3/15/16
I came back to DS because FB was getting me nowhere. I would call out for help and no one would reply. I would vent and no one cared enough to post an emo. I would ask a question or take a poll and only one maybe two would reply. So why be on there only to wait expectantly for nothing to come. So I know on here I can vent and leave it all on the page. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I am overwhelmed by the amount of medication I take mornings and nights. I have multiple medical problems that I cannot control because I cannot control my stress because of everything around me is so messed up including my kids and my ex-wife. I had a brain tumor and still am fighting a second one with chemo, I am an Epileptic, I have Tremors, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Migraines, black out spells you name I bet you I have it. I am pending SSI so I can only earn a max of $1000 a month. Even if I am granted SSI this is still the case. I live in my fathers basement who undeniably hates me but keeps me there because I have no where else to go with my 14 year old son I see on a part time basis. My sister also lives in this house which my father favors the most so you can see how this situation is, and I have been doing it for 81/2 years. I hate my life. I used to be somebody, now I have to settle for these regular jobs and I clash all the time with management because I was once was one of them. This sucks. I am on three different sleep meds but can't sleep a wink. I can take naps but come on? I am in so much pain the Pain mngt Doc keep shuffling me around because they can't find anything strong enough. My primary Docs PA suggested I turn to POT, haha, I told him to get legalized.
Enough shit for today. Maybe I will spill some more tomorrow. :/
Enough shit for today. Maybe I will spill some more tomorrow. :/
Replies
A venting story continues...all is the same; I hade another seizure last Thursday but didn\'t lose consciousness so I able to still Drive. My Doctors finally collaborated and allowed the insurance to pay for my personal TENS (TNS) unit. Now I can put this on the nerves that are in severe pain at any given time during the day or night. Score one for me.I am still having stress problems with my boss and co-workers at work for the 5 hours that I am there. The DVR wants me to stick it out to see if it gets better but I keep telling them that this is too stressful for my health and maybe the reason I had the seizure at work. My SSI isno longer pending but under review and waiting an open court date by video. You would think if I could focus on this all day I could stay positive but there is so much negative crap everywhere and you wouldn\'t know it by looking at my little room but I am a clean (ish) freak, haha. I say that about my room because my 47 years of living is packed into 14X16X12tall. This is all that was/is available. Need to get out of this situation (for the last 17 years) Bye for now. :/
wow sounds like you have fought a with a bad life for quiet some time.....I hope everything gets better for you :)
I figured out the title of my book, \" Stepping up on a down escalator.\" I have been working with DS and a couple of outside sources about my sensitivity towards things and they believe this all happened when I had my first brain surgery; but there is one if not more than one thing that I am still not letting go of. Two weeks ago at my Psychiatrists office he broke me down and got one of them out of me. It was the day that my mother died. All my family were in town from all over the States. The morning I came over I remember so vividly, my sisters Liz and Angie were in the kitchen talking, my mom wanted to expire at home, she was in a hospital bed in the living room. I had bought her a little monkey with a #4 packer shirt-she loved the packers. Before this, let me set the stage, I had read somewhere that the dying are just waiting to hear if everyong are there and alright. SO, I got down on my knees and was talking to mom and introduced her to Brett the monkey and asked her is there anything else she needs? (She was in a catatonic state) Then I whispered into her ear and said youare a good momma, your time is done here, all of your family has made it safe and sound, go be with Jesus and tell him I say hi. Go no mom before the others come home, go. and as I lay on hey lifeless body and held her hand---she past.
I am so sorry about your mom ....and hope that you got through that difficult time and I wish you would believe me if anyone knows your pain its me ;)
***There may be days when you get up in the morning & things aren\'t the way you had hoped they would be***
***That\'s when you have to tell yourself that things will get better*There are times when people disappoint you & let you down***
***But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments & opinions*to keep your life focused on believing in yourself***
***There will be challenges to face & changes to make in your life*it is up to you to accept them***
***Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you*It may not be easy at times* but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are***
***So when the days come that are filled with frustration & unexpected responsibilities*remember to believe in yourself & all you want your life to be***
***Because the challenges & changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you***
***Keep Believing in Yourself ***
I\'m with you I understand pain I deal with non-stop bone pain non-stop chronic nausea & inner shaking does it by it self Dr\'s have no clue now been working with Awesome Acupuncture over 3 years its help not be flat down 24/7 just some days are worse than others never know.
So sorry loss of your Mom I understand I lost my dearest Grammie on a hospital bed in her living room I was still in recovering of losing right kidney when got a call a week prior she was asking for me I went down there & cleaned her whole house & my uncle brought her last sandwhich got her up to dinning room table & my last pictures were taken with her I miss her dearly but I know I will see her & others someday but my time isn\'t done down here I have a lot of her pretties.
Awesome to write a book I\'ve always said I wanted to as I do have family that has & still are & there is a story started on my cancer journey & I know I will probably be the one to finish it someday.
Keep believing in you as I do.
...*`*..*`\'*..
.......*G*O*D*.......
....*B*L*E*S*S*...
...`*.*Y*O*U*.*
.............`*****Angel***