2nd...3rd....4th time lucky??
After coming home and thinking about things again I know that although it's going to be really hard, in a way I think the clinic is being a bit 'cruel to be kind' but I know deep down they have my best interests at heart and they just want to give me as much chance of turning things around for myself without them "throwing me another life jacket and me never learning to swim".I've decided to try something I haven't yet tried. In the past I've tried by giving total control of the food over to my Mum, or partly helping out with giving my Mum calorie advice and stuff like that but refusing to do the portioning. This time round, I'm going to take full responsibility. I'm hoping that by doing this:1) Instead of thinking about food constantly and then ending up craving a binge, I'll be thinking about the buying / preparation / cooking of the food I've planned to have.2) I'll learn to cook and portion for myself and learn to 'allow' myself the food from the word goBecause i've already been an i.p and done the groups I have all the nutritional information I need (another reason the hospital have said I wouldn't benifit from a 2nd admission - I know what to do, it's doing it). Because for the past week I've been on practically a starvation diet I thought it best to start from scratch as if I were i.p and start on their version of a 'soft diet'. This will be for 4/5 days and then I'll move on to 1/2 portions again and slowly increase depending on my weight gain. Basically I will be doing the inpatient diet programme, outside. Obviously things wont stay like this forever, it's just to get me back into simply eating again. So my diet will consist of a Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner, with 3 snacks - Morning, Afternoon and Evening. Hopefully with all 6 meals put in place (which I should have been having all along) the cravings for a binge when I do start eating again will subside pretty quickly. I remember being on this diet when I was admitted before and I ended up being too full to want the meals I was suppost to have, let alone want to binge! So hopefully that will rule out that other fear of mine.So that's it really...I'm just going to have to go for it. As for support from family I've asked my Mum to just supervise me when doing my meals at first so that I don't feel too overwhelmed and too alone with it all. I've also asked that she be tough on me...under no circumstances am I to be 'allowed' to cut a meal out, cut down a meal and so forth and Mum has already assured me she will be stricter with me this time. (Often if I was freaked out my Mum would give in and say "ok you don't have to have it") Also, in the event of a binge...I'm to be encouraged again to not restrict AT ALL and carry on as if it didn't happen. Laxatives are NOT to be used! Hopefully knowing this might also help control the urge to binge if I know that I can't get rid of it, plus I will still have to eat the rest of my meals.So all in all, I've done a lot of thinking and planning and this is what is going to happen. I've already started with dinner tonight so just have to keep it going. My head is already having spazzy moments where all I can hear is "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!???" it's going to be so bloody hard but what is the alternative!? I don't happen to be having many suicidal thoughts recently so the idea of dying before I can get 'more help' isn't appealing.Support will be HUGELY appreciated at this time and I'm going to try and use these journals again regularly with some goals set to keep the momentum going :)
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