Progress
I went to the doctor today because I can't even move my arms or legs without bawling my freaking eyes out. The whole 45 minutes drive to the doctor really bothered me. It never has before, but today I sat there the whole time in silence just thinking. Thinking that there has to be something that can be done. No more experimenting by our selves. Why aren't the doctors doing anything to give me more answers. I'm baffled that I have seen over 5 doctors specifically for my HS and none of them even blink an eye when they look at it. So that makes me think that they have seen this a lot and know what to do! Nope, they tell me every time that they only have seen it once or never. That's helpful.
I realize today, progress is being made. Not with the doctors, cause they are a bunch of idiots, but with me. They first few times I would hate having to show people, but I don't even flinch anymore. I get into the gown, lay down, lift my arms, and open my legs with no fear. It might sound stupid but this is soo huge for me. I couldn't even change in front of my mom and sister anymore when the lumps started to appear. The last time I went to the doctor, the main dermatologist I always see, had a fellow training there. She asked me if she would be able to come in and watch. I didn't even think anything of it. Today when I went in, my doctor told me she was actually proud of me. For sticking through this, and she said she remembers the first time I wouldn't even lift my arm, she had to push it. And now I just do it like its an everyday thing and to have someone else come and look on to the puss and blood, the purple scars and open holes.
I remember when my friend came with me. I didn't want to drive alone was the sole reason I had him come. He asked me a shit ton of questions and I finally had to tell him about it all. I showed him too. He was actually mad at me. That after being best friends for 5 years I did tell him. He told me that he has seen some of them before but didn't even really think anything of it. I let him come in the room and sit there while I got my shots. He came up an held my hand. I thought he would make comments or judge me. But it ended up being me judging him.
The day one of my really good friends found out, was junior prom. We were all changing in my room and I needed help putting my dress on so I had to change in front of everyone. The first thing she did when she saw them was turn me around and said, "start talking". I told her everything, and she was mad too that I didn't tell her. Her mom had breast cancer that turned into three other types of cancer and she had tumors on her brain. A month ago her mom died. At the time of prom, her mom was alive and going strong. She grabbed her mom from the living room, and we sat in my room and talked. Cancer and HS are totally different things, but we both had really similar feelings. We both had to deal with pain on the inside, and looking different on the outside. She had battled cancer for 4 years. We talked for a little while, and she made me feel confident to rock my scars like she does.
Little did I know, that while I feel no one understands, a lot of people do. It may be different situations, and I may not see people who are trying to understand at all times, but I have people in my corner. Now I have so many people who are living through HS too on this support group and that makes me feel at ease.
I realize today, progress is being made. Not with the doctors, cause they are a bunch of idiots, but with me. They first few times I would hate having to show people, but I don't even flinch anymore. I get into the gown, lay down, lift my arms, and open my legs with no fear. It might sound stupid but this is soo huge for me. I couldn't even change in front of my mom and sister anymore when the lumps started to appear. The last time I went to the doctor, the main dermatologist I always see, had a fellow training there. She asked me if she would be able to come in and watch. I didn't even think anything of it. Today when I went in, my doctor told me she was actually proud of me. For sticking through this, and she said she remembers the first time I wouldn't even lift my arm, she had to push it. And now I just do it like its an everyday thing and to have someone else come and look on to the puss and blood, the purple scars and open holes.
I remember when my friend came with me. I didn't want to drive alone was the sole reason I had him come. He asked me a shit ton of questions and I finally had to tell him about it all. I showed him too. He was actually mad at me. That after being best friends for 5 years I did tell him. He told me that he has seen some of them before but didn't even really think anything of it. I let him come in the room and sit there while I got my shots. He came up an held my hand. I thought he would make comments or judge me. But it ended up being me judging him.
The day one of my really good friends found out, was junior prom. We were all changing in my room and I needed help putting my dress on so I had to change in front of everyone. The first thing she did when she saw them was turn me around and said, "start talking". I told her everything, and she was mad too that I didn't tell her. Her mom had breast cancer that turned into three other types of cancer and she had tumors on her brain. A month ago her mom died. At the time of prom, her mom was alive and going strong. She grabbed her mom from the living room, and we sat in my room and talked. Cancer and HS are totally different things, but we both had really similar feelings. We both had to deal with pain on the inside, and looking different on the outside. She had battled cancer for 4 years. We talked for a little while, and she made me feel confident to rock my scars like she does.
Little did I know, that while I feel no one understands, a lot of people do. It may be different situations, and I may not see people who are trying to understand at all times, but I have people in my corner. Now I have so many people who are living through HS too on this support group and that makes me feel at ease.
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