2nd month thoughts on widowhood.
Mu husband passed on March 31, 2010. Since then I've had time to think about what makes this so much worse than other deaths I have experienced in my life. There has been two: a miscarrage and the death of my mother.
The miscarriage was horrible. It happened in the sixth month and we'd made all sorts of plans. It was a new feeling for me as I'd never wanted children and had not expected to have them(just a feeling). I was devastated and thought surely nothing could be as bas as this.
My mother passed away eight years later. We were close, but I had such faith in God that I made it through.
But my husband passing away has been the hardest loss I've ever experience. Why? I asked myself. Why is this death the hardest.
And my answer: I lost everything when my husband died. You see we'd planned to grow old together. We had built a life together. We had friends that were out friends.
When I had the miscarriage, I lost a child that I had not known. He was my future.
When I lost my mother: I was an adult, independent. I hadn't made plans to retire with her, travel the world. I hadn't relied on her to do certain task around the house. I didn't expect to spend evenings, weekends, nights with her. I didn't expect to snuggle up with her at night. My mother was part of my life, but in no way did I see her as my life. And I'd spent my life knowing she'd most likely go before me.
Not so with my husband. You see I had built a life with him. We'd made plans about our future: where we'd live, what we would do. Every day--from what I'd cook, to what I'd wear involved him. He was my past, present, future. And in one day it all ended. Now, I was left looking at the differences and I realilzed I had a miscarriage and life went on. My mom died and life went on. But when you lose a husband, life still goes on, but it is a changed life and it takes a while to catch up.
That's what we're all doing: trying to catch up. Trying to figure out what this new life is. But it took decades to plan the old life. We started on the day we married. We had plenty of time to sit down and map out when and if we would have kids. How to invest money for retirement. Where to retire. How much to help our kids, etc. And we had help from our spouses every step of the way. But this new life, this unexplained life, the path we're on now--we've got to make all the decisions and we don't have years to do it.
If you have a house, got life insurance, got bills--well you don't have twenty or thirty years to decide what to do. You've got to do it fast, almost overnight. At least within a year. And they're tough decisions done without the one person that mattered most in our lives.
Suddenly it's like we're transformed into a parallel universe, a place where everything looks the same, only the person you are in this universe is alone.
It is a disconcerting feeling. You feel isolated--alone. Like there is no one to care for you. No one to love you. You go from being cherished to just another person walking through life.
The miscarriage was horrible. It happened in the sixth month and we'd made all sorts of plans. It was a new feeling for me as I'd never wanted children and had not expected to have them(just a feeling). I was devastated and thought surely nothing could be as bas as this.
My mother passed away eight years later. We were close, but I had such faith in God that I made it through.
But my husband passing away has been the hardest loss I've ever experience. Why? I asked myself. Why is this death the hardest.
And my answer: I lost everything when my husband died. You see we'd planned to grow old together. We had built a life together. We had friends that were out friends.
When I had the miscarriage, I lost a child that I had not known. He was my future.
When I lost my mother: I was an adult, independent. I hadn't made plans to retire with her, travel the world. I hadn't relied on her to do certain task around the house. I didn't expect to spend evenings, weekends, nights with her. I didn't expect to snuggle up with her at night. My mother was part of my life, but in no way did I see her as my life. And I'd spent my life knowing she'd most likely go before me.
Not so with my husband. You see I had built a life with him. We'd made plans about our future: where we'd live, what we would do. Every day--from what I'd cook, to what I'd wear involved him. He was my past, present, future. And in one day it all ended. Now, I was left looking at the differences and I realilzed I had a miscarriage and life went on. My mom died and life went on. But when you lose a husband, life still goes on, but it is a changed life and it takes a while to catch up.
That's what we're all doing: trying to catch up. Trying to figure out what this new life is. But it took decades to plan the old life. We started on the day we married. We had plenty of time to sit down and map out when and if we would have kids. How to invest money for retirement. Where to retire. How much to help our kids, etc. And we had help from our spouses every step of the way. But this new life, this unexplained life, the path we're on now--we've got to make all the decisions and we don't have years to do it.
If you have a house, got life insurance, got bills--well you don't have twenty or thirty years to decide what to do. You've got to do it fast, almost overnight. At least within a year. And they're tough decisions done without the one person that mattered most in our lives.
Suddenly it's like we're transformed into a parallel universe, a place where everything looks the same, only the person you are in this universe is alone.
