I wish I could be alone all the time. I feel so depressed, I hate my boyfriend for making me feel this way. It sounds silly, but he has gone out three nights in a row with his friends and tonight I asked if I could come and join him on a night out and he said no, he wanted to have a boys night. I know it sounds really gay and 'girlfriendy' but it did upset me a lot. I'm worried he's just going to go out drinking every night and never spend time with me. (but this is catastrophic, absolubte thinking)I want to finish it with him because I am so angry, but I know thats my bpd not being able to fit all my emotions inside of me, and pushing the good thoughts and feelings out so that I am just full of bad.I am furious that he would go out with his friends and leave me in the house on my own when he knows how upset I am. Part of me wants to self harm, but a small part of me doesn't want to be that manipulative.At the moment I feel like I have no friends and no one likes me, I know this is not technically true, but I still feel it. It doesn't need to be technically true, I'm not one for technical details.I need my boyfriend. I'm having a hard time at the moment. I'm always having a hard time I guess. I hate it that I'm this fucking nuts girlfriend. Do normal girlfriends get upset about this stuff? Yes. Do they think about ending the relationship and killing themselves? No.Hyper sensetive. Whenever I get this upset he never seems to be around. Because of Seb, I hate it when people don't answer the phone, it severely agitates me, so guess what, I have 10 missed calls off of my boyfriend. Its the only way I know how to punish him.I do feel like self harming would be a good idea right now. But I promise I wont.