this is the basic transcript of an email exchange between me and one of my friends today.

I have to be honest and say I have been talking to Steve alot, not minding being  friends, but always having in the back of my mind he could come back to me. But he madre sure to bash that idea and a lot of other things today...... and lonely

From me:

Ok, now I have 2 people mad at me. I want to just crawl into a hole right about now.
Peggy mad at me because of my actions toward Steve.
Steve mad at me because of my actions towards him (unaccepting of letting go).
So now I have been told by him "I don't want to hear from you again for a month". And I wish I could say he would never hear from me again.
I am sure he will make that decision for me.
Peggy who the F knows, but would probably be happy knowing
this.

Answer:

Well, I am not mad at you.

From me:
well, there is ONE.
This just sucks so much.
I wish he would at least tell me what is wrong with me in his eyes. The old "closure" thing that Brian has always spoke of. And just what made him change like he did?
I told him today it seems to me the only time he wants someone in his life is when he is in one of his depressed states. Now that he is happy and life is good for him,  he wants no involvements or commitments.
Of course that was only the original story,  until I pounded him for him to tell me if he would "never go back with me" then that just proves to me that back in January, it WAS about me and always HAS been about me.
And now that he has said it once, it has become so much easier to say again and again.
But how can I know the kind of guy NOT to look for if he won't even tell me what it is he sees as us being incompatible? Other than the fact last night he threw at me the "age thing" again, and the kid thing.
I told him I thought he didn't want to be passing on his mental problems to kids. That didn't stop  him. He "still wants  his options". Which to me is just him throwing a rock in the road that he knows I can never climb over or change.
Now I just feel like an ugly loser again.

Answer:
WOW! That is heavy stuff! I never met the guy but (and don't get mad) but I think you might be better off without him.

From me:
It just really pi$$es me off that people have no problem telling  you "its over and don't think it will ever be anything more like it was ever again", but they cannot/willnot tell you WHY, saying they "don't want to hurt you". Well that makes me believe it is something to do with me personally - boobs not big enough, butt too big, don't like my double chin (WELL NEITHER DO I!!!) or stuff like that.
He never would get over/beyond my messy clutter filled house. Instead of realizing the psych reasons that are most likely behind it, and being a kind and helpful person, KIND AND HELPFUL being the operative words, he told me he felt like I lied to him when I told  him I had been working on cleaning it up (which I had) when he was here in January. I never said it was clutter free, but I did not  realize I was on this "test" either.
And now today when I bring up all I did for him last summer/fall, and all the times I travelled down there to be with him/support him when he was down, I get "Oh and now you feel as if you are owed something". Damn right I do!!!!!!!!!

Answer:
He sounds like he has a lot of issues. But I agree with you that it is downright wrong that he won't tell you why he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
Here is my advice to you. Forget him! If he one day realizes that he misses you terribly and can't live without you he will call.

From me:
I am supposed to believe the following bull$hit-
 - I am not active enough (he mentioned going hiking. Did we ever go f-ing hiking? NO. And last year when I was down there and we were riding bikes, because I could not "race" to keep up with him, I was not "fast enough", therefore that too is another problem in my athletic ability or interest.
 - I have "money issues". Yeah, must be why I have my own house, and somehow manage to scrape by month to month.
 - I like to shop and would "spend all his money". First of all yes, I do. Second of all, it is a  hell of a lot different when you know there are 2 people together. I am sure I would not be shopping half as much, as a lot of that is psych too, because I am so pi$$ed off and depressed.
- we come from "different backgrounds". Like he is some elite person and I am a friggin welfare case. That didn't seem to matter when he was sucking up my support last summer, whether I came from the "same background" or not.
- Oh and the big one - this is the biggest load of bull$hit that I was somehow supposed to figure this all out from. This continues to be his big "explanation" that I am supposed to somehow understand. "It just isn't working for me".
What the F is that supposed to mean?????? Just a load of stinking air if you ask me.

Oh but now that he has "gotten rid of me" his head is just oh so clear and he is sailing thru his grad school classes (probably because Daddy keeps telling him not to worry about money, he doesn't have to work.)
Who WOULDN'T be able to  handle classes if they didn't have to work as well?

Oh and Daddy is giving him all kinds of "contacts" within the VA so that when all is said and done, he will be assured of a job "somewhere". He hopes (this week this is where) in Birmingham AL, yes, the place where there is just so much to do, and he will be meeting so many new people! And while he is there and working in this big job at the VA, guess what? He is going to be going to school at night as well! Law school!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer:
I'll say it one more time. He has too many issues for you to be bothering with him.
Now I am really going to make your day. Brian sent me an e-mail that he wanted to have everyone over - Pita et al - including you because you and Tommyboy need to kiss and make up.

