I found this post in "physical and emotional abuse" extremely helpful so I thought I would write it in here so I don't lose it and record some thoughts as to what I'm thinking right now so they don't get distorted.  Myth 1: It's because he was abused as a child. Truth: In a study done of abusers, 61% stated they were abused in childhood. When attached to a lie detector, less than 29% actually had been abused. Fact: An abuse may embelish his childhood suffering once he discovers it helps him escape responsibility for his actions. Seb always told me that his mom and dad were the most abusive people in the world and he said on our first date "I have had the worst childhood ever" even though he never spoke about it directly, and I'm not sure weather what he did tell me was true. I think he may have been abused more than he let on in some ways.Myth 2: He had a previous partner who mistreated him terribly. Truth: When most abusers claim this, the behaviors they attribute to their ex are most often THEIR own. Fact: An abuser can mistreat partner after partner in relationships, each time believing that the problems are all the women's fault and that he is the real victim. Always check the story out with the former partner. He had no girlfriends before me, he had a non- serious one who he insisted tried to trap him into a relationship by getting pregnant on purpose and had to get an abortion. What I do know is he told everybody how "fucked up" I was when we broke up, he made out like I was this really bad crazy person. Which upset me a lot because I beleived it and thought it was all my fault.Myth 3: He's abusive because he feels strongly about me. Truth: Although our feelings can influence how we wish to act, our CHOICES are determined by our attitudes and beliefs. This is why when YOU are going through strong emotions, you choose a different emotional outlet other than abuse. I always thought he was abusive because he was so "passionate" and because we loved each other more than other people did, then our fights would be worse as a result.Myth 4: He holds his feelings in too much and they build up until he bursts. Truth: Abusers have an exaggerated sense of how important their feelings are, and they act them out and talk them out all the time, until their partners and children are exhausted from hearing about it all. When he feels bad he feels life should stop for everyone else until someone fixes his discomfort. Fact: Their inner world is all that matters. The mounting tension is actually driven by his LACK of empathy for your feelings and regular marriage, individual, or couples counseling just feeds his feeling of importance. Myth 5: He has a violent, explosive personality. Truth: Abusers are fairly calm in all dealings other than with their partner. Fact: Sometimes the more educated an abuser, the more knots he can tie in a woman's brain, the better he is at getting her to blame herself, and the slicker is his ability to persuade other people she's crazy Myth 6: He loses control of himself. Truth: He only breaks your stuff and is only out of control when it won't embarrass him. If he were trully remorseful he would help clean up. An abuser may 'go wild' but never truly forgets his limits. Fact: An abuser almost never does anything he considers morally unacceptable. His core problem is a distorted sense of right and wrong. The abuser's problem lies in his belief that he is justified in controlling or abusing his partner. Myth 7: He's too angry, needs anger management Truth: Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury. The abuser's anger can DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION FROM ALL THE DISRESPECT, IRRESPONSIBILITY, TALKING OVER YOU, LYING, AND OTHER ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS that he exhibits even at times when he isn't especially upset. Fact: His most intimidating form of abuse may come out when he's angry, but his deeper pattern of control is operating ALL the time. Myth 8: He's crazy. Truth: Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology. A man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily to intimate relationships is an abuser. Fact: Abusers don't like to be medicated because they are too selfish to put up with the side effects. No medication has been discovered that can turn an abuser into a loving, considerate, appropriate partner Myth 9: He hates women Truth: Disrespect for women certainly is rampant among abusive men. Attitude that their partners should cater to their needs and are not worthy of being taken seriously carries even to their own daughters and is passed on to their sons through modeling. Fact: The great majority of abusive men have a sense of superiority or contempt towards females and don't show any obvious signs of problems with women until they are in a serious relationship. Myth 10: He is afraid of intimacy and abondonment. Truth: Abusive men are often jealous and possessive, and their coercive and destructive behaviors can escalate when their partners attempt to break up with them. Fact: Most abusive men have their worst incidents after a period of tension - not closeness, so their fear of intimacy was never triggered from a psychological stand point. he was the most jealous person I've ever met. He accused me of sleeping with people if I just spoke to them, I was dumped for "cheating on him" twice. He hated me seeing my ex boyfriend even though we had been good friends for years. He did not like me spending time with my friends without him, in fact, he told me that all my friends hated me and I was better off only spending time with him.Myth 11: He suffers from low self-esteem Truth: An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands. He never reaches a point where he is satisfied, where he has beengiven enough. He gets used to the luxurious treatment he is receiving and soon escalates his demands. Fact: Abusers like this myth because it gets them more sympathy with their partner, therapist, and others. Myth 12: His boss abuses him/Stress at work Truth: I have never once had a client whose behavior at home has improved because of a job change. one particularly rough time was blamed on the stress of having a certain job and money problems. I was told to excuse him for it so I did.Myth 13: He has poor communication skills Truth: An abusive man is not UNABLE to resolve conflict. He is UNWILLING to do so. Abusers have normal abilities to resolve conflict when they CHOOSE to use them (work, public, with extended family). They DON'T WANT to handle these kinds of issues nonabusively when it involves their partners. Myth 14: There are just as many abusive women as abusive men Truth: Abusive men commonly like to play the role of victim and most men who claim to be 'battered' are actually the perpetrators of violence, not the victim. All the times I had physically hit or pushed him were after incidents when he had done so to me, it became acceptable to slap him because he made it acceptable for him to do so for me. I do not touch my current boyfriend in anger.Myth 15: Abuse is as bad for the man who is doing it as it is for his partner. Truth: Abusers actually benefit from their controlling behavior. They don't experience emotional or physical pain, loss of freedom, self-blame, etc. He'd always say he couldnt be with me because it hurt him so much to be mean to me and I made him turn into a monster and he hated being that person.Myth 16: He is abusive because he has faced so much social discrimination Truth: Majority of abusers are white. Second, being exposed to abuse would make him MORE empathetic to the pain he's causing, not less. Myth 17: The alcohol (substance of choice) makes him abuse. Truth: Alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one. The only way an abuser can overcome his abusiveness is to deal with his abusiveness. You are not 'enabling' your partner to mistreat you, he is entirely responsibl for his own actions. Truth: He wants to pluck your view of reality out of your head and replace it with his. Realities: 1) He is controlling 2) He feels entitled 3) He twists things into their opposites 4) He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her 5) He confuses love and abuse 6) He is manipulative 7) He strives to have a good public image 8) He feels justified in abusing his partner 9) Abusers deny and minimize their abuse 10) Abusers are possessive Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control. Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusers cannot change UNLESS they overcome their core of disrespect toward their partners. Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. Abusers are UNWILLING to be nonabuse, not UNABLE You are not crazy This makes me feel a lot better, it justifies how I thought deep down that it was me that was "crazy" and "manipulative" and all the other names he used to call me. In a stange way I feel better, like ive exorcized something.