29 Years Old and Hospitalized for First Severe Manic Episode
My heart felt heavy because I wanted to talk to my mother. I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and my mother and I weren't speaking. I was hoping she would visit but I suppose she had been too hurt to see me. We had exchanged harsh words months before I delivered baby Jessica. This was my mother's third grandchild and I wanted her to be there, to help me get through it, as a mother should. Jessica was asleep and I decided to phone my mother from the hospital. "Hello," she said. She sounded a bit annoyed but curious still. "Hey Mom, I just had the baby." "Yeah, I know. Your sisters told me." To me, at that moment, I thought she sounded so cold. I wanted to ask her why she didn't come visit her granddaughter. "Well, I just wanted to hear your voice, that's all!" I yelled. I hung up after being so brash. I was hurting and I wept in my hospital bed. I felt pathetic, like a sick child. I needed her. I needed for her to run her hands through my tangled hair. I still loved her so and I needed her presence. Three Months Later I couldn't sleep. The baby wasn't exactly sleeping through the night so I sure was awake a lot. I changed her diapers and nursed her to sleep. It was a simple cycle. I felt so needed and excited to have a third child, but also very exhausted. I stayed up late at night, happy to be needed. I was enthralled at being an infant's mother again. I loved knowing my baby needed me. I started thinking of my mother again. I remembered my childhood and how close we were. She would embrace me a whole lot, kiss my cheeks, and smell my newly washed hair. She made me laugh. I needed her to be a part of my life again. Jessica was three months old and her grandmother still hadn't met her. I remember when my mother helped me through labor with my first child Nathaniel. She gently rubbed my back and braided my hair so it would be out of my face. I felt so safe having her there with me. My mother-in-law was there too but having my own mother there was special. I started to weep again. I missed her so much. I decided I would call her but I wasn't sure about what I would say exactly. "Mom." My voice was trembling. "Yeah?" "I miss you so much. I'm sorry it's been so long but I really miss you." We didn't talk for very long but decided we'd see each other soon. Before seeing my mother, I was contemplating using birth control pills. What I should've done was have a tubal ligation while I was in the hospital having Jessica, my third and final child. My husband Jeremy was against it as he was a bit scared of the procedure. He kept telling me that he would get a vasectomy soon. Still, I did not want to get pregnant ever again. Jessica made our little family complete. My husband, me, Nathaniel, Nicholas, and Jessica. My special little family. We would always stick together. I had never heard of this particular brand of birth control before but I can tell you that it had the hormones estrogen and progesterone. I left a message for my doctor, making sure it would be OK to take since I was breastfeeding. He asked if I wanted to take a different pill, perhaps with fewer hormones. I told him as long as he thought this was all right while nursing, I would go on with it. He told me to monitor myself and make sure I was producing enough milk for the baby. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription I requested for the generic medication as it would save me a little money. They asked me if I had ever taken this medication and if I would like to talk with the pharmacist. I agreed. The pharmacist was a very stern looking Asian woman, Chinese I think. Her hair was straight and short and went just a little past her ears. She wore glasses and the official white medical coat. She explained how to use the pills. Blah blah blah. I asked her, "Are the side effects of this generic brand the same as the name brand?" The bitch's nostrils flared and pursed her lips. "The side effects are the SAME!" Wow. I was shocked at how rude she was. I didn't bother thanking her. I crumpled the paper bag with the pills in it and walked away very frustrated and very concerned. A Daughter's Visit A few days later, I started taking the pills. I decided to surprise my mother with a visit from me and my three kids. At the time, my oldest son Nathaniel was almost seven years old and my second child Nicholas had just turned three. Jessica was three months old. I was feeling very emotional. I hadn't slept very well but my body felt OK. I was pretty energetic actually. My allergies were bothering me and for some reason, the pseudoephedrine made me feel better all around. I was feeling on top of the world. I would see my mother and she would finally meet the granddaughter she always hoped for. My 18-year-old sister and I kept texting each other. My mother was with her running errands. After I bought her favorite dark chocolate chip truffles at See's Candies, my sister filled me in on their next stop. I would see my mom at Starbucks. I was driving towards Starbucks very excited. I really needed my mother in my life. I walked into Starbucks with the double stroller and my mom's back was turned. She was drinking coffee and talking to my sister. My sister gestured for her to turn around and she did. I started to cry. I was so happy to see her beautiful face. I hadn't seen her in several months. Jessica was sitting innocently in her stroller, kicking her legs and drooling. She wore a purple one-piece pajama like outfit. Purple was my mother's favorite color. My mother looked at her granddaughter and smiled so big. "She looks like you," she said. Tears filled my eyes and dripped quickly down my face, I could feel people staring and I didn't care. My mother tried hard not to cry but I could feel her relief of seeing us. I was sure she missed me and wanted to see her new grandchild. I was ecstatic. Paranoia My husband Jeremy was taking anti-depressants for his own issues. He was having a lot of trouble at work. He was given more to do, difficult tasks he thought he couldn't handle. He felt so much pressure. He knew he had to take care of his family and having a third child made him feel as though he was