Things
Just thought I would write in my journal today. I hate this feeling of loneliness. I am not depressed, just very lonely. So hard to describe this feeling I feel and fight every single day of my life, especially the last few years. My life has improved tremendously over the last year, but I still get bouts of anxiety over loneliness. So much is going through my head about people generally and I have so much to say but where to start. Who can you trust? I wish I had someone to trust, and not feel rejection..... but that is all I ever feel. It is not an exaggerated feeling. It is the truth.
I guess I will start by sharing something that happened last week. I have a friend, or at least, someone I thought was a friend who I have known for the last 12 years. I met her at preschool and my son is very good friends with her son. She is a single mom and I thought we had a great relationship. A year ago I really cleaned up my life with people who were in my life who just used me and were takers. Didn't leave me with many friends left at the end of the day. It left me very sad last summer after realizing how many people had actually used me in my life, including the father of my kids, a man I shared 13 years of my life with. I also don't have any family here, except my 86 year old mother and it makes me sad knowing she will be gone one day. I suffered the loss of my dad, only aunt and uncle I had close to me over the past few years. The realization of friends who I thought were friends was all very hard to take.
Now getting back to what happened last week. Anyways, this so-called friend (Lory) who, since my divorce 6 years ago, spent every Christmas dinner and Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I had given her many hand-me down clothes for her son. Driven everywhere when we did something with the kids. Basically, I guess I was desperate for friendship, although it was always me who would call and reach out. When I really needed a friend and reached out last summer, I got no response. I put that friendship in perspective last summer and stepped back from it. I can't say it didn't hurt, cause it very much did. Anyways, my son is still friends with her son and I do not want to jeapardize that friendshp for him but something happened last week that has really bothered me. My son had spent the night at her place a couple of wknds ago. He is now 14 so he makes his own plans. Anyways, this past week, my son was at her place. My son usually has his phone on him but he did not while he was there so I had to call her house. She picked up the phone and told me the boys went to another friends house. I went to that house, but the boys were not there so I waited out front. Lory pulled up also, got out of her car and we proceeded a very surface conversation. She mentioned that she took the boys to a movie that Saturday that my son was at her house. I asked her if Spencer (my son) had money for the movies. She said yes, but then told me she had to lend him $15 for snacks. In the past, I would always just hand her the money. This time I said, I guess Spencer owes you $15. Anyways, the boys came and off I went with Spencer. I mentioned to Spencer that Lory told me that she had lent him $15 for snacks. He then told me he had $15. $11 for the movie with $4 left over. He went to the snack bar with his friend and his friend lent him $3 for popcorn so, if anything, he owed his friend $3. I was so mad. I wanted to call her. She is such a taker and because in the past, I would just hand her that money, I guess she thought I would do the same this time. A wolf in sheep's clothing is how I describe her. I can't believe someone would be like that. I really want to confront her on this but my son doesn't want me to and said he would figure it out with his friend. It just pisses me off that this person I have given so much to can be this way and I can't believe I have had so much of this type in my life. I have a counsellor and her eyes almost popped out of her head when I told her this story. I feel like sending Lory a message but I don't know how to approach it. It is hard sometimes to not let this kind of thing with friendships get to me. It can get me so down.
Can anyone relate?
I guess I will start by sharing something that happened last week. I have a friend, or at least, someone I thought was a friend who I have known for the last 12 years. I met her at preschool and my son is very good friends with her son. She is a single mom and I thought we had a great relationship. A year ago I really cleaned up my life with people who were in my life who just used me and were takers. Didn't leave me with many friends left at the end of the day. It left me very sad last summer after realizing how many people had actually used me in my life, including the father of my kids, a man I shared 13 years of my life with. I also don't have any family here, except my 86 year old mother and it makes me sad knowing she will be gone one day. I suffered the loss of my dad, only aunt and uncle I had close to me over the past few years. The realization of friends who I thought were friends was all very hard to take.
