Well I guess I'm ready for this.This last couple of years have been hard and alot of changes in our family. Anthony graudated in 2004 and started going to ITT tech for computers. Well it didn't work out and after a year he switch over to Tenn Technology. He liked it better. Joey was doing good in school and because I was having problems with getting him to the bus for school he decided it was time to drive after Ralph teaching him and he passed on the first time. He already had his truck so I didn't have to worry about him getting to school. Joey did have a fender bender one week after he got his license but nothing big. Anthony started dating Nikki in 2005 I think and March 2006 they got married. She became homeless months before they married and she stayed with him. I didn't like the idea but it happen. Our rule was that they had to sleep in separate beds. If they did was the question. They did have sex once before they got married that I know of and they both were going to church and I do believe that they felt guilty and waited until they got married. Mom wasn't to thrill about her moving in but things didn't go as plan. She was suppose to have the room downstairs but it was never clean out for her. Well they still live in the apartment. Anthony graduated from school in Dec 2006 and looking for work. For some reason he hasn't been able to find a job. This is getting very fustrating. Joey did well in school and driving was a breeze to him. Me an him went to the grocery store on Fridays for a long time and there were times that he went on his own and got groceries for the family. I felt guilty that he went without me but during this time I was getting very depress watching Ralph getting sickier and the gov taking there time to decide that he was really disable and couldn't work.I was taking methadone at this time the max amount and I still was having break through pain and then I took Loratab. Ralph was depress to and I talk him into going to the pain clinic. I thought it would be good for him. Most my depression was from worrying about him and not able to do anything for him. I was seeing also a psycologist at the pain clinic and it help I thought and I was put on a anti depressant. Ralph join the pain clinic and saw the same psychologist I did. He then let it known that he try to commit suicide and he didn't tell me because he thought I would lose it. When I did find out about it I was angry not at what he almost did but the fact he didn't tell me. Well in around Sept 2006 a new pain med came out and the doc decided to put me on it because the methadone stop working. I took the med and thought I did okay or more talk myself into that I was doing ok. The group I started in Feb the friends we talk almost every day. My friend try to talk me into trying a different med but I told her I was okay. Well I wasn't okay. Ralp's doc put him on a sleeping med that u take at 10 at night and then take more at 3am. Well I thought it was stupid to take a med like that and I was very angry about this subject. I call his doc stupid and he said no he like the med. He was taking to much of the med because one night he fell while I tried to get him into bed and another night I had problems getting him out of the bathroom and had to call Anthony for help. So I was real angry and he promise to take less of the med and it did help with falling asleep and falling but he still took it. Between Jan 2005 until April 2007 we lived on my pay check, this included a VA disability check and a Social security disability check. Nikki Anthony wife went throug a couple of jobs until she snag a job at a new walmart in Feb 2007 and it took 6 months to get insurance and then they had to pay a 1000 dollar deductable. So more bills because she was going to the doctor alot for headaches. The week of Thanksgiving of 2006 on Monday Ralph went to see his doc and I ask him to see about getting a different sleep medicine well he didn't and I was angry and took off in the van. I rode up into the mountains and every bridge I pass I thought about running off the road but then I thought about Ralph and the kids. Well I went home finally and talk to Ralph and cried and Tuesday and Wednesday I cried. Thanksgiving was a good day with family and I thought everything would be okay but then Friday I cried. I cried for mom and she came to see me. I was upset because I felt mom was judging me about how we did at our house about meals and housework. I blame her that she didn't like it and thought I was wrong and bad. Well we talk and everything seem to do okay and then Saturday it hit the fan. Ralph had to call my friend and she talk me into going to the ER to get admitted. We didn't know if Blount Memorial had a mental ward but Ralph drove me there and I was put into a room I couldn't get out of. They took blood and ask alot of questions. I then talk to someone from the emotional health ward and they ask if I wanted to be admitted and I said yes. So they took me to the lock up ward and I didn't even get to say goodbye to Ralph because they had strict rules. I spent 9 days on the ward and went through alot of therapy and talk to alot of people. I met people that became good friends and we played games during our free time. I did do some writing and realize what I did was wrong and I got to feeling better. The doc took me off the new med I was on and said that I had a bad reaction to the med and it cause the depression and suicidal thoughts. I told them the thoughts were there but I wouldn't do it because of Ralph and my boys. After the 9 days in the hospital and not being able to see the boys and Ralph except on wed and sunday I was ready to get out. I didn't have any withdrawl symptoms which suprise everyone and I was happy. I sign up for the outpatient emotional rehab and started it dec 5 on Monday and graduated on the 29th of december. I was happy to get out but then I would miss some of it. Therapy sessions all day from 9 til 330 and I had the county van pick me up and I didn't have to drive. The very first day went ok except I had to do a drug test and couldn't pee and that cause alot of problems. Art