failing us. The truth was that he was a walking zombie because of the medication and he would even admit that today. He thought he needed the medication so he continued with the pills. At the time, I was in denial about him being so distant, so numb. In the evening, he told me that he had run out of medicine and that he needed me to get a refill for him. I agreed to go to the pharmacy and he was relieved. I even agreed to take Nathaniel and Jessie. At the pharmacy, I felt super alert. I felt like everything around me was a blur as I honed in on my son Nathaniel. He was organizing products on a shelf, facing them to look nice and symmetrical. He looked at me and gave me an innocent smile. He sat back down with me and said he wasn't feeling well. "When we get home, you want me to make you some warm Ovaltine?" I asked. He nodded and smiled. He noticed a man from the cleaning staff. "Mommy, that man is looking at you," he said. I told him not to worry about it, I picked up my husband's prescription and we walked out of the pharmacy. The man smiled at me and looked at Jessica. He asked how old she was and I smiled and told him she was three months old. He said he had a granddaughter that was born on a particular day. Not even thinking about it, I said, "That's a good number." He gave me a puzzled look and my kids and I walked out of the building and into the parking lot. It was the weirdest thing but thinking back on it, it wasn't what I said but how I said it. The man was probably turned off by my bubbly attitude. Perhaps, I came on too strong, overly friendly and comfortable with him, a complete stranger. I felt so high, like I could accomplish so much. I felt ambitious and was looking forward to going home, to be a mommy again to the baby. I put the boys to bed and Jessica and I hung out in the living room. I watched television and watched a lot of it. It was getting late, but still, I watched it like an addict. I didn't even pay attention to the program and I was enjoying the euphoric feeling. I was alive and I was a mother to an infant. She needed me and I was to stay up and pull an all-nighter. I've pulled all-nighters before. I used to stay up all night, studying for tests in college. As a mother, I pulled all-nighters to clean my kitchen, Jeremy came out of the bedroom and I think it was like 1 AM. "You need to go to sleep honey. Remember, you're a mom." The nerve of him. I thought that was a silly thing to say and it made me want to stay up even later. I don't even know if I slept. I was up at 6 AM, ready to take Nathaniel to first grade. My mother had called for some reason and I told her that Nathaniel wasn't feeling well. She convinced me that he was probably faking and to take him to school any way. I listened to her and didn't even bother taking Nathaniel's temperature. But by the time I got everybody ready, we were running late. I felt so nervous. He was going to be thirty minutes late to class. I was so embarrassed and scared at the same time. For some reason, I was paranoid to leave the apartment. Then I realized that I was afraid that somebody was going to take my children away, just snatch one of them. Now that there were three of them, I had to be extremely careful and put my guard up to the evil harsh world. We got to the school office and I noticed a quiet feeling but felt that everyone in that office was watching my every move. I felt paranoid. I asked the lady in the front for a tardy slip and the she wrote one up and looked at me smiling. "You've got your hands full," she said. I smiled and sighed a bit of relief. I walked Nathaniel to his classroom. We entered the classroom without knocking. I saw all the children look at me, and only me. I felt all their little eyes on me and it creeped me out. I felt like they were watching my every move. The teacher was going on about her own business. I apologized as we walked in and she said it was alright. Nathaniel seemed like he wanted to be away from me so school was a blessing for him, at that particular moment. He knew something was off about me. He needed me to be in my right mind and I wasn't acting like my normal self. Something was wrong and I couldn't cry out for help. I just didn't have it in me to tell anyone what I was feeling. I was extremely paranoid. PanicAttack I had been on the pill for two days and really felt off. My allergies were bugging me too so I took the pseudoephedrine again, remembering how much it would make me feel better. That night, I couldn't sleep again. I needed someone's support. It was 2 AM and I called my 20-year-old sister who was always up late. Sal happened to be in the area and she asked me if I wanted her to come over. I agreed. We ate Filipino food my aunt had made, as it tasted so good. My sister and I talked about nonsensical things and after we ate, we went into the living room. "Sal, can you massage my feet?" I asked. "If you really want me to, I will," she replied. I asked her why. "Because I love you," she said. After she massaged my feet, she hugged me goodbye. I felt so much better after her visit. The next morning. I woke up at 6 AM after about two hours of sleep. Nathaniel had a fever this time and I called the school sick line and felt so horrible. I sent him to school the previous day sick. The day went on as normal but that evening, I experienced my second major panic attack. I was talking on the phone with my sister Sal and told her that I was feeling stressed and felt something weird coming on. I hung up with her quickly and felt my chest drop. "Ahhhh!" I screamed. "Jeremy! I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Help me!" Nathaniel started to freak out. He was so vulnerable to stressful situations; he knew his father wasn't invincible after he came home with a very bruised head and eye. He had gotten into a fight with a few men at a bar on a work night. I was pregnant at the time and begged him to come home but he wouldn't. My son was insecure about his father and seeing me fall apart rocked his world. Nathaniel started to cry and shout, "Is Mommy going to die?" I bawled irrationally and couldn't help acting like I was indeed going to die. Jeremy yelled at me and said, "If you don't stop this, I'm