It is a disconcerting feeling. You feel isolated--alone. Like there is no one to care for you. No one to love you. You go from being cherished to just another person walking through life.
Replies
You\'ve really nailed exactly what it is and why it is such a shock and so painful and hard. I\'m sure we could handle a \'parallel universe\' if only our love was with us. I hope and pray for all of us that we learn to feel comfortable and content in our new world.
l know exactly what you are saying,this parellel universe,were it seems we are surrounded by people,but so alone in this world.
Death of a spouse is the hardest thing in the world,it takes away everything we had,dreams,takes away our future,l feel as though l just blend in sometimes,like l don,t belong here,whats left for me,then l think,l can,t do anything,l just have to carry on,no matter how hard it is.
l,m sorry about the miscarriage,my grandaughter had a miscarriage last year,she did,t know at the time,but she was pregnant with twins,she lost them at four months.She always said,if one was a boy,she would call it after her grandad,we were all so upset for her,but she was so ill at the time,because she lost so much blood and had to be operated on right after to stop the bleeding,she hadn,t planned it,but it still upset her so much.
She often says that her twins are with her grandad now.take care
Alice
I feel exactly the same. The parallel universe seems so real to me. We are living a different life altogether...a life that is so lonely and sad without our loved ones. It almost doesn\'t seem real, but I know it is. Nothing could hurt this bad and not be real.
I lost my Mama 5 years ago. We were very, very close. We had went through a lot of hard times together and was always there for each other...but you are right. I never planned a future with her. I never had dreams, goals or things to try to accomplish with her. Larry and I were planning to travel as much as his health would let him, but we didn\'t even get to do that. It all ended too soon!!!
You are so right about how long we had with them...to plan, to dream, to just be with each other...so I can only imagine how long it will take for us to adjust to this new life that has been chosen for us. Making decisions without the \"backbone\" of my life has been very hard. I always stop and think about what my Larry would do...what his input would be. Even then, I don\'t know if I am making the right decision or not.
One thing\'s for sure...we have to go on. I know we do, but life will never, never be the same. We will be in the parallel universe the rest of our lives.
I wish you peace and comfort. Thanks for this entry. You captured my thoughts and put them into just the right words.
(((HUGS)))
Cathy
Its as if you have been reading my mind. An inspirational journal entry. Its odd how much we all think the same isn\'t it. I know that we are all walking the same path but as I read some of the journal enteries, I am amazed at reading my thoughts put down by someone else. May we all find some peace along our journey. I know that things get better and I hope that happens for you soon.Hugs Jane
You nailed it and to quote janalM \"it\'s as if you have been reading my mind\". This is the hardest, sadest time I have ever gone through and I cannot see what time will do except blunt the edges. Nothing will or can ever change. I will always love and miss Jim and though the world will go on with me in it....that once happy loved person that I was is just as dead and gone as Jim is. Thank you for your journal entry. Hugs, Dianne
You really did express it all so clearly. It was hard to lose my father, but he wasn\'t my everyday life. My husband and I had merged together and were living a single, shared life. Very different experience.
And you\'re also right - how horribly hard it is to make these major decisions without the person who always discussed these things and made the decisions with us.
Hugs to you.
Gail
Your words echo all the feelings floating around me.
Losing anybody we love is hard but losing our spouse is absolutely different than anything we will ever experience. We did lose the life we had and all our plans for the future. It was suddenly taken from us and we have to learn to adjust to a different life. It leaves us with a feeling of emptiness and being overwhelmed with life in general. Working through this has been the hardest thing I\'ve ever done.
Thanks for your entry. We talked about this very thing last night in my widow support group. One person said life is like a caulk board that someone can a removed every thing and now you have to write on it. This is so hard because we losted are soul-mate in life
thanks
Malia
As usual, 100% agreement from me. I am lucky to still have both parents, but have lost several family members. We lost my father in law suddenly to a heart attack. That was hard for me and harder for my husband. I also lost a baby girl, still born. Until now, that was definitely the toughest loss for me. But, you are so right. This was a baby girl who of course I loved but never got to know. My husband was my soul mate. I grew up with him, came to be the person I am with him at my side, and planned to grow old and die together in our sleep.
How do you plan for a future that you can\'t even imagine and don\'t even want?
Your journal entry about the parallel universe exactly describes how I feel also. It has been so hard w/o him, he was sick for many years & everyone says he is no longer in pain & I know his body just could not take the pain any longer. But I still feel like I will always be living a life in that parallel universe...