2nd Year is Worse

Well I guess I thought that since I am past the 1 year mark that thing's would just change,yea well they do but for the worse.My best friend (might as well be sister)says it is because I have finally accepted the fact that Pat is not off driving an 18 wheeler,that he is gone and is never coming back.Well reality just sucks!!!I hate repeat HATE this life without him,Nothing ever goes right and even if one thing does go right ten more go wrong!!!Why do we have to suffer like this?Isn't being without the person we counted on,the love of our lives,our soul mate enough?I am way passed depressed,probably need to be on meds,actually I should be a pill popping,chain smoking,alcoholic hoarder,but I'm not,I try to do the right thing's,always have tried.I have not got that great of an education and jobs are hard to come by here,my only chance is to travel 20-30 miles one way and if I'm lucky to get on at somewhere like McDonalds.I am at my wits end with this trailer,it's paid for,but,needs cabinets,flooring,new commode,dishwasher,stovetop,It is like living in a construction zone that will never get done because of no money.Christmas will be coming soon and even though my kids are 16 and 23,they always expect a great christmas because that is what they are use to,when Pat was here spending 2500+ on Christmas was nothing,we went Christmas Crazy!!It has alway's been my favorite time of year and it really is the only time of year worth living to me. I just do not see how I am going to do everything we need to do,I have to find a job even if it kills me,My back is so bad that I can not take a job where there is a lot of lifting and that rules out a lot of jobs. I have to atleast get the cabinets and cooktop in before the holidays,and some type of floor in kitchen,I also have to go ahead a nd start buying Christmas because we have lot of people to buy for.

We also should be the poster children on lawn mowers,got a riding mower that was Pats,but it will cost maybe 200 to fix it,had a snapper mower (push)that lasted maybe 6 weeks(used) then go and buy a mower (push,used)for 23 dollars,cuts the yard 3 times and now the string is broke on it,every time we buy a used one something messes up,can not afford a new one,so here we go again with the yard growing like crazy and have to find a way to cut it,none of these people here will help at all,it's all about the ever loving dollar here.I told the kids if all this happened in MS atleast we would have family.Everytime I bring up going home,my daughter goes into a panic attack and throws a fit,her friends are here,her extended family is here,she loves the school,so I would be a selfish b----,if we went home.Although I have very few friends here,the one friend that is a widow and whose life is as screwed up as mine lives about 25 min away in Sevierville.I know if we went back home there is no chance of a job at all,don't know where we would live and Sandy has a good job at casino (has had for years)and wouldn't have time for me and all my worries,so that's why I stay in TN,atleast there is a chance here of turning thing's around.

I am still having so much trouble with the fact that Pat is truely gone,Why am I here?I really do not have a purpose other than the kids,Pat was (is ) my soul mate,I should be with him,we were always meant to be together,me without him just doesn't work!!!I was the one with all the aches and pains (still got them)I was the one who has no experience doing anything,he was a trucker,he could have still kept the family together without me,none of this makes sense,my life sucks and I really don't know how to change it,I have no energy,I cry more,I was doing great at 6 months compared to now.Why is this happening to me? What is happening to me? All I really want to do is be with Pat and honestly that sounds like the answer to everything,just not my choice,Got to wait on God for that.

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Dear Mary, it breaks my heart to read your status in life right now. I have never stopped praying for you and I will keep on praying for you.
The road blocks are from the enemy and remember God in you is so much stronger then anything man can to do here on earth and also anything that the enemy can do.
Did you know, when Jesus comes back for us, His voice will kill the enemy and Jesus appearance will destroy the enemy?
Take that bold and strong Word and send that enemy packing and receive Gods glory in what rightfully belongs to His children who have faith in HIm.
Everything that is happening to you is allowed by God to make sure you choose HIm over worry and depression (which are from the enemy).
When you feel that worry starting tell it to be gone in Jesus name and if does not go, tell God to take it from you and replace it with His wisdom and joy.
Keep praying also for what the calling is for you from God.
He will reveal it to you and it will replace the sadness in your heart.
Hugs & God Bless,
Judy