going to slap you in the face." I know now that he would have never hurt me but was scared and wanted me to quit panicking. I was livid. "Don't you ever talk to me like that again!" I replied. I bawled and screamed. I ran to my bedroom and buried my head into a pillow. Jeremy prompted me to just breathe. "You're having a panic attack. You're not going to die," he said. My knees were shaking and I could feel my whole body sweat. We called the hospital's advice line and they instructed me to do some breathing exercises. The symptoms stopped and they told me to stop taking that God awful pill. My mother-in-law took me to the ER and I felt better then. My cell phone was running out of minutes, I had a pay as you go plan. I accidentally put 100 dollars on the account by accident. After the transaction went through, I realized what I had done and decided I would call customer service to get this matter resolved. It was serious as we didn't have the money in the bank. We already were trying to get on top of our finances, with all the insufficient funds fees. My mother-in-law waited in the ER lobby and I told her I would be right back. I went into the restroom and called the mobile phone company and got through to customer service. As I was put on hold, I heard a techno sort of sound. I realize today that it was probably a mellower sounding tune. But to me, that night, it was very electric, techno sounding and it captured me, mesmerized me in a very weird way. I was in a trance. A while later, someone from customer service came on and said they would help me resolve the situation. They kept putting me on hold until I finally said, "Listen, I'm in the middle of a major panic attack and I need this money reversed so you've got to help me." After all was said and done, I called my grad school friend Fran. Fran told me that exercise was the best thing to remedy anxiety. I thanked her for the advice and then ran around one wing of the hospital. The security guard followed me and looked at me as though I had two heads. "Hi, I am just trying to run to get rid of some anxiety I was feeling," He smiled and I asked him if he went to school and he said he went to a nearby community college. I asked if he was going to take a public speaking class and he said he was. I told him that I taught at the local public university and he acted as though he was somewhat interested. I waved goodbye to him and went back into the ER lobby. My mother-in-law looked at me and said with relief, "I was wondering where you went." After I told her about the cell phone situation, I heard my name called out by one of the nurses. The nurse was gorgeous. She had a pretty face and her long silky hair came down to her bottom. She looked Hawaiian. As she took my blood pressure, she asked me what was going on. I told her I just had a major panic attack and she asked me if it felt like an impending doom. I told her it did and she sent me into the next station where I had to take care of my co-pay, which was fifty dollars. I didn't have this so my mother-in-law helped me pay even though she herself was hurting financially. I went into the doctor's office and told them my story. I didn't let the doctor get a word in edgewise. He was trying to explain to me something about my hormones and I cut him off. He told me I had a colorful personality and that he would give me valium to calm me down. He could see that my speech was pressured and that I wasn't making any sense. I immediately froze. "I'm nursing right now. Will this be OK for the baby?" I asked. After a little research, they told me they weren't sure if it would hurt the baby. What the hell? I told him I was ready to stop nursing and he cut me off this time and told me I was to make a follow up appointment with my doctor and prescribed me exercise for the meantime. I wanted to scream. I needed help fast but nobody seemed to care. My Date with Mom My mother heard about my anxiety and she picked me up and told me to take a shower. "You're coming with me. We're going to lunch," she said. We arrived at the restaurant and were trying to park the car while two guys were in the way. They started to walk out of the way. "Excuse me gentleman," I said in a flirtatious tone. In my right mind, I would have just kept my mouth shut. They just smiled. She took me to at Thai restaurant, one my father and I used to go to. "Mom, some day, I would like for you, my dad and I to have lunch, just us three," I said. They are divorced and civil, but still, my mother had issues with seeing him in person. She agreed but today I find out, that she just agreed to make me happy at the time. She made me laugh in the restaurant. I laughed so hard that people stared. She put her finger to her mouth. "Shhh!" she said. I immediately stopped laughing. I realized I was definitely being loud and too loud for a public restaurant for that matter. We left the restaurant and she took me to my hairdresser but we didn't have an appointment. "Hi Lynn! Can I get a haircut?" She looked at me like I was from outer space and said, "We're busy Leslie!" "OK Lynn, we'll go somewhere else." I said. She waved but still seemed a bit concerned for I was not acting myself, for sure. My mother then took me to her own hairdresser and I got a cute bob and a manicure. As I was getting my nails done, I noticed my mother acted nervous. She kept staring at me and every time I started to open my mouth to talk to the manicurist, she shook her head and pursed her lips as if to tell me to keep my mouth shut. I know now that I was acting strangely and she needed me to stop. We got done with the mini makeover and got in the car. My mother started to tell me a deep dark secret. I cannot disclose what she told me but it was so hurtful that I started crying. Before I knew it, my mother started yelling at me. I could fell the anxiety in my chest and held my breath. I couldn't win with this woman so I had to let her yell at me. "Yes mom!" I would say. It calmed down after a while. We went to the store to buy some antacid for my supposed heartburn. Now I know, I was really having pre-panic attack episodes. We bought some Coronas too, to help me relax. By this time, I needed to go home to nurse the baby.