therapy was my favorite time and the therapist was a comedian and everyone like him. The other therapis was good also. I learnt alot about myself and learn how to deal with stuff better. Because of the drugs I was label a addict and they recommend to go to NA meetings. Well there wasn't a NA I could go to at the right time so I went to AA meeting and been going every since. Ralph got his social security check in April and money problems is almost gone. The back pay check went real quick and we had to borrow money from mom to get our house work on. In 2003 I try to get more money from VA. Because of my stomach tumor they gave me 100% and with the backpay check we built Joey another room. A kitchen, bath and bedroom but because Ralph got sick we never finished son now we waiting for Ralph's friend to come finish it.So now before winter he is suppose to come finish and we getting siding on the house to. Anthony still doesn't have a job. ughhhhh Nikki is doing okay at wal-mart. I started going to aftercare twice a week this was a support group for people going through rehabe at Blount. So now I go to Aftercare and go to AA. It will be a year on November 27th. In june we had a reunion for rehabors and it was nice. In June I started talking to my friend Rhonda I lost contact with her because she went into a shelter in Houston. We met each other on the net in 2004. We started talking on the phone alot and I introduce her to my friends on the support group. Well things seem to go ok and my friends go upset with me in the chat room because they said I didn't talk. Well I try harder and no matter how hard I try they seem to keep saying I didn't talk and didn't act like a manager and co owner. I kept talking to Rhonda alot and everything seem to slowly fall apart. We had are get together in August and things seem okay. Mom didn't particularly like my friends because of their foul language and it surprise me because one claim to be a christian. So we spent 10 days together and mom took me home. The trip was really good and I miss my friends but I still didn't seem to please them after we got home. I talk to Rhonda more and to them less. Well in October it came to head one of them didn't want Rhonda in chat room and called her a idiot this was after Rhonda started having financial problems and Alex her grandson was having problems at school and they plan to move into our house and let Alex go to Joey's school. Well this person apologize but I did leave the chat room and others felt I blame them to so everything seem to go downhill. So one day they had a meeting a decided to put me as member for 45 days well I was upset but agreed. Well things got worse after that and I had my say and it wasn't good. So now because of what happen I'm now not a member of the group no more. I felt that one person wanted me out so she could own the group and I let them have it. Another friend got fed up with them and quit to. So we started a new group. Rhonda came on the 9th of November and things got rough at first with money problems but eveything got better and better. Rhonda is great and she cooks which I hate. I don't mind cleaning. Alex whines and acts more 10 then 13 but he's getting better. We clean out the junk room and they sleep in there with air matresses and they didn't bring alot of stuff. We clean up the den and put my tub for the bathroom in our bedroom. Got a desk from mom and set up Joey's computer and so now Rhonda has a place for her computer. She did give me some money on the 1st to help pay expense and she had the money for Alex school tuition. So now it down to in January I wasn't feeling good so I went to the doc in March and had a Urinary tract infection and then went again a month later and had another so they I went to a urologist and he sent me to knoxville to have a test and during all this time I had to wear pads because I was leaking. Well I had the test done and found no tumor but a big bladder so now I have to train myself to go every two hours and shrink the bladder. I also had a lump on my bad leg and had a mri done and it was no tumor but backup of blood. Blood was getting to my foot but not back up to my heart. So now I have more med to take for the urinary problem. I also started taking meds from rehab for sleep and pain that wasn't narcs. I haven't took no pain meds unless it was prescribe. During rehab I broke a took so I had it pulled and a week later I broke another and had it pulled. Well after rehab I went to get my teeth clean and found out I had 15 cavities so after alot of kissing butt we got the VA okay and the dentist filled the cavities throughout this year. He also had to pulled another tooth. So now its November and I have one more appt. to finish a filling and thank God I don't have to pay. The dentist did give me a script for tylenol 3 and I gave it to my doctor in rehab and the next visit I explain to the dentist that I was a addict. Well this last few months I have had lots of headaches and the nerologist gave me a drug that the rehab doc says addicting so we had a long talk in aftercare about meds and addiction and I told them in some ways I believe I'm a addict but I have no feeling wanting to take drugs. No desire. So I took the med but it didn't do nothing for the headaches so I don't take them no more. So now its Monday and Rhonda is wanting to get her account from Texas bank transfer here. So that is what we going to do today. Thursday the school is having a auction to raise money for the school. Mom is going with us. Mom didn't like the idea of Rhonda and Alex moving in but now since its been almost a month she hasn't met her but I told her things were going good. For the last month two boys from the neighborhood Ralph hook up with wanted to go hunting. So Ralph has been busy and off the couch. Even though he's busy and hunting still doesn't mean he can work. He does have his good days and bad. But its nice to see him off the couch. Well I guess I talk enough and fill everyone's head full of my problems. I can't wait until I get into my whirlpool tub it will be nice and soon I hope. So talk later thanks for reading. LoveRobin