Now getting back to what happened last week. Anyways, this so-called friend (Lory) who, since my divorce 6 years ago, spent every Christmas dinner and Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I had given her many hand-me down clothes for her son. Driven everywhere when we did something with the kids. Basically, I guess I was desperate for friendship, although it was always me who would call and reach out. When I really needed a friend and reached out last summer, I got no response. I put that friendship in perspective last summer and stepped back from it. I can't say it didn't hurt, cause it very much did. Anyways, my son is still friends with her son and I do not want to jeapardize that friendshp for him but something happened last week that has really bothered me. My son had spent the night at her place a couple of wknds ago. He is now 14 so he makes his own plans. Anyways, this past week, my son was at her place. My son usually has his phone on him but he did not while he was there so I had to call her house. She picked up the phone and told me the boys went to another friends house. I went to that house, but the boys were not there so I waited out front. Lory pulled up also, got out of her car and we proceeded a very surface conversation. She mentioned that she took the boys to a movie that Saturday that my son was at her house. I asked her if Spencer (my son) had money for the movies. She said yes, but then told me she had to lend him $15 for snacks. In the past, I would always just hand her the money. This time I said, I guess Spencer owes you $15. Anyways, the boys came and off I went with Spencer. I mentioned to Spencer that Lory told me that she had lent him $15 for snacks. He then told me he had $15. $11 for the movie with $4 left over. He went to the snack bar with his friend and his friend lent him $3 for popcorn so, if anything, he owed his friend $3. I was so mad. I wanted to call her. She is such a taker and because in the past, I would just hand her that money, I guess she thought I would do the same this time. A wolf in sheep's clothing is how I describe her. I can't believe someone would be like that. I really want to confront her on this but my son doesn't want me to and said he would figure it out with his friend. It just pisses me off that this person I have given so much to can be this way and I can't believe I have had so much of this type in my life. I have a counsellor and her eyes almost popped out of her head when I told her this story. I feel like sending Lory a message but I don't know how to approach it. It is hard sometimes to not let this kind of thing with friendships get to me. It can get me so down.
Can anyone relate?
Replies
YES AND YOU BETTER LET YOUR SON DEAL WITH IT, IT LOOKS MATURE ENOUGH, AND NEXT TIME I AM SPEAKING AS AN ELDER AND MUM, MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR BOY IS, SPEAK TO HIM, AND EXPLAIN THAT IT IS JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU BOTH KNOW WHERE EACH OTHER IS, IN LIFE WE NEVER KNOW, AND TO MAKE SURE HE HAS IS CELL PHONE, BE FRIEND WITH YOUR BOY**
LOOK THIS IS THE SAME STORY ,IT HAPPENS TO US ALL, I HAVE A SISTER, NOT SEEN FOR OVER 18 YEARS, SHE BEHAVED JUST THE SAME , WORSE ACTUALLY, SOME OF US NEED TO FEEL LOVED AND WE LET OTHERS, ABUSE US, GET STRONGER, AND SURVIVE, FRIENDS ARE RARE, AND SOME TURN AS SNAKES, LET GO, YOU SHARED, NOW TURN YOUR BACK ON IT, THE \'BIBLE\'\' SAYS \'THE HEART OF MAN IS DECEPTIFUL ABOVE ALL THINGS, WHO CAN KNOW IT BUT \'\'GOD\'\', I HAVE LEARNED BUT NOT SOON ENOUGH, DON\'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE, CHOOSE WHO IS NOT USING YOU AND LET GO OF THE ABUSERS..LOVE LUCY**
Thanks Lucy. I was just reading your reply and my journal entry. Almost 2 yrs have passed and life has been OK but things like this still keep happening. I really don\'t have any friends left. Only 2 close friends out of so many I thought were. It still makes me sad as before and teary eyed. Those 2 friends I constantly reach out to. I would be in total isolation if I didn\'t and that scares me more than anything cause I like to be social. Scared cause I am still young. I am frightened on what will happen when I get older. Will I start talking to the walls. So scared.
I hope you can make new friends. It is so hard to do. I get lonely, but I work so many hours, it is hard to make friends. I wish you the best my friend. Finding good friends is hard to do.