Spa Fran I called one of my good friends and told her I was having major anxiety and that everyone said I wasn't acting myself. I needed a break from everyone. She told me to go to "Spa Fran." Fran let me take a shower at her place. I left my place in my pajamas and brought a change of clothes. After the shower, I started to relax. I became a little compulsive though because I stared at my face and decided I needed to tweeze my eyebrows. I couldn't handle it any more. I asked Fran for tweezers and she was able to provide those for me. I tweezed my eyebrows, looked at the mirror and smiled. After a tour of Fran's house, we went into the living room as she had burritos and pizza rolls ready for us. "How did you you know these are my favorite?" I asked. She just smiled and handed me a burrito. I ate it quickly but she could tell I didn't want the whole thing. I forced myself to eat it and she said, "Leslie, just toss it! It's OK!" So I agreed and tossed the burrito and we went into the living room. By this time, Jeremy had called Fran to tell her to bring me home since the baby was hungry. Fran said we'd stay for just twenty more minutes. We talked about friends and I started imitating some of them. I thought I was being hysterical but know I was acting a fool. Today, I am so embarrassed at how I acted towards Fran. She amazingly understood. On the drive home, my speech was pressured and I wasn't making any sense. We talked about our graduate theses and I kept saying "thingy" to fill in words I didn't know. I must have said "thingy" a thousand times. I told Fran to stop driving so terribly and she apologized. We arrived at my place and she met Jeremy at the entry way of our apartment complex. She whispered something into his ear and hugged him. Jeremy told me later that she told him to take good care of me. Earlier, before we left for Fran's, she reassured my family that I wasn't a danger to myself. After I got home, we called the doctor and they told us they'd call right back. I was on the phone with one of the psychiatrists and he started telling me, "When a woman has just had a baby, her hormones" and I cut him off. "Listen pal, don't tell me anything. This isn't the way you talk to someone with panic disorder. Have you ever given birth?" I asked coldly. "Yes, with my wife," he answered. I hung up the phone and my husband was so confused. "What did he say?" he asked. I told him not to worry. A woman called back and she said the previous doctor was sorry for his behavior. She told me to make sure I went to see the doctor soon. I don't know why I labeled myself as having panic disorder but that is what I thought at the time. Boy, was I wrong.
On a High I was feeling restless. "Get some sleep. We'll go to the doctor in the morning," my husband said. I had an appointment the next day with the doctor as I was feeling off again. I lay in bed worried. I was scared as I didn't know what was happening to me. I closed my eyes but found myself getting out of bed every five minutes to check on my daughter. I was afraid she would die of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) like my dear friend's daughter did years ago. I slept but I am not sure for how long. I woke up at 4 AM feeling a sudden rush. I felt I slept for a good few hours but later realized I must have slept for one hour. It had been four nights since I got a good night's rest, maybe five. I got up and decided to get my mini radio and decided to put my earphones on and work out in the kitchen. I started to feel spiritual, as if God was sending messages to me through forms of media. I heard songs on the radio that I thought he was making me hear. "I feel the earth under my feet!" I sung along, and boy, did I really feel the earth move under my feet. I felt on top of the world. Then I heard the song "Jump Around" by House of Pain and I lost control. I danced hard and yelled out, "Go Leslie, it's your birthday! Go Leslie! It's your birthday!" Jeremy woke up and asked if I was OK. I told him I was working out . "Is that a crime?" I asked. I wanted to bump my volleyball around and found it flat. I looked for the pump and couldn't find it so I decided to watch TV. "OK God, what are you trying to tell me?" I asked myself. I turned the TV on and my favorite movie of all time was playing. See No Evil, Hear No Evil was playing my favorite part where Gene Wilder sticks an ice cream cone in Richard Pryor's hair. It could have been the other way around. I thought God was truly playing a joke on me. Jeremy decided to call in sick and stay with me as I was acting a fool the whole morning. I was naying like a horse every so often and running around the house saying, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!" I was laughing at absolutely nothing and I am sure I woke up the neighbors with my loud obnoxious laugh. Jeremy was crying, burying his head into his hands. My mother-in-law happened to be there and I walked over to him and asked him if he needed a hug. He gestured for me to go away. "Wiggity wiggity wiggity wiggity whack mama, wiggity wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!" I shouted. I paced back and forth. We called the doctor and they set us up with an appointment for two days later. I calmed down after a while and Jeremy didn't know what to do. A few hours later. Jeremy urged me to get some sleep. I drummed on my son's bedroom dresser. Bump chooka chooka bump chooka chooka. My son drummed along with me but he looked so scared. I went to the bathroom and sang songs as loud as I could. I could be heard from blocks away but they let me sing