The road to recovery

Just joining the site and creating a journal entry to mark the ocassion.

Been going through a rough patch. Keeping it all bottled up hasn't been helpful. Feeling stress around work; I feel like I'm not able to do my job and it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try to remember that I can handle whatever happens; I've been through this before.

I had a similar situation a 15 years ago; I ended up running from work - the world really. I didn't work for 10 years; during that time started therapy and started medication. Tried going back to school for 2 years to attempt a career change. That didn't pan out. Eventually it got to the point where I wanted to get back into the work force. Got involved with some programs that help people with disabilities find work. Signed up with the DOR(Department of Rehabilitation) and got into a training program. That program got me an internship; that internship eventually became a job. I've now been at that job for about 5 years.

The past 5 years had some tough times that I really had to work through. About 1 year in, I started to feel trapped at the job. The ruminating thoughts brought me to the point where I felt that suicide was the only way out. I planned the way that I was going to do it. The day of my planned suicide, I got scared, backed out of my plan and checked myself into the emergency room. Checking into the emergency room was so hard; I tried to convince myself that the suicidal feelings had passed and I would be ok. In reality, I knew that I was a bad event away from going through with my plans.

I was put on a 5 day hold in a facility. Ended up changing my medication and took a 1 month leave from work. Feared being judged by co-workers upon my return. It wasn't easy being back. I felt a lot of shame for the way that I felt and having to take a leave. Things did get better.

Until about  6 months ago, things had been pretty good. There were raises and a promotion along the way at work. I asked my psychiatrist for a therapist; I felt that things were starting to become unmanagable again. Have met with the therapist 3 times. I also got to participate in an online support group. It's been helpful. About a month ago, under direction from my pychiatrist I increased the dosage of the medication that I was on. Still lots of ups and down; with mostly downs. I found myself crying often because the emotions were so overwhelming.

Thoughts of suicide come back some days. I haven't made a plan, but fear I could be one day away from doing something drastic. Feelings of hopelessness are scaring me. I called the employment assistance program that my work offers. I got connected with 3 free sessions from a therapist. The therapist gave me the idea to ask for more frequent therapy from current provider.  I've asked for and been granted a referral for more frequent therapy. It's an outside agency; I'm waiting to be matched up with a new therapist.

Realizing that there's been a lot of work to get to where I am today. Proud of that! I've been in the situation before, ran and found my way back. Going to try sticking it out this time and see what happens. Going to keep the faith. 

Things that I've been doing to cope:

meditation

journalling

walking

inspriational youtube videos