Feeling sad today ... so I guess Ill write something.  Never thought I could be so lonely with someone around.  At least I have my son, he is the best!Again soccer game this last Sunday... it was a mud bowl spectacular!  Rain... mud... and all that good stuff.  I had to kid around with my son - I said "AHHH you got your very first yellow card today" LOL... it was so slippery that he lost his footing and his long legs kicked a kid when he went down on his butt.  Why he got yellow carded I dont know... he had been kicked in the shins when he had the ball I dont know how many times! Ah well thats the way it is. I could see him out there esp. this one time- this kid kicked him SO hard and of course played it off like it didnt hurt but I knew it had too! We have even had coaches of the opposite team tell their kids no matter what... play rough as you can push, do whatever you can. The coach last game was screaming from the sidelines "demolish the goal!! DEMOLISH!!  Takes some of the fun out of it these assholes. When I got to the field it started raining even harder... Dont know why my H wont even share an umbrella with me.  I mean c'mon we can sit that close for one hour cant we?  Idid actually say ... why wont you share an unbrealla with me? He said Oh its just that its easier... I said its okay- whatever.  For me its NOT about easier etc - why cant we ever be together in some way? Its just sharing the same blanket or umbrella. Oh well, I dont know -I feel so lonely all the time. I have no idea what kinds of conversations he has with her everday.   I DO know he tells her that he loves her -  but he doesnt say that to me- not for years.  Thats ok really... why are we staying together like this- he cant be happy...Im not happy.  Give it one more year ( empty nest then)  and we can do what we need to do.  Blah weather here.. I get so tired of this gloomy stuff.  Cloudy and cloudy and Blah. I wish I lived someplace sunny.  I could move to Az near my dad but H doesnt like HOT weather. I do.  I LOVE the desert.  Have been a few times to visit and it great- beautiful. It was only about 105 degrees that day and it felt so good.  H napped the whole day and said its too hot and he hated it.  Not everyone likes hot weather... I understand that... but it would take moving mountains to get him to go visit there.  One time (now I remember ) I went with my sister because he wouldnt go.  I would call and he would give me the cold shoulder ( he knows I would hate to go on a trip when we arent on good terms) and I felt sad the whole time- he knew that would bother me. I also dont like to go to bed angry and would always ask that if we had any differences  ( we really never have fought at all) we would talk and go to bed on a good note.  Well we quit doing that YEARS ago because it doenst bother him....he can go right to sleep NO problem!  Communication -NIL. I wonder sometimes... about how men are... I got married SO young... thats fine of course IF it works out.   Is the man that Im supposed to be with ...out there... and here I am wasting my time not being loved by the man that I AM with ????   How do I know what mrs (shes married too so he said) internet love and H are planning for the future? Who knows.. Ididnt even think he would do ANYTHING like that in the first place -so its anybodys  guess.  I had so much for respect for him .  I HAD.Going to go feed the troops ( H is at work) son and dog ( my dog looks like he has little porkchops dancin in his eyes or something ) are hungry.I hope tomorrows better.