any way. My mother and aunt and made lumpias and okoy, Filipino food they thought would comfort me. My sister and cousin were there to visit and see me in the state I was in. I ate and still, I acted a fool. My mother mentioned that I was giving a performance and they had free tickets to the show. I was imitating family members and pacing back and forth. I did part of the dishes but didn't finish them. Negative Energy Later on, after everyone left, I calmed down for a bit and I watched Ellen and put the TV on full blast, while my boys were trying to get some sleep. I ate pizza and drank from a whole jug of apple juice, which I never do in my right mind. It was a school night. "I just want to be myself. It feels so good to be myself," I said. I wasn't making any sense. Jeremy begged me to get some sleep so I tried hard and managed to get a little bit but woke up in the middle of the night. I took all the framed pictures off all the wall as I felt they had negative energy. I took certain Christmas cards off the wall and told Jeremy that these photos were giving me messages. One of the cards said, "A King is Born." The father held his baby girl in his lap. I thought the picture was trying to say this girl would grow up to be transgendered or gay because of the word "king." Jeremy started to freak out. He was trying to hide his panic but it showed. I took a shower as he cried in the living room. After the shower, I called my mother-in-law. "Idalee, get your ass over here right now you drama queen. Your son is flipping out. He is going crazy," I said. I told him to close the curtains as he was smoking out on the patio. I had just gotten out of the shower and was wearing a towel. I felt someone was watching, someone outside. After arguing back and forth, I slapped Jeremy and he threatened to call the police. I told him to go right ahead because he was the one who needed to be locked up. This time, Jeremy took me to the ER. "What's wrong Leslie? Where's my Leslie? Where did she go?" he asked. "This is me." I said. I started to cry as I felt it hurt a little. Minutes later, I started to put on a façade, pretending everything was OK. I fooled the nurses, at least I thought I did. We decided to bring the baby and I could sense Jeremy's fear. I wanted to act as calm as I could, hoping they would think he was the crazy one. After they took my blood pressure, we told the ER nurse that I had an appointment the next day. She told us to make sure I made that appointment. We left the ER and returned home. Jeremy begged me to sleep again but I just couldn't.
51-50 The next morning, we knew I had an appointment at 2 o' clock but Jeremy decided he would take me in at 10AM. "Why are we going so early?" I asked. "We're going to see if they can take you early, that's all" he said. I couldn't find my purse which had my ID in it. "Don't worry. You're my wife. They'll help us," he said. My two sons were hugging each other right before I left. I kissed them and the baby goodbye. For some reason, I knew I wasn't coming home that day. On the drive home, I thought I had special abilities so see the past. I thought I could see into Jeremy's past. I felt so sorry for him because I thought I could feel his pain. We parked the car and tried to check in early. They gave us some paperwork to fill out so we went back to the car to do so. I felt his childhood pain again. I thought I had a special ability to feel this pain. He had three important people in his life die when he was at a young age and I thought I could feel the pain from all of that. After he was done filling out the paperwork, Jeremy took me to the sidewalk so he could smoke a cigarette. I felt so cold. I could feel everything was so cold. I felt like I was going to be on a TV show, waiting for cameras to appear. I didn't see any cameras. I heard dogs barking in a van and they were so loud. "Jeremy, they're trying to tell me something," I said. "Honey, they're just fine. They're barking," he said. "No, look, they're really trying to tell me something!" I yelled. He ignored me. I saw this elderly woman all by herself, waiting for someone to pick her up. "Do you need help?" I asked. "No, I'm fine. I'm waiting for my granddaughter to pick me up. Immediately after she did this, like magic, the granddaughter appeared. She smiled at me nervously. I smiled back and I could feel Jeremy tense up at that moment. He was so embarrassed. We went into the lobby of the psychiatry department. After he handed the lady at the front desk the paperwork, Jeremy begged the lady to squeeze us in as this appointment was urgent. He tells me today that he had no clue what was going on with me and thought he had lost me forever to some sort of craziness. We waited in the lobby for a few minutes and they called my name and put us in some sort of meeting room. We waited in that room for the psychiatrist to show up. Jeremy left me to go to the restroom. I got up on top of a table and started to write on the white board. I crossed out words on the board I thought didn't make any sense and replaced them with words I thought made sense. Jeremy came in. "Leslie, why are you on the table? Please get down from there. You might get hurt," he said. I came down, and by this time, a security guard had entered the room and started to observe me. I passed gas several times and loudly. "I'm sorry, is it OK if I fart?" I asked. The security guard said it was OK with him and Jeremy laughed nervously. I felt a little guilty for passing gas so I went to the restroom. I thought I was on a reality show, Candid Camera perhaps. I went through the