I hate it but some things have to be replied to the way they were sent.
Before the next holdiay sit your kids down and tell them what you would like. That you would feel so much better if they sent you a card or called you on the phone. They may not realize that you need more direct contact for now.
If you are unhappy in your job start looking around for another. For each negative you write about there is a positive and I know you are hurting right now. In time your thoughts will change and become more positive. I\'m sending you some much needed (((HUGS))). I hope they help to brighten your day.
Thank you Trisha. I tell you I am like a clock right now. When the hands are moving up I feel like I can make it but once the hit the twelve and start their way back down I follow. I cry at the drop of a pin. I told my boss today that my assistant was going to retire and he tells me to find another designer. That insensitive SOB! She is not just a designer to me. She keeps me sane in my job, gives me so much encouragement, we are a team. There is no replacement. I feel like I am losing everything. The marriage, the kids, my assistant, my sanity, my faith that I can carry on here. We are always saying we need two of each of us to get everything done. How am I going to do it all with just me?! Everything is falling apart and I\'m standing in a cornfield watching it all get swept away. It\'s overwhelming. On top of all of this, the ex tells me.... \"Tomorrow is a \"NEW\" day, it\'s not a carryover. Everything in it is new and you will always have your husband here to count on\". WTF?!? does that mean? I have never had my husband there to count on. The new day part I could agree with but the whole part about him being there for me is a big fat load of crap. He has no idea what it means to be there for someone. It\'s kind of like people that are color blind. They see black and white or whatever two or three colors they can. Everything else is non existent. The man feels absolutely NO emotion. Period. He has no idea what it feel like to give someone a piece of your heart. But he sure knows how to take. He has some kind of mental wall that will not let any emotion in or out. I can\'t move forward in the situation we are in and I am so frustrated by him that I want to scream. I know I am not a victim, I am in control of my life but there is just so much that is effecting me that is out of my hands and I can only carry so much. I\'m just going to keep crying. I don\'t care how long it takes. When I stop, I know I\'ll be alright. Thanks for listening to me vent.
Look up Narcissism. I don\'t know if that has been mentioned. All you can do is your best. Do the most important things first and the rest should take care of itself.
Flowergirl:
Your husband may not be a true narcissist, but he definitely sounds like the quintessential emotionally constipated man! I was married to one of those for almost 25 years. How someone could walk around for their entire adult life like a rock is beyond me! He broke down for a total of 3 minutes when his father died; no tears shed whatsoever when his mother committed suicide just six months later!
Divorcing him turned out to be one of the best things I ever did! It is one thing to be in touch with one\'s own emotions -- it\'s another to try to live with someone who can so effectively stuff theirs down (and expects you to do the same). That is NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!