2nd Step Study Meeting Today!
I went to my second step study meeting today! I am actually enjoying this 'recovery' thing...I don't know why EVERYBODY doesn't do it. Recovery forces you to sit down and be quiet and listen...listen to your self and to others...focus on yourself and listen to others...actually you know what...it's a lot like DS...for me at least...Every week I get to go meet these women that are struggling with something and trying to take care of themselves...while I'm there doing the same thing...and I DON"T KNOW THEM! I DON"T have to know them! I don't want to know them...cause if I did, I wouldn't be able to focus on me.
Tonight we answered some of the questions associated with lesson one: DENIAL ...and they were some pretty hard questions...I'll post them later along with a summary of the lesson but one of them was a question about a family secret...wow...I didn't realize how powerful thinking about that was going to be...I knew what my family secret WAS...but I've never had to share it out loud before...I had never said it out loud (except maybe to my ex-husband, and I am not even sure about that) but saying it tonight in room with 10-12 strangers...it took me a while...and I had to look at the floor while saying it, but I said it...but it was about ten minutes after saying it that it hit me...while listening to someone else speak about their secret...the memories of my secret came back into my mind...I felt like that little kid sitting in the dark corner at the top of stairs burying my face in my knees so I wouldn't have to see the shadow of what I couldn't help but hear...but I see it my head...I can't get it out of there...I can't close my minds eyes...that's probably why I try very hard not to think about it or not to give it a voice...cause then it's back...and I have to face it...and that's when the water works came on...I cried quietly for a few minutes because of the memory that still resides in my mind :(
And there's another "secret" but it's not really a secret...it's something about me that I just don't think is anyones business...it's a secret that me and my mother share... and it's nothing bad or demeaning or harmful...actually now that I think about it's not even a secret...it is one little know fact about me...and like I said it's something about me that only the maternal side of my family knows...and because they knew it, i got treated differently as a child by my own family and it is because of that, that I pushed them out of my life...it is also why since I've known, I have not share that little known fact with anyone in my life...my son doesn't even know and he never will.
Well I guess that's it for now...i am actually getting sleepy now and think I will go to bed. Good night DS.
Tonight we answered some of the questions associated with lesson one: DENIAL ...and they were some pretty hard questions...I'll post them later along with a summary of the lesson but one of them was a question about a family secret...wow...I didn't realize how powerful thinking about that was going to be...I knew what my family secret WAS...but I've never had to share it out loud before...I had never said it out loud (except maybe to my ex-husband, and I am not even sure about that) but saying it tonight in room with 10-12 strangers...it took me a while...and I had to look at the floor while saying it, but I said it...but it was about ten minutes after saying it that it hit me...while listening to someone else speak about their secret...the memories of my secret came back into my mind...I felt like that little kid sitting in the dark corner at the top of stairs burying my face in my knees so I wouldn't have to see the shadow of what I couldn't help but hear...but I see it my head...I can't get it out of there...I can't close my minds eyes...that's probably why I try very hard not to think about it or not to give it a voice...cause then it's back...and I have to face it...and that's when the water works came on...I cried quietly for a few minutes because of the memory that still resides in my mind :(
And there's another "secret" but it's not really a secret...it's something about me that I just don't think is anyones business...it's a secret that me and my mother share... and it's nothing bad or demeaning or harmful...actually now that I think about it's not even a secret...it is one little know fact about me...and like I said it's something about me that only the maternal side of my family knows...and because they knew it, i got treated differently as a child by my own family and it is because of that, that I pushed them out of my life...it is also why since I've known, I have not share that little known fact with anyone in my life...my son doesn't even know and he never will.
Well I guess that's it for now...i am actually getting sleepy now and think I will go to bed. Good night DS.
Replies
I actually went to my third step study meeting this last monday...
and I am looking forward to a open share meeting tomorrow...but...I just don\'t know...this is hard work and he isn\'t doing anything...I know the recovery is for me and it\'s my choice to stay with him but I can\'t help it...I love him...and I\'ve realized that we are a lot alike...but what I love about him is what I hate about me? ...does that make sense...he is arrogant and condescending...well...I realized that i am too...I just do a better job at covering it up...but I am just as arrogant and condescending as he is...if not more...and I don\'t like being that way...it\'s just that that is the way I am...I\'ve also done the same things to him that he has done to me only he has an excuse...he is an addict...I don\'t have an excuse...do I...I dont know I just don\'t know what to do...I waste so much of my time thinking and worrying and wondering...that I am in a chronic state of depression and dont know what do! This is all so f\'ing frustrating...everything not just the fact that my marriage is failing, my finances are non-existance, I am sick...and he is an addict but everything...I just don\'t know where to start picking up the pieces...