lobby. "I have to go to the restroom so I can fart." The two elderly ladies in the lobby laughed. I thought I was hilarious. Where are the cameras, I thought to myself. After I came out of the restroom, Jeremy and the security guard followed back into the meeting room. By this time, I wanted to play a game. I thought I could feel people's presence and feel their energy, dead or alive. I asked the security guard what his full name was and he told me. I wrote it down on the white board and associated his name somehow with his grandmother and I told him she was sending him positive energy. Then I did this with Jeremy and you could tell he was so frustrated and scared for me at the same time. He told me later that he thought he had lost me for good. A therapist came in to talk with me and I felt her "negative energy." She looked at me and I told her my husband wasn't listening to me. She had short hair and a pretty face, and for some reason, I looked at her hair and could feel her looking at me in a way that was judgmental. I told her brashly to go away because of her negative energy. The psychiatrist came in a few minutes later and told me I was going to the hospital. "I don't want to," I said. "Sorry, but you have to," she replied. " I like your necklace," I said out of the blue. They psychiatrist had on some sort of piece made of strictly buttons; blue ones, grey ones, purple ones, and other colors. "Thank you. I am glad I wore it, for you." Jeremy told me that it was going to be OK. After the therapist and psychiatrist left the room, the security guard and Jeremy convinced me to think of it as a vacation. When they said this, I was comforted. Boy, did I need a vacation! I had no idea that I was a 51-50. I passed gas again openly and put my head on Jeremy's shoulder. As we waited for the paramedics to come take me to the psychiatric hospital, we told the security guard how we met and got married. We were young and in love. Nathaniel, our first born, was the one who saved us. We were going through some rough times and after we had the baby, we waited until he was ten months old and got married at the county clerk's office. An hour went by and the paramedics came into the meeting room. The paramedic guy was Latino and very handsome. "Are we ready?" he asked. I willingly sat on the gurney after I hugged Jeremy goodbye. They rolled me away and yelled out to Jeremy, "Remember, Concentrate," I said. I put up one finger and said, "Nathaniel." I put up a second finger and said, "Nicholas." Nicholas is our second child. Finally, I put up a third finger and said our baby's name, "Jessica." He nodded and cried as they rolled me away. My heart was sad but only for a minute. As they rolled me away, I waited for them to take me on my much needed vacation. I thought this was all some sort of joke and I was going to end up in Disneyland with my family. Little did I know. This was my very first manic episode.
Spa Fran I called one of my good friends and told her I was having major anxiety and that everyone said I wasn't acting myself. I needed a break from everyone. She told me to go to "Spa Fran." Fran let me take a shower at her place. I left my place in my pajamas and brought a change of clothes. After the shower, I started to relax. I became a little compulsive though because I stared at my face and decided I needed to tweeze my eyebrows. I couldn't handle it any more. I asked Fran for tweezers and she was able to provide those for me. I tweezed my eyebrows, looked at the mirror and smiled. After a tour of Fran's house, we went into the living room as she had burritos and pizza rolls ready for us. "How did you you know these are my favorite?" I asked. She just smiled and handed me a burrito. I ate it quickly but she could tell I didn't want the whole thing. I forced myself to eat it and she said, "Leslie, just toss it! It's OK!" So I agreed and tossed the burrito and we went into the living room. By this time, Jeremy had called Fran to tell her to bring me home since the baby was hungry. Fran said we'd stay for just twenty more minutes. We talked about friends and I started imitating some of them. I thought I was being hysterical but know I was acting a fool. Today, I am so embarrassed at how I acted towards Fran. She amazingly understood. On the drive home, my speech was pressured and I wasn't making any sense. We talked about our graduate theses and I kept saying "thingy" to fill in words I didn't know. I must have said "thingy" a thousand times. I told Fran to stop driving so terribly and she apologized. We arrived at my place and she met Jeremy at the entry way of our apartment complex. She whispered something into his ear and hugged him. Jeremy told me later that she told him to take good care of me. Earlier, before we left for Fran's, she reassured my family that I wasn't a danger to myself. After I got home, we called the doctor and they told us they'd call right back. I was on the phone with one of the psychiatrists and he started telling me, "When a woman has just had a baby, her hormones" and I cut him off. "Listen pal, don't tell me anything. This isn't the way you talk to someone with panic disorder. Have you ever given birth?" I asked coldly. "Yes, with my wife," he answered. I hung up the phone and my husband was so confused. "What did he say?" he asked. I told him not to worry. A woman called back and she said the previous doctor was sorry for his behavior. She told me to make sure I went to see the doctor soon. I don't know why I labeled myself as having panic disorder but that is what I thought at the time. Boy, was I wrong.