From me:
You just got me laughing out loud in an almost completely empty office! (today is the ISS picnic which is usually boring to begin with. I usually hang around with Goran, but he and his daughter left for a 3 week European vacation yesterday!!)
But honestly, why do we need to kiss and make up? We have been thru that $hit several times.
 
Honestly though, I was so taken aback today, when he was treating me the way he did. When he (see, he is now the "controller" of my interactions with him, so he says) told me he was done talking to me today, and I still  had more to say (but to him it was the SOS of course, and not going to change anything) and I was so bold to call him again, he told me that he was one step away from blocking my number and no longer taking my calls. Can you imagine? WTF???? Just because I want some answers that are more than self serving BS????????????
SO then I got told he does not want to hear from me for a month, and I almost feel like changing my OWN phone number and saying to him the big "Go F yourself" mr Mental Health now.
If you could have seen his pathetic a$$ last year at this time.
Yep, welcome to Bipolor country. Now THIS is what he calls happy and healthy. I call it honestly vergiing on if not already MANIC (but that is another thing that was wrong with me, I was always trying to diagnose  him). Guess he doesn't like to have people point out (especially me) what is "in the middle normal" and what is not.
And now just because he has gotten all A's in his classes and one of his professors has asked him why he never became a lawyer, this is  just more "proof" for him that this behavior is normal.
My GOD the person I would really like to speak with is his mother. But she has enough of her own problems, what with her idiot husband divorcing her. I can imagine the BS reasons he has given as well. You know, the whole $ex thing. After 39 years. And building a new vacation home together.
I think his father is just as manic and F-d up as Steve is, and the 2 of them feed off each other.


Answer:
I am glad I could make you laugh a little. But seriously, forget the dude. He sounds like a real wacko. What is he going to school for? I thought it was for nursing?


From Me:
Oh John, nursing was soooooo last year. He was "not cut out" for nursing.
When he first started back to classes last summer/fall, I remember him calling in and saying he wasn't going to be in one of the first days of class. SO he got behind the 8 ball quite early on.

He made up for it somewhat.
 He didn't do very well in his clinincal practice however, and even though in the end he took the final and they ended up passing him on for the next semester,  he did not go back to it.

Instead, at the beginning of the  year, he had this tremendous "awakening"  (thanks to his "life coach/counselor") that he was meant to be involved with public health administration and health care policy, and have "one or more advanced degrees".

Now keep in mind, both of his parents are MDs. His mother has retired. She did work for the VA as did his father, but his father is still working elsewhere.

SO now he is working on TWO masters degress (MBA and MPH) as well as now thinking to get "where he wants to  be at the level he wants to be at) he has to go to law school. That is the only way he will get the kind of job he wants where he sees himself travelling around the country going to conferences and stuff, and making the 6 figure income.

I swear to GOD he thinks and truly believes that such a job exists where you are never in an office, where all  you do is go around to different places, to meetings and seminars, and meeting new people all the time.

Thus, this is why he cannot be tied down to such a loser like me, because who KNOWS who he is going to meet, and who KNOWS who he is going to want to sleep with along the way. And it is going to be YEARS before he wants to have to "answer to or concern himself with" anyone elses needs, and anyway, even when that time comes, it SURELY will not be ME he would choose to be with. Because we all know how horrible I am don't we? I told you all about what I know he would share with me as being "wrong" with me. Isn't it so obvious??????

Answer:
What a load of crap

From me:
Now you know why I am so F-ing PO'd and feel I deserve some real answers.
 
 And not this BS "I've said all I can say, you know how I feel, I am done talking about it. And if you continue to pressure me, I will block you from my cell phone". SO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU FOR A MONTH BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE ME SO ANGRY I AM YELLING AND THAT WILL BE MY NEXT STEP!!!

From Me:
Oh yes, and not to mention the Christmas card with the words "I'm so very glad I met you" written on it!!!!!!!!!! Is it any wonder I am not in the looney bin with all this mixed message stuff???
But now, he is oh so "clear".
"I can't be any clearer. I will never be with you again."


From Me:
Oh yes, "what purpose would it serve, other than to hurt me?" if he told me what he really meant by all the smoke and mirrors.
Which tells me whatever it is is pretty damn base for his reasons. Or very personal to me.
Yep, this is the same person that called me nearly every day for those 7 months we were together.
Oh yeah, and if this adds any "clarity", when he left my place in Jan, I brought him to the airport so he could go and visit his friend down in FL.
One Sat while he was there, he called me. Left msg. I returned his call, and one of the things he said about his friends GF is "yeah, she's a keeper".
My response was "And I'm not??"
Well, that got him all bent out of shape, and it was shortly after he returned back to MD he called to say he "didn't want a girlfriend anymore".
Isn't this all just making so much OBVIOUS SENSE to  you, because it certainly is supposed to!!!!