On a High I was feeling restless. "Get some sleep. We'll go to the doctor in the morning," my husband said. I had an appointment the next day with the doctor as I was feeling off again. I lay in bed worried. I was scared as I didn't know what was happening to me. I closed my eyes but found myself getting out of bed every five minutes to check on my daughter. I was afraid she would die of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) like my dear friend's daughter did years ago. I slept but I am not sure for how long. I woke up at 4 AM feeling a sudden rush. I felt I slept for a good few hours but later realized I must have slept for one hour. It had been four nights since I got a good night's rest, maybe five. I got up and decided to get my mini radio and decided to put my earphones on and work out in the kitchen. I started to feel spiritual, as if God was sending messages to me through forms of media. I heard songs on the radio that I thought he was making me hear. "I feel the earth under my feet!" I sung along, and boy, did I really feel the earth move under my feet. I felt on top of the world. Then I heard the song "Jump Around" by House of Pain and I lost control. I danced hard and yelled out, "Go Leslie, it's your birthday! Go Leslie! It's your birthday!" Jeremy woke up and asked if I was OK. I told him I was working out . "Is that a crime?" I asked. I wanted to bump my volleyball around and found it flat. I looked for the pump and couldn't find it so I decided to watch TV. "OK God, what are you trying to tell me?" I asked myself. I turned the TV on and my favorite movie of all time was playing. See No Evil, Hear No Evil was playing my favorite part where Gene Wilder sticks an ice cream cone in Richard Pryor's hair. It could have been the other way around. I thought God was truly playing a joke on me. Jeremy decided to call in sick and stay with me as I was acting a fool the whole morning. I was naying like a horse every so often and running around the house saying, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!" I was laughing at absolutely nothing and I am sure I woke up the neighbors with my loud obnoxious laugh. Jeremy was crying, burying his head into his hands. My mother-in-law happened to be there and I walked over to him and asked him if he needed a hug. He gestured for me to go away. "Wiggity wiggity wiggity wiggity whack mama, wiggity wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!" I shouted. I paced back and forth. We called the doctor and they set us up with an appointment for two days later. I calmed down after a while and Jeremy didn't know what to do. A few hours later. Jeremy urged me to get some sleep. I drummed on my son's bedroom dresser. Bump chooka chooka bump chooka chooka. My son drummed along with me but he looked so scared. I went to the bathroom and sang songs as loud as I could. I could be heard from blocks away but they let me sing any way. My mother and aunt and made lumpias and okoy, Filipino food they thought would comfort me. My sister and cousin were there to visit and see me in the state I was in. I ate and still, I acted a fool. My mother mentioned that I was giving a performance and they had free tickets to the show. I was imitating family members and pacing back and forth. I did part of the dishes but didn't finish them. Negative Energy Later on, after everyone left, I calmed down for a bit and I watched Ellen and put the TV on full blast, while my boys were trying to get some sleep. I ate pizza and drank from a whole jug of apple juice, which I never do in my right mind. It was a school night. "I just want to be myself. It feels so good to be myself," I said. I wasn't making any sense. Jeremy begged me to get some sleep so I tried hard and managed to get a little bit but woke up in the middle of the night. I took all the framed pictures off all the wall as I felt they had negative energy. I took certain Christmas cards off the wall and told Jeremy that these photos were giving me messages. One of the cards said, "A King is Born." The father held his baby girl in his lap. I thought the picture was trying to say this girl would grow up to be transgendered or gay because of the word "king." Jeremy started to freak out. He was trying to hide his panic but it showed. I took a shower as he cried in the living room. After the shower, I called my mother-in-law. "Idalee, get your ass over here right now you drama queen. Your son is flipping out. He is going crazy," I said. I told him to close the curtains as he was smoking out on the patio. I had just gotten out of the shower and was wearing a towel. I felt someone was watching, someone outside. After arguing back and forth, I slapped Jeremy and he threatened to call the police. I told him to go right ahead because he was the one who needed to be locked up. This time, Jeremy took me to the ER. "What's wrong Leslie? Where's my Leslie? Where did she go?" he asked. "This is me." I said. I started to cry as I felt it hurt a little. Minutes later, I started to put on a façade, pretending everything was OK. I fooled the nurses, at least I thought I did. We decided to bring the baby and I could sense Jeremy's fear. I wanted to act as calm as I could, hoping they would think he was the crazy one. After they took my blood pressure, we told the ER nurse that I had an appointment the next day. She told us to make sure I made that appointment. We left the ER and returned home. Jeremy begged me to sleep again but I just couldn't.