From Me:
Oh yeah, and something else....
"it's timing. It's just timing. We are at different places in our lives". has been another reason thrown at me
Ok, so say we are right now.
5 yrs from now, I don't think so.
Thats when he had to throw the "kid boulder" into the road.
He has done everything to show me that more than anything else, he is scared, and is doing anything he can to build up this great big stinking wall of BS to protect himself from having to make a scary commitment.

Answer:
I would say everything you are saying is right on the money.

From me:
I think I am going to have to print all this stuff out I  have said to you and go to my counselor and have a little talk.
Oh yes, that is yet another thing.

He doesn't believe this counselor I have been seeing has helped me, says  I need a new one, and I need to learn how to accept the fact that it is "over and never will be again" between us. (for reasons he will not give me an honest answer on, hence the big bad fear boulder getting thrown in the road.)
And for HIS fear, I get the punishment, instead of him just being honest with BOTH of us, and admitting what the real problem is!!!!!!

From me:
I guess to me (stupid person that I seem to be in his eyes) it doesn't make any sense at all that it can go from good to oh so bad, with no reason other than "it just isn't working for me".

But then "I just don't want a girlfriend, ANY girlfriend".

And the reason he won't tell me any better reason that makes any valid sense? Because THERE IS NONE.

And he is playing his own passive/aggressive game by telling me how if he "told me any reason like that, it would "serve no valid purpose other than to hurt me", and he "doesn't want to hurt me".
WELL  HE ALREADY HAS SO WHAT IS THE REASON FOR NOT JUST SPITTING OUT THE TRUTH? Is he protecting me or himself?????? And him not telling me and being honest is more hurtful than driving me nuts, and then pulling this control $hit, with "I don't want to hear from you for a month now".


 So does that mean there does exist a reason, or there doesn't?????? I don't know anymore, all I know is my damn head is spinning off my neck.

Answer:
I know it is killing you that he hasn't told you what you think is the real reason he "dumped" you but you are going to drive yourself crazy with it.
You know what send him a nice long letter and tell him that you are not satisfied with his explanation.

From Me:
That isn't going to do a thing except alienate him even more if that is possible. In his mind it is all neat and clean and tidily wrapped up with a bow.
Oh, and did you know...I didn't until he told me this is how it is.....once you break up with someone, you are never to reminisce about the good times with them, or even acknowledge anniversaries of important dates. They don't matter anymore, all  in the past, not to be talked fondly of.
Did you realize that???? Or is it just me that is so totally clueless in this regard?

Answer:
Mo, Mo, Mo, that is a sign of a person who doesn't want to think of things that were happy events in his life because he is afraid he will find out he has made a mistake.

From me:
That's the thinking of a "normal person".
This is his explanation:
Last year was a very bad time in my life, I was in a very bad place mentally. I don't like to think of those days. I am past that, this is a new time. This is a new me. I am glad that you were there, I am not saying I don't appreciate that, but thinking about those times and acknowleging them or dwelling on them isn't going to help you forget/get over me is it?" (turning it all around, see. Talking about it and remembering how nice they were is bad for ME and works against ME, not HIM.) He is all happy, found his true calling, he  has no reason to think about or dwell on the past. The past is the past, he is not going backwards.
(God I wish I knew HIS counselors name, so I could send HER this transcript!!)

From me:
Oh yes, and another thing that is one of his favorite things is how he can't control me,  he can only control himself. And therefore he will make the choices of what the boundaries are going to be, and if I don't "respect his boundaries" (such as I showed  him I was not this morning) I am not a very respectful person or friend.

Answer:
Here's the thing and I hope you don't get hurt by this. What he is saying is that you helped him through a rough patch and now that he is through it,  he wants to forget about it and move on. This includes leaving you behind too. I know it hurts you that he did this. He really did use you. I truly believe that is the best for you to let him go.

From me:
Well if he WASN'T using me, the attitude he has adopted as his own certainly makes it seem as if he did.
Oh yes, he "cared deeply" about me,  up until January.
He used to tell me how he "adored" me. What a load of happy horse$hit I guess that all was....

Oh if I said that to him, and called him a B and an AH he would say how he isn't he is a NICE GUY, how there is nothing particularly special about him.
And oh no he was NOT using me! (but if he wasn't, now that the GOOD TIMES are here, wouldn't he still want me around? Oh wait, he does, but only as a friend, and only under HIS TERMS of what that means)