51-50 The next morning, we knew I had an appointment at 2 o' clock but Jeremy decided he would take me in at 10AM. "Why are we going so early?" I asked. "We're going to see if they can take you early, that's all" he said. I couldn't find my purse which had my ID in it. "Don't worry. You're my wife. They'll help us," he said. My two sons were hugging each other right before I left. I kissed them and the baby goodbye. For some reason, I knew I wasn't coming home that day. On the drive home, I thought I had special abilities so see the past. I thought I could see into Jeremy's past. I felt so sorry for him because I thought I could feel his pain. We parked the car and tried to check in early. They gave us some paperwork to fill out so we went back to the car to do so. I felt his childhood pain again. I thought I had a special ability to feel this pain. He had three important people in his life die when he was at a young age and I thought I could feel the pain from all of that. After he was done filling out the paperwork, Jeremy took me to the sidewalk so he could smoke a cigarette. I felt so cold. I could feel everything was so cold. I felt like I was going to be on a TV show, waiting for cameras to appear. I didn't see any cameras. I heard dogs barking in a van and they were so loud. "Jeremy, they're trying to tell me something," I said. "Honey, they're just fine. They're barking," he said. "No, look, they're really trying to tell me something!" I yelled. He ignored me. I saw this elderly woman all by herself, waiting for someone to pick her up. "Do you need help?" I asked. "No, I'm fine. I'm waiting for my granddaughter to pick me up. Immediately after she did this, like magic, the granddaughter appeared. She smiled at me nervously. I smiled back and I could feel Jeremy tense up at that moment. He was so embarrassed. We went into the lobby of the psychiatry department. After he handed the lady at the front desk the paperwork, Jeremy begged the lady to squeeze us in as this appointment was urgent. He tells me today that he had no clue what was going on with me and thought he had lost me forever to some sort of craziness. We waited in the lobby for a few minutes and they called my name and put us in some sort of meeting room. We waited in that room for the psychiatrist to show up. Jeremy left me to go to the restroom. I got up on top of a table and started to write on the white board. I crossed out words on the board I thought didn't make any sense and replaced them with words I thought made sense. Jeremy came in. "Leslie, why are you on the table? Please get down from there. You might get hurt," he said. I came down, and by this time, a security guard had entered the room and started to observe me. I passed gas several times and loudly. "I'm sorry, is it OK if I fart?" I asked. The security guard said it was OK with him and Jeremy laughed nervously. I felt a little guilty for passing gas so I went to the restroom. I thought I was on a reality show, Candid Camera perhaps. I went through the lobby. "I have to go to the restroom so I can fart." The two elderly ladies in the lobby laughed. I thought I was hilarious. Where are the cameras, I thought to myself. After I came out of the restroom, Jeremy and the security guard followed back into the meeting room. By this time, I wanted to play a game. I thought I could feel people's presence and feel their energy, dead or alive. I asked the security guard what his full name was and he told me. I wrote it down on the white board and associated his name somehow with his grandmother and I told him she was sending him positive energy. Then I did this with Jeremy and you could tell he was so frustrated and scared for me at the same time. He told me later that he thought he had lost me for good. A therapist came in to talk with me and I felt her "negative energy." She looked at me and I told her my husband wasn't listening to me. She had short hair and a pretty face, and for some reason, I looked at her hair and could feel her looking at me in a way that was judgmental. I told her brashly to go away because of her negative energy. The psychiatrist came in a few minutes later and told me I was going to the hospital. "I don't want to," I said. "Sorry, but you have to," she replied. " I like your necklace," I said out of the blue. They psychiatrist had on some sort of piece made of strictly buttons; blue ones, grey ones, purple ones, and other colors. "Thank you. I am glad I wore it, for you." Jeremy told me that it was going to be OK. After the therapist and psychiatrist left the room, the security guard and Jeremy convinced me to think of it as a vacation. When they said this, I was comforted. Boy, did I need a vacation! I had no idea that I was a 51-50. I passed gas again openly and put my head on Jeremy's shoulder. As we waited for the paramedics to come take me to the psychiatric hospital, we told the security guard how we met and got married. We were young and in love. Nathaniel, our first born, was the one who saved us. We were going through some rough times and after we had the baby, we waited until he was ten months old and got married at the county clerk's office. An hour went by and the paramedics came into the meeting room. The paramedic guy was Latino and very handsome. "Are we ready?" he asked. I willingly sat on the gurney after I hugged Jeremy goodbye. They rolled me away and yelled out to Jeremy, "Remember, Concentrate," I said. I put up one finger and said, "Nathaniel." I put up a second finger and said, "Nicholas." Nicholas is our second child. Finally, I put up a third finger and said our baby's name, "Jessica." He nodded and cried as they rolled me away. My heart was sad but only for a minute. As they rolled me away, I waited for them to take me on my much needed vacation. I thought this was all some sort of joke and I was going to end up in Disneyland with my family. Little did I know. This was my very first manic episode.
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